#1
Hey this is my second attempt at a song hop this is slighlty better than the last um please leave comments on improvements and good things thanks :-) (BTW i know the first verseis the worst (or in my opinion anyway its to cliche))

Walking through the days I see
Everything happens way to fast
Stumbling into confusion
As my life drifts slowly past
I need to put the brakes on
Screech proceedings to a halt
I don’t know where I’m heading
And I know it is no ones fault

I need somebody’s help; I can’t make it through alone
What do you do when bricks fall down and your left with a broken home?

The pressures of days are building
I feel it more than most
Take a look into my life
Relive my past and meet my ghosts
It’s hard to let things go
But the weight is dragging me down
Further and further I go
Bury my head into the ground

I need somebody’s help; I can’t make it through alone
What do you do when bricks fall down and your left with a broken home?

Blame is often misplaced used how it shouldn’t be
Blame will get you no where its forgiveness that sets you free
Thoughts are like your time bombs ticking then explode
Thoughts will always be there but some you need to let go

I need somebody’s help; I can’t make it through alone
What do you do when bricks fall down and your left with a broken home?
#2
Quote by Name_Shifter
Hey this is my second attempt at a song hop this is slighlty better than the last um please leave comments on improvements and good things thanks :-) (BTW i know the first verseis the worst (or in my opinion anyway its to cliche))

Walking through the days I see
Everything happens way to fast
Stumbling into confusion
As my life drifts slowly past
I need to put the brakes on
Screech proceedings to a halt
I don’t know where I’m heading
And I know it is no ones fault

proceedings should be proceeds, and if you use proceeds screech should be screeching, which changes the line to "screeching proceeds to a sudden halt"
other than that line it's okay, nothing amazing, but bearable


I need somebody’s help; I can’t make it through alone
What do you do when bricks fall down and your left with a broken home?

The last line is too long try something like: "Bricks littered on the ground are all thats left of a broken home"

The pressures of days are building
I feel it more than most
Take a look into my life
Relive my past and meet my ghosts
It’s hard to let things go
But the weight is dragging me down
Further and further I go
Bury my head into the ground

The first line makes no sense at all, explain if you could. Honestly just redo this whole verse but keep the idea the same, it's just not worded very well.

I need somebody’s help; I can’t make it through alone
What do you do when bricks fall down and your left with a broken home?

Blame is often misplaced used how it shouldn’t be
Blame will get you no where its forgiveness that sets you free
Thoughts are like your time bombs ticking then explode
Thoughts will always be there but some you need to let go

2nd line "forgiveness that sets you free" change to "blame will get you no where but forgiveness sets you free" 3rd line change to "thoughts are time bombs, waiting to explode" 4th line change to "thoughts will always be there, just now when to let go"


I need somebody’s help; I can’t make it through alone
What do you do when bricks fall down and your left with a broken home?



Alright, an okay job for your 2nd piece. Not to bad. Some flow issues and it doesn't matter if it's cliched because sometimes that's what your feeling and thats fine. Don't know if all my changes are what you were looking for to set the tone of the piece, but that's what I would do. Keep trying and it will become easier
6.5/10

P.S. dont bother criting anything in return, don't have anything new worth criting
Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.
-Frank Zappa
#4
Walking through the days I see
Everything happens way to fast
Stumbling into confusion
As my life drifts slowly past
I need to put the brakes on
Screech proceedings to a halt
I don’t know where I’m heading
And I know it is no ones fault

not bad of a start. i like how you have that analogy like how your life's a car. and the crit on top already said it somethin about proceeding but i'll jsut say that is strange sounding lol

I need somebody’s help; I can’t make it through alone
What do you do when bricks fall down and your left with a broken home?

not bad.. good punctuation there with the semi colon. the lines seem a bit long but thats ok.

The pressures of days are building
I feel it more than most
Take a look into my life
Relive my past and meet my ghosts
It’s hard to let things go
But the weight is dragging me down
Further and further I go
Bury my head into the ground

you could put more feeling into this. i mean it's ok as it is but you could do so much more with this. just putting it out there for you to think about. the ghosts seem a bit cliche and the weights dragging you down. i mean i'm sure your bright enough, try to come up with something new?

I need somebody’s help; I can’t make it through alone
What do you do when bricks fall down and your left with a broken home?

repeat

Blame is often misplaced used how it shouldn’t be
Blame will get you no where its forgiveness that sets you free
Thoughts are like your time bombs ticking then explode
Thoughts will always be there but some you need to let go

first two lines VEry good, exept semi colon between where and its? the third line you could change ti too thoguhts are time bombs waiting to explode, or something like that make it a simile or metephore. the last line is fine but you could find a way to make it less wordy.

I need somebody’s help; I can’t make it through alone
What do you do when bricks fall down and your left with a broken home?

repeat

over all this isnt too bad i mean it could use some work. sorry to be so harsh kinda, i dont think i was that harsh int his one, but i mean not bad for your second piece

wanna crit one of mine? in my sig
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#5
I liked it for the most part although it kinda sounds like a Breaking Benjamin thing going on i like it keep up the good work