#1
Crit for crit.
I honestly am not sure if this is any good or not- it's kind of a stylistic departure for me, it's deliberately all over the place and any opinions on whether it works or not are welcome.

edit: Ha, I swear I didn't know there was another poem on the front page with an arbitrary date for a title. And here I was thinking I was being slightly original.

December 18


she's got it dripping from her fingertips,
pooling in puddles, nuclear waste-
she's got some on her worn down shoes.
it's just another stain to her, but it's something more to me,
another mark, another taste.
she's got the smell of booze on her lips,
she's speaking soft and free,
one last step in her own
radiometric decay.

it'll hunt you down eventually.

it has already caught your scent.

the city reeks of red-
lipstick, blood, and strawberries-
tenement windows frost quietly,
delicate patterns glazing yellowed glass.
such a pretty trick.
a man with a Stalin mustache hazes behind the
concealing frost.
a girl with waterfall eyes lives intraveneously
on borrowed satin sheets.
the night dies with a whimper;
sunborn mist rises from the steaming alleys,
clothes the city in cheap shimmer.

the city reeks of red-
lipstick, blood, and strawberries-
tenement windows frost quietly,
delicate patterns glazing yellowed glass.
Last edited by oblique at Nov 27, 2007,
#2
pretty good. good word choice. and also Dec. 18th is my birthday!
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#6
Apologies for leaving you out, I must have missed your thread. Anyway...

she's got it dripping from her fingertips,
pooling in puddles, nuclear waste-
she's got some on her worn down shoes.
it's just another stain to her, but it's something more to me,
another mark, another taste.
she's got the smell of booze on her lips,
she's speaking soft and free,
one last step in her own
radiometric decay.
Very nice ideas here, the flow really does well for this opening stanza. There's a bit of repetition with some phrases, but I think that in general this is a strong opening.

it'll hunt you down eventually.

it has already caught your scent.
I really disliked this part being structured as it is, thus making the lines lose any point or meaning.

the city reeks of red-
lipstick, blood, and strawberries-
tenement windows frost quietly,
delicate patterns glazing yellowed glass.
such a pretty trick.
a man with a Stalin mustache hazes behind the
concealing frost.
a girl with waterfall eyes lives intraveneously
on borrowed satin sheets.
the night dies with a whimper;
sunborn mist rises from the steaming alleys,
clothes the city in cheap shimmer.
So many good ideas in here, but this bit is so over-worded and just too full for its own good. You have really nice ideas and great lines in there, you just need to space them out a bit, perhaps even two stanzas are hiding in this one.

the city reeks of red-
lipstick, blood, and strawberries-
tenement windows frost quietly,
delicate patterns glazing yellowed glass.
I really like this piece ending on a repeat from the previous stanza. Very fitting for the feel of it, in my mind.

So in general, some really solid ideas in there, a bit of a messy feeling though, for the entire piece. The structure needs to be worked out better. I really liked some of the things I saw here but my best description of this piece would be "raw". Just work on it more, it has great potential.

Carmel
This is not a pipe