#1
Thought I'd share. Feel free to let me know what ya think. I have the music recorded, but haven't laid down a vocal yet - not my forte.

I wrote this after making a few observations of the nightlife (specifically, the ladies) in the local cover band bar scene (mostly 30 to 40 year olds). Sometimes it seemed both pathetic and occasionally sad seeing all of it play out as they played their games.


Verse 1 (6/8 time)
You're quite an institution of clever conversation,

A school of thought that spawned from a vacuous soul.

A vision of your future darts between your empty phrases,

Attention ***** years have taken their toll.


Verse 2 (6/8 time)
Searching for your dreams in a room full of nightmares,

Seeking validation that your youth's not slipped away.

Stealing drinks and sloppy smiles, wasted on those strange eyes,

Craving shallow pleasure that might just last a day.


Pre Chorus (4/4 time)
One more exercise in broken promises

From Jagermeister poets with **** between their eyes.

Seek that truth, it's all how you believe it,

Until you find a room with no more lies...


Chorus (4/4 time)
Sing away, how the world has done you wrong.

Cry today, 'cause nobody loves or nobody cares for you.

Wear that pain, it's easier to share.

Miles away, from having a soul to fill in that hole, straight through you.


Enjoy!
#3
i do like the verses.

the pre chorus not as much, though.
the flow is just a little awkward.

also, why is the first chorus the last one?
and why does it end there?


i suggest a few more verses.
#4
Quote by Browns Town
Not bad, where's the pauses though?


There's an intro riff that is repeated between v1 and v2, with one 4 beat measure as a pause before v2 starts.

After V2, it goes into the pre chorus, followed by the chorus. After that it goes into a breakdown for 8 measures with a bass riff that somewhat follows the verse riff. This builds into a solo for 8 measures played over a guitar riff that somewhat follows the intro riff.

The solo kinda fades out at the end for 2 measures with a little ringing dissonance & stuff.

Then it all resolves with a 2x chorus repeat. Overall length is just shy of 3 1/2 minutes.

I have a couple of tweaks on the recording, then I'll post a link to the song minus vocals. I think the lyrics fit much better within the context of the song.

Thanks for the critique!
#5
Quote by apod44
i do like the verses.

the pre chorus not as much, though.
the flow is just a little awkward.

also, why is the first chorus the last one?
and why does it end there?


i suggest a few more verses.


Not a fan of the prechorus? The first half was my favorite, and received the best feedback. The second half was the part I tangled with several times, and what you see is what I settled on. I was trying to impart an idea that during human interactions, sometimes truth can become relative to perception. Thanks, maybe I'll take another look.

The chorus is repeated 2x after the guitar solo/breakdown. My response above details the song structure a little better.

Why does it end there? hmm... I guess the well ran dry. I thought I might be better off ending it a little on the short side than including another verse that might fall short.

Thanks for the critique!

Apod, what part of the "mitten" do you hail from? I spent the first half of my life in MI.
#7
Quote by cheapr2keepr
Here's the link to the instrumental portion. Cheers!

http://profile.ultimate-guitar.com/cheapr2keepr/music/all/play144460



I was going to rip these lyrics apart till I heard this. They fit so well with the music, I could actually sing along I'll full crit your lyrics if you want though, I'm bored anyway.
Just let me know.

Check mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=726380
#8
I was going to rip these lyrics apart till I heard this. They fit so well with the music, I could actually sing along I'll full crit your lyrics if you want though, I'm bored anyway.
Just let me know.


Will I dodge crushing embarassment?

I gave a crit from your link.

This is my 3rd full song. IMO, it was a big step up from the last 2, which had their merits but had to be filed away under "learning experience".

Thank you for taking the time to partake in my art!
#9
Quote by cheapr2keepr

You're quite an institution of clever conversation,
i quite liked this line. it's a nice start, made me want to read on.. it made me wonder what you were going to say about it, why this was important..
A school of thought that spawned from a vacuous soul.
i did not like 'vacuous'. i did like how you referred to the conversation thing, with the 'school of thought'.
A vision of your future darts between your empty phrases,
'empty phrases' is a bit overused. i still like how you continue the idea you used in the first line; i didnt really know what to think of 'a vision of your future'; it sounded a bit weird. i did fit in the whole context, but i think i would've worded it in another way
Attention ***** years have taken their toll.
didn't like this. it felt unconnected, and the swearing was totally unneccessary IMO.


Searching for your dreams in a room full of nightmares,
nice metaphor but o so cliché
Seeking validation that your youth's not slipped away.
i didnt like 'seeking validation', it just didn't fit IMO
Stealing drinks and sloppy smiles, wasted on those strange eyes,
Craving shallow pleasure that might just last a day.
liked these two lines

One more exercise in broken promises
i didn't like this at all. broken promises is so cliché and overused.
From Jagermeister poets with **** between their eyes.
didn't like the swearing, but i thought 'jagermeister poets' was pretty clever; nice job
Seek that truth, it's all how you believe it,
Until you find a room with no more lies...
these lines felt unconnected to the rest of the stanza; they also were a bit cliché; i think you could definitely find a different way to put this


Sing away, how the world has done you wrong.
Cry today, 'cause nobody loves or nobody cares for you.
Wear that pain, it's easier to share.
i liked the start of each line, but the second parts sounded a bit too angsty to me
Miles away, from having a soul to fill in that hole, straight through you.
i really didn't like this one. excuse me here, but it's sooo boring. it feels like i've heard this a thousand times before. i like the idea, don't get me wrong, and i've heard the music so i know it fits and all but as far as poetic quality goes.. meh



I've been harsh, but I guess that's better than just 'omg i luv dis'. I've critted without having the music in mind, I really focused on the words as if it was a poem. I didn't like all of it, but like I said before, it works very well with the music so you might have yourself a good song.
#10
Quote by cheapr2keepr
Not a fan of the prechorus? The first half was my favorite, and received the best feedback. The second half was the part I tangled with several times, and what you see is what I settled on. I was trying to impart an idea that during human interactions, sometimes truth can become relative to perception. Thanks, maybe I'll take another look.

The chorus is repeated 2x after the guitar solo/breakdown. My response above details the song structure a little better.

Why does it end there? hmm... I guess the well ran dry. I thought I might be better off ending it a little on the short side than including another verse that might fall short.

Thanks for the critique!

Apod, what part of the "mitten" do you hail from? I spent the first half of my life in MI.


oh ok, gotcha.

ill have to listen to the instrumental from that link you left.
ill probably understand alot better. it probably sounds better with music than trying to just read it to a 6/8 beat. lol


and I've lived all over michigan.
born in detroit.
then chronologically moved in this pattern:
eastpointe
fraser(small town north of roseville)
calumet(way way up in the keweenaw peninsula)
back to eastpointe,
and now ive been back in fraser for about 6 years.
#11
Quote by phantom1
I've been harsh, but I guess that's better than just 'omg i luv dis'. I've critted without having the music in mind, I really focused on the words as if it was a poem. I didn't like all of it, but like I said before, it works very well with the music so you might have yourself a good song.


The swearing you mentioned in the first verse was "attention wh@re". The software automatically obliterized it.

Thank you for the input. Harsh critique is the only way to up my game. Art and creative talent come naturally for some people. Others have to work hard to achieve mediocrity. Most of the time, I fall into the latter.

You'd hate my other song I'm working on . It's thoroughly cliche in every sense, but I think it'd be a fun song to do live, especially in the previously mentioned cover band venues. And would you believe I'm a Poison fan?

Thx!
#12
Quote by apod44
oh ok, gotcha.

ill have to listen to the instrumental from that link you left.
ill probably understand alot better. it probably sounds better with music than trying to just read it to a 6/8 beat. lol


and I've lived all over michigan.
born in detroit.
then chronologically moved in this pattern:
eastpointe
fraser(small town north of roseville)
calumet(way way up in the keweenaw peninsula)
back to eastpointe,
and now ive been back in fraser for about 6 years.


I spent my first 20 years around Lansing, most in Eaton Rapids. I spent a couple of years at Ferris State in Big Rapids, 8 years after that on paid government travel, then a tiny bit in Coldwater before moving to my current location in Arizona. Good to meet ya!
#13
Quote by cheapr2keepr
Thought I'd share. Feel free to let me know what ya think. I have the music recorded, but haven't laid down a vocal yet - not my forte.

I wrote this after making a few observations of the nightlife (specifically, the ladies) in the local cover band bar scene (mostly 30 to 40 year olds). Sometimes it seemed both pathetic and occasionally sad seeing all of it play out as they played their games.


Verse 1 (6/8 time)
You're quite an institution of clever conversation,
This couldn't come out any better.
A school of thought that spawned from a vacuous soul.
This line seems awkward to me, but it works in the context of the music.A vision of your future darts between your empty phrases,

Attention ***** years have taken their toll.
These last 2 lines are alright on their own, but they don't fit very well together.Verse 2 (6/8 time)
Searching for your dreams in a room full of nightmares,
An effective, but still overused, cliché.Seeking validation that your youth's not slipped away.
Good line!Stealing drinks and sloppy smiles, wasted on those strange eyes,
Your meaning is clear, but this comes out all muddy...if that makes sense?Craving shallow pleasure that might just last a day.
Very good, and so telling.
Pre Chorus (4/4 time)
One more exercise in broken promises

From Jagermeister poets with **** between their eyes.

Seek that truth, it's all how you believe it,

Until you find a room with no more lies...
Other than the "broken promises" cliché, this is good, especially along with the music.
Chorus (4/4 time)
Sing away, how the world has done you wrong.

Cry today, 'cause nobody loves or nobody cares for you.

Wear that pain, it's easier to share.

Miles away, from having a soul to fill in that hole, straight through you.
Crying and loving and caring is overdone...but it's effective here...still overdone, but effective.
Enjoy!


Overall, "omg i luv dis". haha, j/k, but seriously, pretty good
Last edited by Shado\/\/dance at Dec 4, 2007,