#1
Here's just a quick song I put together; tell me if its doable


"Another Someone"

(The first few verses should be fingerpicked)

G F C
I’ve been here before
G F C
In my father’s form
F F Am F G Am
Not good enough, I’ve been warned

G F C
Burdened with a rainfall of thoughts
G F C
Said my words sound store bought
F G Am
but when your on your last shot
F G Am
you talk a little faster

C
I seem to miss someone
G
someone hard to miss
C
and I try to drown her out
G
as she throws her fits
C
There’s something wrong with everyone
G
Wait in line for a fix
C
But I stepped out as soon as I learned
Am
I ain’t so sick

Chorus:
G F
Don’t tell me to find myself when I do for change
G F
Don’t tell me to move on when I still mention your name
G F
Everyone’s in a view so plain
C Am
but when I smile I’m so far away

*edit: the chords aren't over the actual words; dunno why but oh well
wow.
#6
Quote by thatoneday

Okay, I'm just gonna remove the chords and crit the lyrics. You really dont need to put chords in, this forums mostly for lyrics and poems, but whatever.


I’ve been here before
In my father’s form
Not good enough, I’ve been warned
I think that "ive been here before" is a bit of a dull opening, I would try to open with something either shocking or powerful, but "In my father's form" is nice. Perhaps add some more syllables to the last line because it feels too short, like whan you sing it you'd leave awkward pauses

Burdened with a rainfall of thoughts
Said my words sound store bought
but when your on your last shot
you talk a little faster
The second line definitely needs work, while your image is good, you need to revise the flow. This feels like one of those peices that really need a powerful rhythm. I like the last two lines. Heroin reference?

I seem to miss someone
someone hard to miss
and I try to drown her out
as she throws her fits
There’s something wrong with everyone
Wait in line for a fix
But I stepped out as soon as I learned
I ain’t so sick
I thought "throws her fits" sounded childish. And "wait in line for a fix" is way too long for the metre you have going here, it feels like you'd sing it faster to fit all the syllables in. The flow here is one of the only things wrong with this, but thats easy to work on without chnaging the poem overmuch.

Don’t tell me to find myself when I do for change
Don’t tell me to move on when I still mention your name
Everyone’s in a view so plain
but when I smile I’m so far away


I didnt get this ending, it felt like your descending into mediocrity a little here, making lines that arent paticularly meaningful, and as a last stanza they need to be meaningful. Also once again you have flow issues, despite the fact that you posted the chords with this, Im still getting the impression that you wrote this before the music, and just layed the words over some chord structure. If you did, try, in future, to write the chords first, that way the lyrics will fit so much better.
I think the only other problem I have with this is that it sems a little dull. You really need some imagery there, just to jazz it up, make it more visible. At the moment it seems dreary, listless, and its lack of poignancy is definitely down to its lack of imagery. My only advice in this area is to smoke somthing

Peace
Dave
#7
Definitely need to work on the ending a little bit. Wrapping up a song can be a pain in the ass sometimes! As Cacophonaut said, the second line to the second verse is kinda weird. Personally, I think you wrote a Jack Johnson line in the middle of a Three Days Grace song (yeah I'm comparing you to professionals lol). Just watch what you say, and make sure your writing style doesn't jump ridiculously.

Oh, and don't forget to check out and help me out with "Winter Wonderland" in its own thread. Do it now!
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That's me, bitch!
Last edited by TheSnow at Nov 25, 2007,