#1
I racial profile like ****. <--- synonym for love making
blonde - attractive.
brunette - attractive.
black skin - sorry, try again.

but dancing is harmless, baby.

don't tell me no,
oh, oh,
oh oh oh.

oh,
no,
no bastard ever won a war
dying for his country
but I'd die for you baby,
I'd die for you
to dance with me baby.

I don't care who you are,
I just care what you look like.
it may be vain,
but I'm young,
mildly attractive,
and I dress like a felon,
if dressing superfly is a felony.

and I like dancing,
'cause it's harmless baby.

see I've been having trouble
with this whole poetic
notion lately, girl.

I kissed a black girl last night,
but I don't blame my hypocrisy
I really didn't think she was attractive.

poetry is malapropic by nature,
and I'm not even sure that's a word.
you're just writing

pen to paper
onomatopeia
portmanteau
oh oh oh

the room goes around
a-round, a-round,
my feet crack the ground
headphones,
the music's too loud,
no, oh, oh,
the music's not loud,
not loud enough,
no, oh, oh,
sound, oh, sound,
oh, jack-in-a-box pen,
rewound, rewound,
oh, jack-in a box pen,
bzzt, rewound,
oh, jack-in-a-box pen,
bzzt, rewound,
oh,
bzzt
oh
bzzt
oh
bzzt
oh

it's not redundant
if you do it with style.
it's not inversion,
baby,
it's pretentious
to be so offbeat,
oh baby baby
how were you supposed to know

my brain just plays music
and my fingers start dancing,
baby.
Last edited by SilenceEvolves at Nov 27, 2007,
#2
Quote by SilenceEvolves
I racial profile like ****. <--- synonym for love making
blonde - attractive.
brunette - attractive.
black skin - sorry, try again.

i didnt get this, so i'm not even going to try.

but dancing is harmless, baby.

i liked this, simple, cute.

don't tell me no,
oh, oh,
oh oh oh.

i thought the 'ohs' really worked, it gave some funky feeling to this little part. not much to crit here

oh,
no,
no bastard ever won a war
dying for his country
but I'd die for you baby,
I'd die for you
to dance with me baby.

hm. it's so cliché. i thought you started out pretty well, but then the 'id die for you' and the repetition of that and of baby ruined it a bit for me. it's a cute little stanza, but it's so overused..

I don't care who you are,
I just care what you look like.
it may be vain,
but I'm young,
mildly attractive,
and I dress like a felon,
if dressing superfly is a felony.

wow. this was better. the second line made me laugh, then i thought about it for a second and it's so harsh, yet so true for some people. i think this is a stanza a lot of guys will be able to relate to so props for that. i didn't really like the 'im young mildly attractive' part.

and I like dancing,
'cause it's harmless baby.

see I've been having trouble
with this whole poetic
notion lately, girl.

nice repetition of the dancing line. i liked the little stanza here, it's simple yet effective writing. i could relate to it too. not much else to crit, sorry

I kissed a black girl last night,
but I don't blame my hypocrisy
I really didn't think she was attractive.
kissing is just like dancing.

last line sounded weird when i read it, the flow was way off. also, i think the diction in the last line isn't as good as in the other lines, it sounded a bit.. too normal, lol.

poetry is malapropic by nature,
and I'm not even sure that's a word.
you're just writing

wow. sudden change in atmosphere. last line sounded like it was harsh criticism on someone; i've never heard of 'malapropic' so i'm going to leave that alone.

pen to paper
onomatopeia
portmanteau
oh oh oh

another weird stanza; i kinda felt like you were trying a bit hard here. i DID like the oh oh oh though, cause i love stuff like that :]

the room goes around
a-round, a-round,
my feet crack the ground
headphones,
the music's too loud,
no, oh, oh,
the music's not loud,
not loud enough,
no, oh, oh,
sound, oh, sound,
oh, jack-in-a-box pen,
rewound, rewound,
oh, jack-in a box pen,
bzzt, rewound,
oh, jack-in-a-box pen,
bzzt, rewound,
oh,
bzzt
oh
bzzt
oh
bzzt
oh

i seriously thought this was amazing. by far the best stanza in this whole poem. it seemed like you suddenly found your style, found the way you wanted to write. the flow was amazing, the lines were class; i loved this.

it's not redundant
if you do it with style.
it's not inversion,
baby,
it's pretentious
to be so offbeat,
oh baby baby
how were you supposed to know

last line sounded off; i liked the other lines, it wasn't as good as the previous stanza but it came close. you seriously got better near the end of this one

my brain just plays music
and my fingers start dancing,
baby.

great ending.


i loved the ending, i didn't care that much for the first half though.

thanks for doing mine

joris


EDIT:
i just read this again;
was this aimed at some people in s&l?
Last edited by phantom1 at Nov 26, 2007,
#3
Woof, woof.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#4
wow thanks dude I don't think I've gotten a full crit in years. the beginning was about how I'm not attracted to black girls.

I like that comment a lot for some reason, culex. it like encapsulates how I was feeling when I wrote this, at least the way I interpret you saying that.