#1


so i wonder if this neon "no" is permanent.
if this neon glow is permanent.
i think romance is copyrighted anyway.

and something scrapes against my soul,
like teeth against a popsicle.
like teeth against a popsicle.

she offered a key, i asked her which one.
the sky is just cloth to cut merchandise from.
the clouds are just bed sheets to tuck in the sun.
Last edited by Arthur Curry at Dec 3, 2007,
#2
I like it. Especially the last stanza, those metaphors are pretty deck.

But I don't really get the "Disney is going to sue me anyway" in this context. I don't think it flows very well, nah mean. But that's juss' mah humble subjective.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#3
so i wonder if this neon "no" is permanant.
if this neon glow is permanent.
i think romance is copyrighted anyway.
i think disney is going to sue me anyway.
I like the opening line here, but I feel the repetition doesn't add anything. The third lines nice, but the last isn't anything special.

something scrapes against my soul,
like teeth against a popsicle.
like teeth against a popsicle.
I like where you're going with this, but this simile just doesn't seem that appealing.

she offered a key, i asked her which one.
the sky is just cloth to cut merchandise from.
the clouds are just bed sheets to tuck in the sun.
I really like this. Beautiful work here.

Overall, nice job. You have some really ripe ideas.
i look down at my hands,
like they were mirrors.
#5
The edit is nice.

Now click the "salivating" in mah sigz and tell me what to tweak, please.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
Last edited by K-Lizzle at Dec 4, 2007,