#1
At Mind’s End - C4C -

At Mind’s End

Intro
No cloudy sky bound paradise
Where the good get their kicks
No burning hate fuelled fortress
Where the evil stake their sins
There is only one place in mind
And it comes towards the end

Verse I
Take your last breath, the final destination
Where you can rest; just be patient
For you are now stuck here to stay
No passing by, preserved from decay

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
Now that you’re here, I hope you find
You’re on your way to losing your mind

Verse II

Here you are, but where is here?
Is this a joke, or the world through a mirror?
I’ll tell you; this is like no place you’ve ever been
Admit neither chivalrous deeds nor blasphemous sins

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
Now that you’re here, I hope you find
You’re on your way to losing your mind

Verse III

What have you done, to deserve such a fate?
You ****ed me around, and now it’s too late
For you are here to stay, here is your home
Beautiful purgatory, now enjoy it alone

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
Now that you’re here, I hope you find
You’re on your way to losing your mind


Outro

And now, as I look sky bound
For that paradise in the clouds
For the flaming fortress underground
You’re stranded on the dividing line
Lost your mind and stuck in time
Last edited by XxGibsonSGxX at Nov 27, 2007,
#2
Oh...my...GOD! Best piece of writing I have read in a long time. I can put it to music, and I LIKE it. Great job, man, really great job.
#6
Bloody brilliant, Very nice. Chorus is well done, the whole idea/image i get from it is really cool too. Nice piece of writing, hopefully i can accomplish something like that someday.
#7
Quote by XxGibsonSGxX
At Mind’s End - C4C

Intro
No cloudy sky bound paradise
Where the good get their kicks
No burning hate fuelled fortress
Where the evil stake their sins
There is only one place in mind
And it comes towards the end

Great intro, like the whole stanza

Verse I
Take your last breath, the final destination
Where you can rest; just be patient
For you are now stuck here to stay
No passing by, preserved from decay

good verse, I would just rework 3rd line, the others are all in 2 parts, the 3rd kinda breaks the flow.

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
What do I want from you?
The relinquished ability to choose

good chorus, again maybe rework 3rd line, though it still works.

Verse II

Here you are, but where is here?
Is this a joke, or the world through a mirror?
I’ll tell you; this is like no place you’ve ever been
Admit neither chivalrous deeds nor blasphemous sins

I really like this verse, my favorite of them all, so dont change anything =P

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
What do I want from you?
The relinquished ability to choose

Verse III

What have you done, to deserve such a fate?
You ****ed me around, and now it’s too late
For you are here to stay, here is your home
Beautiful purgatory, now enjoy it alone

again good verse, I wouldnt change it.

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
What do I want from you?
The relinquished ability to choose

Outro

And now, as I look sky bound
For that paradise in the clouds
And for the flaming fortress underground
I recall you having the best of both worlds
You are now at mind’s end

Nice outro, the only thing I might do is work on the very last line.


Although i dont believe in a heaven or hell, I still think this is a great piece, very nice job man.
#8
i loved it!! i loved the topic. the way you put it. verse 2. genius. really good. oh and really like the outro. great peice.
#9
Quote by XxGibsonSGxX
At Mind’s End - C4C

Intro
No cloudy sky bound paradise
Where the good get their kicks
No burning hate fuelled fortress
Where the evil stake their sins
There is only one place in mind
And it comes towards the end

I think this flows really well which is important for any intro/opening verse

Verse I
Take your last breath, the final destination
Where you can rest; just be patient
For you are now stuck here to stay
No passing by, preserved from decay

This verse poses lots of questions in my head which is good. However be careful not to leave too much detail to the imagination or it could have an adverse effect on the listener/reader.

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
What do I want from you?
The relinquished ability to choose

I'd really like to hear this chorus to music. Lyrically it's sound but like the chorus in my song that you commented on there is no hook through repitition and therefore it would have to be more or a melodic one.

Verse II

Here you are, but where is here?
Is this a joke, or the world through a mirror?
I’ll tell you; this is like no place you’ve ever been
Admit neither chivalrous deeds nor blasphemous sins

Good verse. I really like the line "Is this a joke, or the world through a mirror?"

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
What do I want from you?
The relinquished ability to choose

Verse III

What have you done, to deserve such a fate?
You ****ed me around, and now it’s too late
For you are here to stay, here is your home
Beautiful purgatory, now enjoy it alone

Again flows nicely. For the simplicity i like this verse the best.

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
What do I want from you?
The relinquished ability to choose

Outro

And now, as I look sky bound
For that paradise in the clouds
And for the flaming fortress underground
I recall you having the best of both worlds
You are now at mind’s end

Nicely linked back to the inro which rounds of the song nicely


Overall I really like this. Not much to say that i haven't said in the invidual comments above. Keep up the good work! Can i hear a recorded version of this anywhere?
#12
Quote by XxGibsonSGxX
At Mind’s End - C4C

Intro
No cloudy sky bound paradise
Where the good get their kicks
No burning hate fuelled fortress
Where the evil stake their sins
There is only one place in mind
And it comes towards the end

I guess i must hear it with music,The Words are Good but im not gettin the flow of it


Verse I
Take your last breath, the final destination
Where you can rest; just be patient
For you are now stuck here to stay
No passing by, preserved from decay

I liked the rhyming in the last 2 lines


Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
What do I want from you?
The relinquished ability to choose

Verse II

Here you are, but where is here?
Is this a joke, or the world through a mirror?
I’ll tell you; this is like no place you’ve ever been
Admit neither chivalrous deeds nor blasphemous sins


Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
What do I want from you?
The relinquished ability to choose

Verse III

What have you done, to deserve such a fate?
You ****ed me around, and now it’s too late
For you are here to stay, here is your home
Beautiful purgatory, now enjoy it alone

THis is the best verse in the song!


Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
What do I want from you?
The relinquished ability to choose

Outro

And now, as I look sky bound
For that paradise in the clouds
And for the flaming fortress underground
I recall you having the best of both worlds
You are now at mind’s end


Overall its good...U just need a catchier chorus i think the last line in the chorus should be more powerful than "The relinquished ability to choose"
#13
At Mind’s End

Intro
No cloudy sky bound paradise
Where the good get their kicks
No burning hate fuelled fortress
Where the evil stake their sins
There is only one place in mind
And it comes towards the end

Verse I
Take your last breath, the final destination
Where you can rest; just be patient
For you are now stuck here to stay
No passing by, preserved from decay

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
Now that you’re here, I hope you find
You’re on your way to losing your mind

Verse II

Here you are, but where is here?
Is this a joke, or the world through a mirror?
I’ll tell you; this is like no place you’ve ever been
Admit neither chivalrous deeds nor blasphemous sins

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
Now that you’re here, I hope you find
You’re on your way to losing your mind

Verse III

What have you done, to deserve such a fate?
You ****ed me around, and now it’s too late
For you are here to stay, here is your home
Beautiful purgatory, now enjoy it alone

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
Now that you’re here, I hope you find
You’re on your way to losing your mind


Outro

And now, as I look sky bound
For that paradise in the clouds
For the flaming fortress underground
You’re stranded on the dividing line
Lost your mind and stuck in time
#14
I think it might be best for you to just edit the first post, then people will see the new version all the time.

Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#15
Quote by The Hurt Within
I think it might be best for you to just edit the first post, then people will see the new version all the time.



Yes, I think I will; I just thought that if I did that, the previous posts wouldn't make as much sense and nobody would know what other UG members were talking about
#16
I really like how the edit came out and now im trapped reading the chorus over and over again, overall i think its a good song (or maybe i think this because my english is still in development?) well nodaways im looking forward to read more of your work
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#17
Quote by XxGibsonSGxX
At Mind’s End

Intro
No cloudy sky bound paradise
Where the good get their kicks
No burning hate fuelled fortress
Where the evil stake their sins
There is only one place in mind
And it comes towards the end

I like the way that you've expressed your views in this first stanza, the language you've used helps paint the picture so much so that its changed what my mental image o fheaven and hell might be like.

Verse I
Take your last breath, the final destination
Where you can rest; just be patient
For you are now stuck here to stay
No passing by, preserved from decay

The way you've rhymed the last two lines is great and a good way to lead onto your chorus.

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
Now that you’re here, I hope you find
You’re on your way to losing your mind

Fantastic chorus, i just love the line "The fine line between "**** you" and "sorry".

Verse II

Here you are, but where is here?
Is this a joke, or the world through a mirror?
I’ll tell you; this is like no place you’ve ever been
Admit neither chivalrous deeds nor blasphemous sins

Again i like the way you've expressed your views here aswell

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
Now that you’re here, I hope you find
You’re on your way to losing your mind

Verse III

What have you done, to deserve such a fate?
You ****ed me around, and now it’s too late
For you are here to stay, here is your home
Beautiful purgatory, now enjoy it alone

the last line of this verse is great, the way you are sacastically mocking the
person in purgatory


Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
Now that you’re here, I hope you find
You’re on your way to losing your mind


Outro

And now, as I look sky bound
For that paradise in the clouds
For the flaming fortress underground
You’re stranded on the dividing line
Lost your mind and stuck in time

Its great the way you've returned to the intro with the last part of the song but changed it slightly.



One of the best songs i have ever read
#18
Quote by XxGibsonSGxX
Yes, I think I will; I just thought that if I did that, the previous posts wouldn't make as much sense and nobody would know what other UG members were talking about

1 - They don't really need to. This is more for your benefit and latecomers will be able to help you more if they aren't focused on the things you intend to change.

2 - If you like, you can put an edit in the beginning of the OP that looks something like this:

EDIT: Changes made thanks to advice from replies up to post # [insert post number here]
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#19
Quote by XxGibsonSGxX
At Mind’s End - C4C -

At Mind’s End

Intro
No cloudy sky bound paradise
Where the good get their kicks
No burning hate fuelled fortress
Where the evil stake their sins
There is only one place in mind
And it comes towards the end

Nice imagery, I could really paint a picture in my mind with that.

Verse I
Take your last breath, the final destination
Where you can rest; just be patient
For you are now stuck here to stay
No passing by, preserved from decay

Good solid verse, all of the lines fit well.

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
Now that you’re here, I hope you find
You’re on your way to losing your mind

Best part of the song imo, I liked the "fine line" part .

Verse II

Here you are, but where is here?
Is this a joke, or the world through a mirror?
I’ll tell you; this is like no place you’ve ever been
Admit neither chivalrous deeds nor blasphemous sins

Another good verse, the last line could be a little long, but it's probably just the way I'm reading it. I'm sure it fits with thte song.

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
Now that you’re here, I hope you find
You’re on your way to losing your mind

Verse III

What have you done, to deserve such a fate?
You ****ed me around, and now it’s too late
For you are here to stay, here is your home
Beautiful purgatory, now enjoy it alone

It's good, but idk with purgatory because it's in the next line in the chorus. I like this verse, though. Good good.

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
Now that you’re here, I hope you find
You’re on your way to losing your mind


Outro

And now, as I look sky bound
For that paradise in the clouds
For the flaming fortress underground
You’re stranded on the dividing line
Lost your mind and stuck in time

Ooo, very good here. I like how you talked about the sky and the fortress like in the intro, very nice.


Overall, great job. It flowed well, and you gave good imagery. I liked it.

*Btw, thx for the crit on mine .
Quote by Seryaph
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#20
Quote by XxGibsonSGxX
At Mind’s End - C4C -

At Mind’s End

Intro
No cloudy sky bound paradise
Where the good get their kicks
No burning hate fuelled fortress
Where the evil stake their sins
There is only one place in mind
And it comes towards the end
Great intro, gets into it straight from the get go, excellent!

Verse I
Take your last breath, the final destination
Where you can rest; just be patient
For you are now stuck here to stay
No passing by, preserved from decay
Still a feeling of death is stuck to my sides, as with the intro, nice work.

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
Now that you’re here, I hope you find
You’re on your way to losing your mind
Although I'm not a big fan of swearing in songs (funny, I swear a ****load!!) but this still worked, and big words always make it seem more intellegent, nicework

Verse II

Here you are, but where is here?
Is this a joke, or the world through a mirror?
I’ll tell you; this is like no place you’ve ever been
Admit neither chivalrous deeds nor blasphemous sins
I love the last line, and the first line...its all good.

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
Now that you’re here, I hope you find
You’re on your way to losing your mind

Verse III

What have you done, to deserve such a fate?
You ****ed me around, and now it’s too late
For you are here to stay, here is your home
Beautiful purgatory, now enjoy it alone
Nice work, nothing to say here that already hasn't been said

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
Now that you’re here, I hope you find
You’re on your way to losing your mind


Outro

And now, as I look sky bound
For that paradise in the clouds
For the flaming fortress underground
You’re stranded on the dividing line
Lost your mind and stuck in time
DING!, we have a winner!!!


Overall, sensational, nothing more for me to say
#21
The chorus is fantastic.


I liked the whole thing. I love the way its using more elevated language in a simple format.

The only part I didnt like as much, was the 3rd line in the Intro.

But really its only a minor dislike.

What sort of music did you have in mind for it?
#22
Quote by apod44
The chorus is fantastic.


I liked the whole thing. I love the way its using more elevated language in a simple format.

The only part I didnt like as much, was the 3rd line in the Intro.

But really its only a minor dislike.

What sort of music did you have in mind for it?


Definitely metal or hard rock, I was thinking.
#23
ntro
No cloudy sky bound paradise
Where the good get their kicks
No burning hate fuelled fortress
Where the evil stake their sins
There is only one place in mind
And it comes towards the end

wow great intro.fuelled, woulden't it make sence to say fueling? just me. and stake stakes?

Verse I
Take your last breath, the final destination
Where you can rest; just be patient
For you are now stuck here to stay
No passing by, preserved from decay

wow pretty good stanza. though i got tripped up on stuck here to stay. i thought it was repetative at first. but i mean it works iono why i thought you could have taken one out.. but nvm lol i'm just rambling now.. how does the last breath correlate to the final destination?

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
Now that you’re here, I hope you find
You’re on your way to losing your mind

wow great chorus.. i like the couplet at the end. put a nice touch. lol purgatory is a realm i like it imaginative.

Verse II

Here you are, but where is here?
Is this a joke, or the world through a mirror?
I’ll tell you; this is like no place you’ve ever been
Admit neither chivalrous deeds nor blasphemous sins

wow i like this. the last line was probably the best line i think of this whole song

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
Now that you’re here, I hope you find
You’re on your way to losing your mind

repeat

Verse III

What have you done, to deserve such a fate?
You ****ed me around, and now it’s too late
For you are here to stay, here is your home
Beautiful purgatory, now enjoy it alone

you ****ed me around.. i dotn get it? doesnt make sence

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
Now that you’re here, I hope you find
You’re on your way to losing your mind

repeat

Outro

And now, as I look sky bound
For that paradise in the clouds
For the flaming fortress underground
You’re stranded on the dividing line
Lost your mind and stuck in time

wow lol i like the outro very fitting to the rest of the song.

over all this was pretty good. just a few things that i was un sure about. probably one of the better lyrics that i've read in a while.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
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(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
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#24
Gotta do a line-by-line crit, doing any less wouldn't leave me satisfied .


At Mind’s End

Intro
No cloudy sky bound paradise
Where the good get their kicks
No burning hate fuelled fortress
Where the evil stake their sins
There is only one place in mind
And it comes towards the end


Just to make it easier to read, you might add a few dashes: sky-bound, hate-fuelled.
To me,"good" sticks out like a sore thumb around all the really descriptive words. Tons of replacements leap to mind: Better, Superior, Moral, Admirable, Honorable, Just, Right. However, I understand if you're working with syllable restrictions or simply want to contrast good, line 2, with evil, line 4.
Overall: Great. Starts off the imagery and asskickery. As you said, maybe a metal song, which this I could definitely see seguing into it: As the word 'end' at the end is sung, the drums come in and kick it into action.


Verse I
Take your last breath, the final destination
Where you can rest; just be patient
For you are now stuck here to stay
No passing by, preserved from decay


First two lines: Internal rhymes are excellent. Breath/rest, destination/patient. And I don't care what everyone else says: I like destination and patient rhyming much better than stay and decay (But don't change that either ).
The wording on line 3 is weird. "For now you are stuck here to stay." To stay obviously replaced "forever" at some point in revisions. Which brings me to "For now you are stuck here forever." 'For now' and 'forever'/'to stay' contradict. Not sure that was intentional, but if not, you should consider fixing it. Maybe, since all the other lines are divided into two parts, do something like,"You are stuck here; You must stay."


Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
Now that you’re here, I hope you find
You’re on your way to losing your mind


Flawless. The only I suggestion I could make is one that is merely a matter of preference. Line 4: I like the sound of "You're on the way..." better, but that's just me. Too many your's and you're's floating around =P.

Verse II

Here you are, but where is here?
Is this a joke, or the world through a mirror?
I’ll tell you; this is like no place you’ve ever been
Admit neither chivalrous deeds nor blasphemous sins


One question about Line 3: "I'll tell you;", but what will he tell me? It is a little unclear after two questions have been asked on lines 1 and 2.
Also, line 4 just seems bogged down in syllables, but that depends on the way/pace you sing it.


Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
Now that you’re here, I hope you find
You’re on your way to losing your mind

Verse III

What have you done, to deserve such a fate?
You ****ed me around, and now it’s too late
For you are here to stay, here is your home
Beautiful purgatory, now enjoy it alone


Normally profanity in music doesn't fly with me, but this is very very appropriate, with such powerful subject matter, so good job there.
I like the "Beautiful purgatory", either way I see to interpret it: as sarcasm or taunting.


Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
Now that you’re here, I hope you find
You’re on your way to losing your mind


Outro

And now, as I look sky bound
For that paradise in the clouds
For the flaming fortress underground
You’re stranded on the dividing line
Lost your mind and stuck in time


I really like the "dividing line" bit. To me that references back to the chorus: "The fine line", and builds on it by showing more examples of contradiction. The whole good/evil theme.


Sorry for picking it apart, I'm a nice guy, really :P. Overall, very powerful. I like the theme and flow. Good job, and thanks for the crit earlier.
"There's a fine line between child abuse and discipline. Take my dad for example; when I screwed up, my dad would electrocute me. And look at me today: flawless. Electrocution builds character." - Maddox
#25
I will mull over some things you mentioned, and about the first verse, you read it wrong ; it says "For you are now", not "For now you are", haha. And for verse II, I'm telling her/him whatever that this is like nowhere he/she has ever been, and I realized line 4 is a tad awkward, but inly because of the "admit" at the start...I wanted to edit it, but can't seem to do it well enough.
#26
Quote by XxGibsonSGxX
At Mind’s End - C4C -

At Mind’s End

Intro
No cloudy sky bound paradise
Where the good get their kicks
No burning hate fuelled fortress
Where the evil stake their sins
There is only one place in mind
And it comes towards the end

Someone mentioned this already, but the flow is disrupted by the third line. It fit, however, when I put 'Where' from the beginning of the fourth to the end of the third. Other than that minor flow disruption, it sets the standard for the lyrical content to follow, and the overall mood presented. All in all: It's good.

Verse I
Take your last breath, the final destination
Where you can rest; just be patient
For you are now stuck here to stay
No passing by, preserved from decay

With a little bit of leeway, this is really fitting to something that I had already made, which is a good thing as it gives me a very vivid sound to work with. As it is, to fit with the tempo I'm putting it to, I would add something along the lines of 'finally', in between 'Where you can' and 'rest' in the second line. If it goes with the tempo you are picturing it at, though, I wouldn't change anything.

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
Now that you’re here, I hope you find
You’re on your way to losing your mind

Ah, this is magic. I don't really find it fitting with the motif of the rest of the song, lyric wise, but it's bad ass enough that it doesn't matter.

Verse II

Here you are, but where is here?
Is this a joke, or the world through a mirror?
I’ll tell you; this is like no place you’ve ever been
Admit neither chivalrous deeds nor blasphemous sins

As sins are understood to already be blasphemous, you could remove that or replace 'neither' with 'no' to shorten the last line and even out the timing. Unless, that is, you have a lull in the music right after 'nor' to add emphasis, which would result in something pretty awesome taking place.

Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
Now that you’re here, I hope you find
You’re on your way to losing your mind

Verse III

What have you done, to deserve such a fate?
You ****ed me around, and now it’s too late
For you are here to stay, here is your home
Beautiful purgatory, now enjoy it alone

This is the only part that I really have a problem with. The last two lines just don't really mesh first couple. If I was revising it I'd say,

Here to stay, this is your home
An endless white plain, now enjoy it alone


Chorus
Trapped in this realm called purgatory
The fine line between “**** you” and “Sorry”
Now that you’re here, I hope you find
You’re on your way to losing your mind


Outro

And now, as I look sky bound
For that paradise in the clouds
For the flaming fortress underground
You’re stranded on the dividing line
Lost your mind and stuck in time

Not the way I would have gone. Once again I offer my own revision

And now, as you look sky bound
For that paradise in the clouds
Or the flaming fortress underground
You'll find you're on the dividing line
Lost to yourself and to time




Overall as it is I give it an upper 8-ish, but with a few simple flow changes and a switched word or two, it could easily be a ten. Keep it up.