#1
eh, i dont feel like explaining this piece. i think the title may be too obvious. suggestions are very much appreciated. c4c.


another sane account of the road to insanity

finally comes
the first mumbled admittance
of a mind disconnected,
of a heartbeat disturbed
by the thinning of blood
that's now weaker than water
that hydrates the roots
of non-familial trees
because who would ever feel
committed to the committed?

dial tones,
busy signals,
feedback,
interference,
stale, stagnant air.

acknowledgment is
the first unsteady step
down the road to acceptance,
a road that i passed on
to chase a giant apple
atop the trunk of a tree
that i needed to taste,
so i ran down the path
to unrealistic fruits, and
my very own bell jar.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#2
Quote by hope's downfall
eh, i dont feel like explaining this piece. i think the title may be too obvious. suggestions are very much appreciated. c4c.


another sane account of the road to insanity

finally comes
the first mumbled admittance
of a mind disconnected,
of a heartbeat disturbed
by the thinning of blood
that's now weaker than water
that hydrates the roots
of non-familial trees
because who would ever feel
committed to the committed?

First of all i really liked the whole idea here. Theimagery use is good even if not that gr8 bit idea is really excellent . However lack of punctuation is killing the mood . The whole stanzaseems to be a one long run sentence becauuse of which it gets irritating while reading . . I liked how you used "mind disconnected" instead of "disconnected mind" but I didn't like the same repitition just after that

"of a heartbeat disturbed"

Instead of disturbed use some metaphor instead like "offbeat heartbeat" or "misplaced" something like that . The whole description of blood thicker than water is somehow cliche but whatever works for you . Just use some punctuattion in the stanza and it'll do just fine.



dial tones,
busy signals,
feedback,
interference,
stale, stagnant air.


I liked how u used the various technological refrences but something was missing in the end . What i felt was that it needed some punchline to hold them together. I guess that's me and my preference . Anyway just try too add on them so that when u move to next stanza . It doesn't seem that disjointed from the whole piece.


acknowledgment is
the first unsteady step
down the road to acceptance,
a road that i passed on
to chase a giant apple
atop the trunk of a tree
that i needed to taste,
so i ran down the path
to unrealistic fruits, and
my very own bell jar.



To be honest with you . I didn't get the ending . I have some partial idea but . I don't know what exactly it means thats the reason why I'm critting this in first place. the imagery used with whole apple and desire was good.

OverallIt was a nice read with some gr8 ideas . I'll see u around


Andy
Hi
#3
Quote by hope's downfall



finally comes
the first mumbled admittance
of a mind disconnected,
of a heartbeat disturbed
by the thinning of blood
that's now weaker than water
that hydrates the roots
of non-familial trees
because who would ever feel
committed to the committed?

The very first line has me hooked. It makes me wonder, "What the heck happened before to make you want finally to be here?" Good start. I disagree with Abishek though, I really like the repetition of the noun-adjective structure. Puts extra emphasis on those lines... and they deserve it. From here though, it feels like you are losing steam. I think I would re-do 5th and 6th lines like this:

by thinning blood.
Blood that's now....

I think it adds a neater emphasis on the internal struggle to survive, etc. Plus, I like the repetition to help tie the stanza more closely together. The last line is a neat rhetorical... I like it. Please, for the love of all that is holy, punctuate this. It will make it much easier to read.


dial tones,
busy signals,
feedback,
interference,
stale, stagnant air.

Very good atmosphere-ical description here. I get the loneliness that I think you are going for. I can infer the hatred as well. You've really built quite the scene with these 5 short lines. Feels like the Proverbial Shit is about to hit the fan.


acknowledgment is
the first unsteady step
down the road to acceptance,
a road that i passed on
to chase a giant apple
atop the trunk of a tree
that i needed to taste,
so i ran down the path
to unrealistic fruits, and
my very own bell jar.

Very good. That's all I've got. Good to see some punctuation though *wink*


So, I'm quite impressed young grasshopper. Very solid piece.

My Interpretation:

Boy... "I like you", "me too".... Boy never calls again.... girl holds out hope.... etc....

It's a situation I've seen a lot, and I'm typically the guy who ends up hearing about it because I'm "trustworthy." So, I suppose that's why I connected with that meaning. It's something that I deal with a lot.

Still very great writing. And I like the title. Given, it doesn't really suit the piece too well, but I still like it.

c4c on two shovelfuls (if you haven't already, I can't remember and am much to lazy to look).

peace and coconuts,

-zC
#4
thanks for the crit andy! i actually meant for the first and last stanzas to be run-ons. i was going for a kind of frantic disconnected logic. i'm not really sure what i was going for in the second stanza. i meant to add a couple more lines to connect it to the rest, but i decided against it. partly because of the mood i wanted to convey, and partly out of laziness.

and the end is a reference to sylvia plath's the bell jar. just so's ya know...


EDIT: zc i dont know what happened, but i didnt even see your crit when i left this comment. i swear i didnt mean to completely ignore you. sorry! i'll do your piece right now.

oh, and you're way off about the concept. the title is really appropriate in the fact that it pretty much gives it all away...i kind of want to change it for that very reason. and thanks for the crit!!
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
Last edited by hope's downfall at Nov 29, 2007,
#5
Quote by hope's downfall



another sane account of the road to insanity

finally comes
i didn't really like this as the first line; i thought you could've started with something stronger, this didn't really make me want to read on
the first mumbled admittance
of a mind disconnected,
of a heartbeat disturbed
i quite liked this part; the flow was amazing. not the most original lines ever, but yeah, i like
by the thinning of blood
that's now weaker than water
i didn't really like the blood thing here, it's so overdone, and the water line was pretty.. weak
that hydrates the roots
of non-familial trees
non-familial sounded a bit weird in this context; i like the idea but the word didn't really do it for me
because who would ever feel
committed to the committed?
i liked this

dial tones,
busy signals,
feedback,
interference,
stale, stagnant air.
it felt a bit disconnect from the first stanza, but i like this

acknowledgment is
the first unsteady step
down the road to acceptance,
i didn't like 'the road to acceptence', nor did i like the repetition of 'road'. i thought 'unsteady step' was pretty good, it added something to the line.
a road that i passed on
to chase a giant apple
atop the trunk of a tree
that i needed to taste,
i didn't like this; 'that i needed to taste' was such a poorly written line IMO, you could've done so much more with these few lines.
so i ran down the path
to unrealistic fruits, and
my very own bell jar.
nice ending i guess


thanks for doing mine. i'll get to the other one too.
#6
I read it (as promised) and I actually find a few things worth saying.


another sane account of the road to insanity

finally comes
the first mumbled admittance
of a mind disconnected,
of a heartbeat disturbed
by the thinning of blood
that's now weaker than water
that hydrates the roots
of non-familial trees
Up to this point, it's a bit sketchy, but I like that. non-familial feel uneasy. You might look for something better here.
because who would ever feel
committed to the committed?
because spoils this for me. I'm looking for a cause and effect relationship that hasn't been presented.

dial tones,
busy signals,
feedback,
interference,
stale, stagnant air.
Love this. Short staccato bursts. Irritants. Frustration.
consider replacing the last line with a term from broadcasting: dead air.
imho that would be even more powerful.


acknowledgment is
the first unsteady step
down the road to acceptance,
a road that i passed on
passed on is ambiguous. At first I though you meant declined the opportunity, then I wondered for a moment, if you meant traveled upon.
to chase a giant apple
atop the trunk of a tree
that i needed to taste,
so i ran down the path
to unrealistic fruits, and
my very own bell jar.
I don't understand some of the references, but I don't much care. The last part just seemed free, slightly disorienting and ... well ... sexy.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#8
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
I read it (as promised) and I actually find a few things worth saying.



as promised?? i dont remember being promised anything. not that i mind the crit, or that i am scorning your promise to me...i just didnt know it existed.

many many thanks to you and phantom for the crits. you're both wonderful.

phantom, i totally agree, i loathe the line 'that i needed to taste' and i loathe myself for writing it. bad, ray, bad!!
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?