#1
I haven't thought of a better name yet, and I may change things about it, but I wanted to know your thoughts on it so far.

Thanks.

Tears

Watery fluid continually flowing from my eyes
As the result of raw grief emotion
Lacrimation has set in because of my imagination
Spread across the surface of my face
The tears are chasing one another
Teardrop falls another tear pulls

As long as you have grieve they will try to give you a relieve
As long as you have distress they will drop at your request
As long as you have emotion they will soak up your face lotion

Weeping because these feelings
Unhappiness leads to the attack
Don't gritar when you start to grito
When the tears lubricate your eyes
Don't ask if's, but's, or why's
Just know there's not a thing to fear when your in tears

As long as you have grieve they will try to give you a relieve
As long as you have distress they will drop at your request
As long as you have emotion they will soak up the face lotion

I weep for how long I like when I'm alone
Unhappiness leads to the attack
They wait for so long to run down your face
Dark, dull, gloomy thoughts will bring them down

Tears will not serve to the fear
Tear falling down your face when you look up to space
You ask why water is coating your face
Tears floating from the sides of the glands
But don't fear let your tears flow away
They will help you understand
They will help you understand why tears
They will help you understand why tears will defeat all your fears
#6
Thanks for the replies.

Here's the start of a song that I've started writing.

Is this the way it was suppose to be?
Yes the same line used again
But being apart from others
With not a single friend, or lover
It sends a shiver down my spine
It's been fine for years
But in my time of need
I see everyone just wanting to see me bleed
Even though I didn't do a thing
And now I'll have to sing this song alone
#7
Quote by Egaot
Thanks for the replies.

Here's the start of a song that I've started writing.

Is this the way it was suppose to be?
Yes the same line used again
But being apart from others
With not a single friend, or lover
It sends a shiver down my spine
It's been fine for years
But in my time of need
I see everyone just wanting to see me bleed
Even though I didn't do a thing
And now I'll have to sing this song alone


it's best to post this in a new thread, it'll get you more replies. make sure you follow the rules regarding titles and posting limits (1 per day, 2 per 6 days).
#8
Quote by thev90
you ****in' suck

I believe it's you who "***in' suck", seeing as you're smart and mature enough to give a grade 3 response. Did you just learn the "f" word from your cool friend, Johnny, who learned it from his dad, who beats him and swears at him? Cool, I guess. Tell me when you post something.
#9
Quote by Egaot
I haven't thought of a better name yet, and I may change things about it, but I wanted to know your thoughts on it so far.

Thanks.

Tears

Watery fluid continually flowing from my eyes
As the result of raw grief emotion
Lacrimation has set in because of my imagination
Spread across the surface of my face
The tears are chasing one another
Teardrop falls another tear pulls

I would reword the first line. I like the rest, though.

As long as you have grieve they will try to give you a relieve
As long as you have distress they will drop at your request
As long as you have emotion they will soak up your face lotion

first line: grieve = grief, second line "as long as you are in distress" , third line : "as long as you show emotion" and the end to that line...change it...face lotion just wrecks the feel.

Weeping because these feelings
Unhappiness leads to the attack
Don't gritar when you start to grito
When the tears lubricate your eyes
Don't ask if's, but's, or why's
Just know there's not a thing to fear when your in tears

Lines 1 & 2 don't transition properly. Not sure what line 3 means. Rest is pretty good.

As long as you have grieve they will try to give you a relieve
As long as you have distress they will drop at your request
As long as you have emotion they will soak up the face lotion

Mentioned above.

I weep for how long I like when I'm alone
Unhappiness leads to the attack
They wait for so long to run down your face
Dark, dull, gloomy thoughts will bring them down

This is good; how = however; flows better.

Tears will not serve to the fear
Tear falling down your face when you look up to space
You ask why water is coating your face
Tears floating from the sides of the glands
But don't fear let your tears flow away
They will help you understand
They will help you understand why tears
They will help you understand why tears will defeat all your fears

Wasn't a fan of the last stanza; weird to use "glands" and just the description of imagery I get...doesn't work, IMO.


Overall, just do a clean sweep on the spelling, tenses and grammer, and it should be pretty good. Crit "At Mind's End" for me if you have a chance. Keeeeep writing!

Mark
#10
this song really captures the meaning of crying. but the first line....."iffy"..... you might want to change it. but other than that this song really has potential. PM me if you write anything else