#1
Cunning cats are quietly waiting
on the corner of my street,
watching us, wanting you;
surely for your skin, which
smells as sweetly as it does.
“Carry on,” my cold stare warns the shining
eyes of tiny tigers with an agenda.
“Come in,” I beckon,
seeking to save you from evil intentions.
But you do not see them, and
smile at me as if I suggested a complete atrocity;
you ridicule me with those
taunting eyes.
So I step inside,
shutting the door behind my back -
leaving you behind as well, just
to hear your cries as they devour you.
And I shake my head
as I put on some music, and
start preparing my
dinner for one.
This is not a pipe
#2
You know what I think of this. =)


I'm glad I could help.
Last edited by confusius at Nov 29, 2007,
#3
Quote by carmel_l
Cunning cats are quietly waiting
I'd have preferred to see some new alliteration for cats - cunning is a bit unoriginal, but as always it works with the meaning.
on the corner of my street,
watching, wanting -
you;
didn't fancy the "you" broken up with the dash then the semi-colon. for me didn't read right.
surely for your skin, which
smells as sweetly as it does.
For a poem about cats, the "ss" sound reminds me of snakes. How about softer, "m" sounds for meowing in the piece? This would have brought a bit of an extra dimension to the piece .Though of course, the "s" could be hissing to rid the cats.
“Carry on,” my cold stare warns the shining
eyes of tiny tigers with an agenda.
"with an agenda" sounded a bit awkward, sort of knocked off the flow. Especially after all the consonance and alliteration. You could find a better way to put this, I think. Also, "tiny tigers", although nice, doesn't tie into the meaning as much as I would have liked - is there a more dynamic image that could tie into the overall meaning more?
And then, “Come in,” I beckon,
Your poetic voice is great here, you leave out the right words and sentences so well. It's envious how great it is to read and simply piece together. It's not overcomplicated but it asks for at least a second read.
seeking to save you from evil intentions.
"evil" seemed the wrong word here. Seemed too juvenile, I feel.
But you don’t see them, and
Drop the but? Or move it to after the and? To many sentences starting with basic discours emarkers, mostly "and", so I feel a change would be good/necessary.
you smile at me,
as if I suggested a complete atrocity;
Eugh. You'll probably curse me for this because you'd never forsake meaning for rhyme, but it just felt atrocity was there for that. Perhaps it's because of the flow here - the modifier feels awkward, I think it is that which kicks this line up.
you ridicule me with those
taunting eyes.
And as I step inside, shutting the door
behind my back -
I think that "behind me" is better than behind my back - what you have now I think drags out what I believe would be a quick action - behind me shows that you shut it quickly, not caring. Also, "closing" I think works better - the hard consonance of "shutting", although used here to show the dislike, feels a tad unnatural in a piece with so much soft sounds in it.
and I hear your cries,
as they devour you.
And I shake my head
I don't like the over-use of "ands" - it did start to grate on me a bit. Especially here.
as I put on some music, and
start preparing my
dinner for one.
Excellent end, as always.

Just the points I made,really.




I'd appreciate either a crit on Rose (which is getting on now, anyway) that's in my sig, or Princess, which I believe is on the first page.

no worries if you can't Carmel. Thanks for the read
#4
Thanks Jamie, unfortunately, the piece has changed quite a bit since you posted your critique.

Sorry

You may want to review what you said. But I will definitely check yours out.
This is not a pipe
#5
Well I must be on the right track as some things I noted were changed regardless

I do think the new draft is improved. I'd only pick out the "evil" still, but that's probably personal preference in the end.

#6
i have to say i was very impressed with the almost charming evil-ness i feel when i read this. i dont think it needs any improvments its nice how it is sorry i couldnt be more help
pardon me... do you have any grey poupon?
#7
Quote by carmel_l
Cunning cats are quietly waiting
on the corner of my street,
watching us, wanting you;
surely for your skin, which
smells as sweetly as it does.

I was very impressed up to this point. The main problem is in the first line. I feel like Cunning cats doesn't do justice to the lrest of your alliterations. It's just too, bleh... you know, its normal... its something that I (in all of my plainness would have said). I can already tell that you are capable of much more than that.

Also, your flow is good. And I like the image you are paining... I can already feel darkness.


“Carry on,” my cold stare warns the shining
eyes of tiny tigers with an agenda.

R.I.P. Flow... you had a good run.


“Come in,” I beckon,
seeking to save you from evil intentions.

Evil feels to plain as well. Still very impressed with your writing.

But you do not see them, and
smile at me as if I suggested a complete atrocity;

Internal rhyming = good. Extremely long line = bad. I'd break it into two.

you ridicule me with those
taunting eyes.
So I step inside,
shutting the door behind my back -
leaving you behind as well, just
to hear your cries as they devour you.

I like shutting and behind... gives an air of "I meant to" as compared to close, which could be an accident. Godo word choice, young lady.

And I shake my head
as I put on some music, and
start preparing my
dinner for one.

Really like this closing. It works well, it show intent, it shows the "I don't care-ness" of the piece.


I really enjoyed this. Not a lot to say... and most of what I said was nit-picky at best. You have quite the talent.

Well, if you have time, I would appreciate more comments on "Two Shovelfuls Help the Medicine Go Down" (link in siggy)

If not, no worries, you've blessed me with a good read.

peace and coconuts,

-zC