#1
In case your reading this for the first time and not reading the whole thread the red version is my final edit. (edited lower in the thread)

I spent the whole day dreaming of dying again
all the possibility's ring inside my head
without them my life feels like a game of make believe
theres not much to it, being sick, I never play or pretend

but what is a bad habit if its not a light motif?
I'm singing, swinging, drinking, engulfed in disbelief
My self destructive behaviors are the ones I truly love
since she left me I just cant do anymore drugs

I'm in pain, I'm loosing a boxing match
throw in the towel, I see double in the mirror
One was bad enough, too is just too much
I scream and he wont leave me, I made the mirror crack

for a minute, a moment, please make the spinning stop
On the phone I said "I'll take the pills", she said "I'll call the cops"
I'm a horse on a carousel, swirling steel spike through my spine
when I come around the bend, oh how the carnival scene shines
----
ok so I'm realizing after reading this a couple of times how its hard to get because I really use no rhyme scheme throughout. Trust me, it flows when I sing it (think bright eyes, the strokes etc). I would post a recording but I cant play guitar well enough yet to write something for it. oh well.
----
I spent the whole day dreaming of dying again
all the possibilities ring inside my head
without them my life's a game, its just make believe
theres not much to it, being sick, I would hate to leave

but what is a bad habit if its not a light motif?
I'm singing, swinging, drinking, engulfed in disbelief
I've been working my way up, from the inside out
to purify the broken words that accidentally spill out of my mouth

I'm in pain, I'm loosing this boxing match
throw in the towel, I see double in the mirror
One was bad enough, two is just too much
I scream but he wont leave. smash. I'm always breaking glass

now I must pick up the broken remnants of my reflection
shattered and scattered on that worn out tile floor
for each one I remove theres a thousand more
and I'm bleeding now, I'm leaving now, falling out the door

for a minute, a moment, please make the spinning stop
On the phone I said "I'll take the pills", she said "I'll call the cops"
I'm a horse on a carousel, swirling steel spike through my spine
when I come around the bend, I'm back at the beginning again
Last edited by blackmajik2021 at Nov 30, 2007,
#2
Its not the lack of rhyme that throws me off here...its that you're trying to be abstract with metaphors and such and yet your wording is so...literal, if you get me. I like what each line in itself is saying but I think you could say it so much better if you put some more time into it. Just work on the wording. otherwise, solid.
#3
well, honestly i write really spontaneously and I wrote than in 5 minutes about 10 minutes ago. I'm trying to be literal. I find that I often connect with songs that are very literal and metaphorical and i try to re-create that in my songs. I've been inspired by the literal quality of artists such as blink 182 that can pull you in with their lyrics despite how poorly written they are, and those who skillfully blend the two elements such as bob dylan and conor oberst. I don't see whats wrong with bouncing back and forth. I would rather have you criticize the metaphors and statements themselves.

thanks for the critique though.

if it helps, its very very slow, so each line is heard on its own.
Last edited by blackmajik2021 at Nov 30, 2007,
#4
Quote by blackmajik2021

I spent the whole day dreaming of dying again
all the possibility's ring inside my head
without them my life is like a game of make believe
theres not much to it, being sick, I never play or pretend
Your first line was very strong, a really interesting opening. Just to nitpick, "possibility's" should be possibilities. (Once you read Eats Shoots And Leaves you never go back.) I think you sould chnage "my life is like a..." to "my life is a...", just because a simile here would work better than a metaphor. Other than that I have very few problems with this. Its a great opening.

but what is a bad habit if its not a light motif?
I'm singing, swinging, drinking, engulfed in disbelief
My self destructive behaviors are the ones I truly love
since she left me I just cant do anymore drugs
I loved this stanza till the last line, which didnt seem to fit. I know you said it rhymes okay when you sing it, but it was the flow too. The line felt awkward. I also felt "my self destructive behaviours" could be better put. Other than that, great, I'm getting a real Bright Eyes vibe from this, which I love

I'm in pain, I'm loosing a boxing match
throw in the towel, I see double in the mirror
One was bad enough, too is just too much
I scream and he wont leave me, I made the mirror crack
Fecking amazing. Nowt more I can say about this stanza. Again with the Bright Eyes, but this time I could beleive it had been written by Conor himself. Brilliant

for a minute, a moment, please make the spinning stop
On the phone I said "I'll take the pills", she said "I'll call the cops"
I'm a horse on a carousel, swirling steel spike through my spine
when I come around the bend, oh how the carnival scene shines
Again very little I could critiscise here. Fantastic parralelism on the second and first lines, lovely imagery...One thing, the last line, like the second stanza, felt awkward. You need to close it on a great, poignant note, and I didnt feel this was it. You clearly have a real talent, and I think you can come up with something better. Other than that, thsi was fecking amazing, if I may be blunt. For god's sake, keep writing.



Peace
Dave
#5
thank you dave, that was an awesome in depth critique. I really appreciate the compliments because I really feel like everything I write is garbage. the nitpicking was good, I don't want to look stupid. I actually agree with you completely, the two lines that you said you didn't feel at the end of those two stanzas I didn't really feel either. they kind of worked, but that was it, just a "kind-of". If im not feeling it theres no way you can feel it.

also, the comparison to conor oberst is a huge compliment.

as soon as i get the chance I'm gonna check out your stuff.

much respect.
#6
revision, I like the feel of this a lot more

edit title:horse on a carousel

I spent the whole day dreaming of dying again
all the possibility's ring inside my head
without them my life is a game, its just make believe
theres not much to it, being sick, I never play or pretend

but what is a bad habit if its not a light motif?
I'm singing, swinging, drinking, engulfed in disbelief
My self destructive behaviors are the ones they say I love
so its a bit more than funny that currently I'm terrified of the drugs


I'm in pain, I'm loosing a boxing match
throw in the towel, I see double in the mirror
One was bad enough, two is just too much
I scream and he wont leave me, I made the mirror crack

for a minute, a moment, please make the spinning stop
On the phone I said "I'll take the pills", she said "I'll call the cops"
I'm a horse on a carousel, swirling steel spike through my spine
when I come around the bend, I'm back at the beginning again
Last edited by blackmajik2021 at Nov 30, 2007,
#7
AMAZING ending on the revised. =]

All the changes you made are phenomenal, and In my eyes makes this piece very, very good. Congrats.
#9
I know its overkill with the revisions but i think this is what I'm gonna keep (from now on I'll let them sit a day before I post them) I changed a bunch of little things but im not highlighting this time. Im happy with the huge difference (now) between the first version and this version. this one is LOADS better.

I spent the whole day dreaming of dying again
all the possibilities ring inside my head
without them my life's a game, its just make believe
theres not much to it, being sick. yea I would hate to leave

but what is a bad habit if its not a light motif?
I'm singing, swinging, drinking, engulfed in disbelief
I've been working my way up, from the inside out
to purify the broken words that spill out of my mouth

I'm in pain, I'm loosing this boxing match
throw in the towel, I see double in the mirror
One was bad enough, two is just too much
I scream but he wont leave. smash. I'm always breaking glass

now I must pick up the broken remnants of my reflection
shattered and scattered on that worn out tile floor
for each one I remove theres a thousand more
and I'm bleeding now, I'm leaving now, falling out the door

for a minute, a moment, please make the spinning stop
On the phone I said "I'll take the pills", she said "I'll call the cops"
I'm a horse on a carousel, swirling steel spike through my spine
when I come around the bend, I'm back at the beginning again
Last edited by blackmajik2021 at Dec 1, 2007,
#10
Quote by blackmajik2021

----
I spent the whole day dreaming of dying again
all the possibilities ring inside my head
without them my life's a game, its just make believe
theres not much to it, being sick, I would hate to leave

I like the wording here, and I like the way you bring out that style of writers like you mentioned. It's a good start, so far. Though, I'm not sure what the sickness is referring to, yet.

but what is a bad habit if its not a light motif?
I'm singing, swinging, drinking, engulfed in disbelief
I've been working my way up, from the inside out
to purify the broken words that accidentally spill out of my mouth

The imagery here is great, and I like the flow, as well. Might be my favorite part, and I don't really have anything I'd change. The rhyming here is nice.

I'm in pain, I'm loosing this boxing match
throw in the towel, I see double in the mirror
One was bad enough, two is just too much
I scream but he wont leave. smash. I'm always breaking glass

It's picking up here, and I really like it.

now I must pick up the broken remnants of my reflection
shattered and scattered on that worn out tile floor
for each one I remove theres a thousand more
and I'm bleeding now, I'm leaving now, falling out the door

It seems like singing this part might be a little difficult with the way you worded parts of it, mainly the first line. Personally, I think simplicity of speech can actually help. A lot of things look great when written down, but when you give them sound it can be trickier. That said, I'm still really loving the imagery.

for a minute, a moment, please make the spinning stop
On the phone I said "I'll take the pills", she said "I'll call the cops"
I'm a horse on a carousel, swirling steel spike through my spine
when I come around the bend, I'm back at the beginning again


I think the way that you ended it was absolutely brilliant, and this has to be one of the better pieces I've read here on UG, honestly.
#11
wow. i loved that. i agree that was probably one of the better pieces on this site. however, i disagree about the ending. i don't really like it. the last line just seems to stick out to me for some reason, and not in a good way. i would just try rewording that. other than that, it was awesome. could you crit 25 cent rings? in my sig. thanks man.