#1
Ok, before any of you go, "here we go again" I am telling you know, THIS is the last song I plan on writing about these bloody Jesters, I got rid of all that built up jester stuff, and this is the last of it, so because its the arse end its not my fault its bad... leave a link if you want crit for crit!!

Silence fills the forests walls
A sound that twists and turns
An echo none have heard
As soon the raven calls

Atop the mound of darkness
The light of a world may sit
A Trickster lies in patient wait
Beneath the mask he cries

From west to east his voice will etch
Tales of the moon and stars that soon
Will rain from heavens so bold
His laughter to change and mould

The night from which he rises
A star so bright and pure
He leads the day to new
As pure a Morning Star

The Jester of the kings
Sing to the air king
Sing to the earth king
Sing to Enlightenment
Sing to the raging seas

Through envy and greed
Ambition is reached
Through the people-
“Behold” they shout to heavens high
“I am my own man”

The Trickster of the moon
Reaches to the corners
Of mystics on the footpath
As the heavens cry

The Trickster of the stars
Sits upon the crescent moon
A chair of plated gold
The smile he wears so cold

The twins of east and west
The Jesters that rule the rest
The signs are easy to see
When the sung to you so softly
As the morning grows
#2
I dont think the second verse flows very well but the rest is pretty good. i like the second verse i think you should just try to re-write it. not to bad tho. i like your imagery and the way you word your song in this one. not bad at all
8/10
#3
Quote by Zephyr Zylöz

Silence fills the forests walls
A sound that twists and turns
An echo none have heard
As soon the raven calls

I like the way you started this off, and the rhyming flows nicely without seeming forced.

Atop the mound of darkness
The light of a world may sit
A Trickster lies in patient wait
Beneath the mask he cries

A bit trickier, here, but I really like the imagery. It might benefit from a little rewording, though.

From west to east his voice will etch
Tales of the moon and stars that soon
Will rain from heavens so bold
His laughter to change and mould

Your rhyming changes yet again here, which is nice, but might make rhythm a bit trickier if sung. Still, nice articulation.

The night from which he rises
A star so bright and pure
He leads the day to new
As pure a Morning Star

Nothing I'd want to change here, it just seems to further push the story.

The Jester of the kings
Sing to the air king
Sing to the earth king
Sing to Enlightenment
Sing to the raging seas

I might want to change the air king/earth king into something a bit less similar to eachother, and less straightforward. But that's just me, and otherwise it's quite good.

Through envy and greed
Ambition is reached
Through the people-
“Behold” they shout to heavens high
“I am my own man”

I really enjoyed this part here, nothing I'd change.

The Trickster of the moon
Reaches to the corners
Of mystics on the footpath
As the heavens cry

The flow here doesn't seem to work, for me. I would possibly change the way you put forth this part of the story.

The Trickster of the stars
Sits upon the crescent moon
A chair of plated gold
The smile he wears so cold

Another great part here, I like the twist where the Jester is likened to a king.

The twins of east and west
The Jesters that rule the rest
The signs are easy to see
When the sung to you so softly
As the morning grows

This is just personal taste, but compared to the rest of this last verse, the last line seems to fall flat, just a bit anti-climactic.


Aside from a few small details, I really liked this. And in my opinion, rare is the time when there are too many songs with imagery about jesters