#1
i was reading this myspace band page that has alot of people i know in it. its a cirstian band that does worship and **** like and they had their stories on there aswell and i knwo for one that what they've written is bull****. i'm already pissed off at relgion so i had a go at writing a song about it. (sorry you are offended)
--------------
Lies
--------------
I won't submit
to your foolish beliefs
that are built on the
foundations of ignorance

The only gift this god has
given you is a blindfold
to protect you from the real world

Everything you believe in is a ****ing lie
you place your beliefs in a book of fiction
your loyalty to the grand deluder
will only ever be rewarded with
LIES!

How could you be
decieved so easily
by this false icon
release yourelf
from this voluntary slavery

Everything you believe in is a ****ing lie
you place your beliefs in a book of fiction
your loyalty to the grand deluder
will only ever be rewarded with
LIES!

Your life is tainted
with words of hypicrisy
do not try to
bursh your religion on me
for i am shielded from
the blackened words of deceit

Everything you believe in is a ****ing lie
you place your beliefs in a book of fiction
your loyalty to the grand deluder
will only ever be rewarded with
LIES!
#2
Quote by Dead_edd
i was reading this myspace band page that has alot of people i know in it. its a cirstian band that does worship and **** like and they had their stories on there aswell and i knwo for one that what they've written is bull****. i'm already pissed off at relgion so i had a go at writing a song about it. (sorry you are offended)
--------------
Lies
--------------
I won't submit
to your foolish beliefs
that are built on the
foundations of ignorance

This is okay, it flows enough, a little flawed rhyming, but it's workable.

The only gift this god has
given you is a blindfold
to protect you from the real world

Everything you believe in is a ****ing lie
you place your beliefs in a book of fiction
your loyalty to the grand deluder
will only ever be rewarded with
LIES!

I do agree with some aspects of this, but it is very harsh to say the Bible is ficticious. It does not offend me, but be prepared to take some flak.

How could you be
decieved so easily
by this false icon
release yourelf
from this voluntary slavery

Calling God false will also have repercussions, but I understand your mood. It works, man.

Everything you believe in is a ****ing lie
you place your beliefs in a book of fiction
your loyalty to the grand deluder
will only ever be rewarded with
LIES!

Your life is tainted
with words of hypicrisy
do not try to
bursh your religion on me
for i am shielded from
the blackened words of deceit

Funny story and I completely agree with this; this one division of the Catholic Church...hmmm, what were they? Evangelists, that's it. I had two lesbian neoughbours living next door who constantly attempted to push their religion on my family; sending us Bibles and good will writings in the mail. Anyways, back to the stanza; pretty good, man.

Everything you believe in is a ****ing lie
you place your beliefs in a book of fiction
your loyalty to the grand deluder
will only ever be rewarded with
LIES!


Overall, it's very sacreligious, the kind of song a death metal or whatever type of band would sing. I could see LoG singing something like this, possibly. Anyways, good job man. Crit "At MInd's End" in my sig, for me if you have time. Peace.

Mark
#3
Quote by Dead_edd

Lies
--------------
I won't submit
to your foolish beliefs
that are built on the
foundations of ignorance
I liked this opening, the last line had a poetic flair to it, but phrases like "foolish beleifs" are to my mind terrible cliche's. Things like that are said so often that now they mean nothing, and there must be amore interesting way to phrase this.

The only gift this god has
given you is a blindfold
to protect you from the real world
Again mentioning things like God is a bit cliche. I'm just getting the feeling that I've heard it all before. With this sort of thing, I think you need a more allegorical stance. Be a bit more subtle, perhaps.

Everything you believe in is a ****ing lie
you place your beliefs in a book of fiction
your loyalty to the grand deluder
will only ever be rewarded with
LIES!
I didnt like this, it just sounded like you spouting your frustrations illiterately. I think another problem I have with this is that you are (whether you know it or not) admitting the existence of God. Phrases like "the only gift god has given you..." or "the grand deluder" accept his being there, which doesnt make sense when you say "everything you believe is a ****ing lie".

How could you be
decieved so easily
by this false icon
release yourelf
from this voluntary slavery
I liked the last two lines, but this is getting predictable. I feel like youre repeating yourself, saying the same things in new ways. For something like this to work you need to draw on real life experience or literary allusion or imagery or something. As it is, youre just going on with yourself in a way that so many before you have.

Everything you believe in is a ****ing lie
you place your beliefs in a book of fiction
your loyalty to the grand deluder
will only ever be rewarded with
LIES!

Your life is tainted
with words of hypicrisy
do not try to
bursh your religion on me
for i am shielded from
the blackened words of deceit
Some of the lines here feel forced, "blackened words of deceit" particularly, and once again you are repeating yourself. I think it would be really interesting if you got a bible and made some allusions to stories in that, you could do psalms or something, and point out the flaw in each one. It could be really interesting, but right now it isnt, its dull...I understand your point, but its articualted in a way that I have just heard too many times.

Everything you believe in is a ****ing lie
you place your beliefs in a book of fiction
your loyalty to the grand deluder
will only ever be rewarded with
LIES!


Okay, this isnt bad, you have a nice way with words when you let it flow out naturally, but you cant just write about these things, because its all be done before. You need to take a more metaphorical or subtextual stance. If you can, invent some grand allegory for religion, and ytalk about it in terms of imagery, rather than just saying "You havent got a clue, its all a lie" in as many different ways as you can. Its likely they feel the same way as you do, and think you are the stupid one (Although I do agree with you, organised religion is evil)
Another think, you are less likely to offend people with an allegory, and what makes it even more interesting is the Bilble is basically one big allegory, so its really quite ironic. Read the lyrics to Stairway To Hevan. Yea, I know, its a rock and roll cliche, but its also steeped in allusion and metaphor and ambiguity. Eerything has a double meaning, everyhthing is written in such a way that it seems like nonsensical imagery but has a really deep meaning. If you ask me, thats what a peice like this needs.

Peace
Dave
#4
Not bad writing, but it seems to follow a kind of "shock jock" formula. Taking a dump on religion is about as original as Howard Stern getting porn stars to take their tops off - Been done a million times. Overall, the writing lacks deeper insight. It smacks a little more like trying to get even with an overly judgemental bible thumping grandmother. Just my .02 of a $.
#5
I'm not sure I like this.

I admire your passion, but...i've heard this all before.
~:.*.:~She Is Your Suffering~:.*.:~

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