#1
C4C


Hobson's Choice

She was an upcoming artist of a stereotyped genre
Her skill was deviant and her studio was enigmatic.
She was very conscious about her presence
For being someone who was alone in her Disney land.
On her front gate, there was a caution sign that said:
“Heart is Hobson’s choice for my love”, which only
few people understand now along with me.
In her childhood, she had once discovered a place,
which she believed was the other side of horizon.
It was beautiful in its own peculiar way.
She tried to explain to everyone in her family.
What she had witnessed and how beautiful was it.
Everyone took her puerile talk for granted.
She grew up with a desire to recreate that scenery.
Her only problem was that there was no market
in town where she could buy a human heart,
a large tank of acid and bunch of dead dummies.
But thanks to her good looks.
She knew how to get a human heart with a dummy.
She ran into me one day.
And without informing me, she selected mine.
After three dates and one killer night.
We were over. And I left her for forever.
If only, I could witness what she had witnessed
and see for myself whether my heart suited
in her scene or not and tell everyone that how
serious she is by
“Heart is Hobson’s choice for my love”.
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at Nov 30, 2007,
#3
^^Unescesary post.^^
Quote by abhishek21



She was an upcoming artist of a stereotyped genre
I didnt like this as an opening, it felt too long, and a little dull.
Her skill was deviant and her studio was enigmatic.
She was very conscious about her presence
I'm not sure about the style, it feels like prose cut with meteric line breaks.
For being someone who was alone in her Disney land.
On her front gate, there was a caution sign that said:
“Heart is Hobson’s choice for my love”, which only
few people understand now along with me.
Nice image, but you tell us too much. The last line could be better said, and I would revise phrases like "caution sign". Also, I'm not sure what the purpose is of the literary allusion.
In her childhood, she had once discovered a place,
which she believed was the other side of horizon.
It was beautiful in its own peculiar way.
She tried to explain to everyone in her family.
What she had witnessed and how beautiful was it.
That last line is ruined by its ending, "was it" is completely innescesary.
Everyone took her puerile talk for granted.
She grew up with a desire to recreate that scenery.
I like this image, your choice of words is good.
Her only problem was that there was no market
in town where she could buy a human heart,
a large tank of acid and bunch of dead dummies.
But thanks to her good looks.
She knew how to get a human heart with a dummy.
She ran into me one day.
Brilliant line, juxtapositioning it with "a human heart with a dummy" implies you.
And without informing me, she selected mine.
After three dates and one killer night.
We were over. And I left her for forever.
If only, I could witness what she had witnessed
and see for myself whether my heart suited
in her scene or not and tell everyone that how
serious she is by
“Heart is Hobson’s choice for my love”.
I'm not sure about this...It was a great narrative, you have an excellent concept, but some of the word choices and stylistic ideas are a bit dull. Not wanting to be harsh, because it was good, it just didnt capture my imagination in a way I assume you would want. I think your lines are a little long, they feel awkward to read, like prose, and, well...I just found it a little dull, no beautiful or poignant imagery, no extended aphorism, just a story told with line breaks.


Peace
Dave
#4
Thanx for your time . I know some of lines are big and dull but I believe they add to it atleast I think so. You were not harsh at all . You are somewhat right by "It's a story with a line break". i believe every piece here is trying to tell a story.Is there anything you want me too look at?

and jackthehobson . Hobson's choice means a choice without an alternative
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at Nov 30, 2007,