#1
Heyo, here's a song:

(The bold is like, spoken at the beginning/end of the song)

Hey dude, I wrote this song to like, talk about the good I wanna do, yknow?

When I burp I can taste the white castle that I ate
When I was playing Tony Hawk, man I was high as a kite,
and I was thinking maybe if I try really hard
I can get better grades when school starts up again this fall,
I can stop half-assing everything and actually do my work,
And maybe while I'm at it I can stop being such a jerk
To everyone who doesn't think and act just like I do,
And I'll pick up some orphans and take 'em to the zoo,
And I'll get a job and give my paycheck to Darfur
And I'll kick anyones ass who even THINKS of wearing fur,
And I head on over to California, put out those damned fires myself,
I'll burn a thousand Harry Potter books, keep 'em off of our kids shelves,
I'll meet up with Michael Moore and show the world the truth,
About the connections between terrorists and hall-of-famer Babe Ruth,
And when I'm done with all of that, I'll kick back and relax,
Oh what a productive year it's gonna be!

I'm gonna better me!
I realize my flaws, and I'm working on it
I'll be the best I can be,
You just wait and see!

As I was sitting on my couch in my pot-induced stupor,
I got to thinking that man it'd be really really super,
If I could cut out global warming, so I turned off all the lights,
To save energy and help Al Gore's noble plight,
But then I thought to myself "dude, what's with AIDs?"
So I decided to give all my money (as soon as I got paid)
To research to beat that damned disease,
People are dying because of the birds and the bees!
That's when I ran out of causes, I couldn't think of any more,
And then I passed out asleep SNORE SNORE


I'm gonna better me!
I realize my flaws, and I'm working on it
I'll be the best I can be,
You just wait and see!

Oh dude, that's awesome, what'd ya get done so far?

Oh.. what?

Like, on the list of **** to do, what'd you do?

Oh.. I dunno.. I never really got around to any of that.

Oh..

Yeah..

It's pretty catchy, though.



It's sang reaaaally fast, and it's like that whole, spit-out-words-without breathing thing that a lot of punk songs do.. I like it a lot xD.
#2
this sucks, the beginning sounds like a cheesy rap song
Quote by IbanezSA160a
Gays aren't discriminated against, they just can't get married, big ****ing deal.
#3
Aw man, really? I thought it was good. Yknow it's all sarcasm, right? Like, it's poking fun at those "THERE ARE STARVING PEOPLE IN DARFUR AND GLOBAL WARMING AND SAVE THE ANIMALS" type of people who don't actually do anything?

It's catchy!
#4
not tryin to be an ass, but if there were more tree hugger "save the animal" type ppl on this planet, im thinkin this world would be so much better in many aspects, but thats besides the point
Quote by IbanezSA160a
Gays aren't discriminated against, they just can't get married, big ****ing deal.
#5
Nah man that stuff is all cool, but there's tons of kids in my school that like, have the facebook causes application and are all "OMG I SUPPORT DA DARFUR PPLZ" but aren't really doing anything to help at all. I just got annoyed that it was becoming an image to care about all that stuff, but not to care enough to actually do anything helpful at all.
#6
Dude, yeah, I know what you're saying with this song. I liked it a lot, thought it was good.
#7
Meh, its okay, I can see what youre saying, but...Well, it felt mediocre.

You lines dont flow, they feel either too long or too short, like you hadnt considered the metre at all, and the whole couplet thing is just rubbish. Really, really, change that.
Its okay, just no masterpeice. Take what you want to say and apply it to a melody, give it an interesting structure, and draw on some interesting imagery.
#8
I actually didn't consider meter or anything like that when writing, I just played a C then an F then a C then a G over and over and sang over it.. xD. I swear it works when playing -- maybe I'll upload a clip of me singing it or something
#10
i'm sorry, but most of this just doesn't make any sense. in one breath you're saying you'll support a conservative agenda(burning harry potter books), and the very next sentence is about teaming up with micheal moore who is extremely liberal. you're basically saying f*** you to everyone without giving any thought or reasoning. the whole piece just feels really immature to me.

and i also think you may be focusing on the wrong group here. it sounds like a lot of the people you're referring to are people who care about a certain cause, but don't have the means to help. you're completely forgetting all the people out there who have the money, the means, the power to make real differences, but instead just turn their backs. sure, people who talk about helping and do nothing are annoying, but at least they are conscious enough to acknowledge the problems in the world, right?

sorry, this was really self-righteous pessimistic of me. but hey, i'm in a pessimistic/self-righteous mood right now, so what can ya do?
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#11
Quote by hope's downfall
i'm sorry, but most of this just doesn't make any sense. in one breath you're saying you'll support a conservative agenda(burning harry potter books), and the very next sentence is about teaming up with micheal moore who is extremely liberal. you're basically saying f*** you to everyone without giving any thought or reasoning. the whole piece just feels really immature to me.

and i also think you may be focusing on the wrong group here. it sounds like a lot of the people you're referring to are people who care about a certain cause, but don't have the means to help. you're completely forgetting all the people out there who have the money, the means, the power to make real differences, but instead just turn their backs. sure, people who talk about helping and do nothing are annoying, but at least they are conscious enough to acknowledge the problems in the world, right?

sorry, this was really self-righteous pessimistic of me. but hey, i'm in a pessimistic/self-righteous mood right now, so what can ya do?


DUDE, he's high! "I Get Ambitious While High"; stuff doesn't need to make sense. Stuff just happens, and then you try to make sense of it while enjoying a large bag of Doritos.
#12
I actually really liked it. Being rebelious and Liberal and civil and prolife and all at once. Quite catchy and very funny, Maybe it is because I know where you are coming from with the "Pot-Induced Stupor" or maybe because I hate the orginization.... But really it was quite good.

Crit mine if you would like, I would appreciate it. http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=719049
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#13
Quote by hope's downfall
i'm sorry, but most of this just doesn't make any sense. in one breath you're saying you'll support a conservative agenda(burning harry potter books), and the very next sentence is about teaming up with micheal moore who is extremely liberal. you're basically saying f*** you to everyone without giving any thought or reasoning. the whole piece just feels really immature to me.

and i also think you may be focusing on the wrong group here. it sounds like a lot of the people you're referring to are people who care about a certain cause, but don't have the means to help. you're completely forgetting all the people out there who have the money, the means, the power to make real differences, but instead just turn their backs. sure, people who talk about helping and do nothing are annoying, but at least they are conscious enough to acknowledge the problems in the world, right?

sorry, this was really self-righteous pessimistic of me. but hey, i'm in a pessimistic/self-righteous mood right now, so what can ya do?



I'm not writing as myself, first off, lemme just point that out xD. It's someone else speaking, yknow? Someone that I'm satirizing?

And I wasn't really trying to support any political agenda, so I guess I flip-flopped, yeah xD.

Oh and, I'm not allowed to post two things for crit in one day, right?


Edit: Wait a minute. This song is weird as hell, I just realized.

When I burp I can taste the white castle that I ate
When I was playing Tony Hawk, man I was high as a kite,
and I was thinking maybe if I try really hard
I can get better grades when school starts up again this fall,
I can stop half-assing everything and actually do my work,
And maybe while I'm at it I can stop being such a jerk

As soon as I got past THAT part, I started writing as someone else.

...This whole thing is really just a mess.
Last edited by quaffedstache at Nov 28, 2007,
#16
Hey, I liked it.

I can't be arsed critting right now but I thought it was better than some people are giving it credit for.

I liked the ending in bold, I could hear it being spoken.

good job.
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#17
I liked it to, I think it's apt. The things you think about when stoned, if only everyone done it all the problems in the universe would be solved in minutes.