#1
Hardcore song?
Thick red lips, plastered with poison.

Your silky blue dress is a deadly weapon.

Your eyes glance over me, a rush of excitement.

The mounting tension has me nervous.

What can I say?

What can I do?

What do you do when it all falls through?

There's nothing I can do except to wait.

The edge of your knife, it will penetrate.

You find beauty in the most morbid place,

If it weren't for your beauty, you'd be an empty space.

Beauty is for the hollow, and in this hollow world there is no beauty.

The edge of the knife against my skin.

The cool metal is drawing me in, the force that you push against me with.

I gasp with pain as the knife sinks in!

What can I say?

What can I do?

What do you do when it all falls through?

There's nothing I can do except to wait.

The edge of your knife, it will penetrate.

You find beauty in the most morbid place,

If it weren't for your beauty, you'd be an empty space.

Now the grin is spreading across your face,

All of your guilt has been erased.

What am I to do as I lay bleeding?

There is nothing to do except to die.

You have killed me.

----

Comments please? Also, how could I improve?
#2
How could you improve? Well, sort out your structure. Whats with the single line thing? It takes a lot away, and reeealy confuses me as to things like rhyme structure. Other than that, I suppose its alright, but the whole concept is a bit of a cliche, especially since its a Hardcore song...Just feels like something thats been done many, many times before, and doesnt need to be done again.
To be honest, though, the main problem I had with it was the inexplicable structure, which rendered it near unreadable for me, but if you fix that up...I suppose it a pretty solid peice, just not terribly original.

Peace
Dave
#3
Thanks for that
I suppose it could be the fact that I don't listen to too much hardcore but I haven't heard a lot of songs about a man being slaughtered by his 'love', lol. But yeah, thank you for the critique, I'll repost the song here with a bit more of a structure:

Thick red lips, plastered with poison.
Your silky blue dress is a deadly weapon.
Your eyes glance over me, a rush of excitement.
The mounting tension has me nervous.

What can I say?
What can I do?
What do you do when it all falls through?

There's nothing I can do except to wait.
The edge of your knife, it will penetrate.

You find beauty in the most morbid place,
If it weren't for your beauty, you'd be an empty space.
Beauty is for the hollow, and in this hollow world there is no beauty.

The edge of the knife against my skin.
The cool metal is drawing me in, the force that you push against me with.
I gasp with pain as the knife sinks in!

What can I say?
What can I do?
What do you do when it all falls through?

There's nothing I can do except to wait.
The edge of your knife, it will penetrate.

You find beauty in the most morbid place,
If it weren't for your beauty, you'd be an empty space.

Now the grin is spreading across your face,
All of your guilt has been erased.
What am I to do as I lay bleeding?
There is nothing to do except to die.

You have killed me.


Still doesn't resemble a structured song yet, but the lines:
"
What can I say?
What can I do?
What do you do when it all falls through?"

Are supposed to be the begginings of a chorus.
Any more input would be greatly appreciated.
Quote by sheumack111
I allways found that having sex while listening to Tool/Planet X/Dream Theater was hard because every time you tryed o keep the beat they would change time sig, then you would get pissed off and then loose your mojo for the nite.....

I fucking Lol'd
#4
Quote by rusty-knives
Hardcore song? I suppose, I personally don't aim my writings to be a specific genre...


Thick red lips, plastered with poison.

Your silky blue dress is a deadly weapon.

Your eyes glance over me, a rush of excitement.

The mounting tension has me nervous.
These first four lines are good, though a bit cliche, I like them for the most part. They do a good job setting a "mood"

What can I say?

What can I do?

What do you do when it all falls through?
I hate these lines...sorry, I just don't really think it fits.

There's nothing I can do except to wait.

The edge of your knife, it will penetrate.

You find beauty in the most morbid place,

If it weren't for your beauty, you'd be an empty space.

Beauty is for the hollow, and in this hollow world there is no beauty.

The edge of the knife against my skin.

The cool metal is drawing me in, the force that you push against me with.

I gasp with pain as the knife sinks in!
The imagery is good here, but again it's got a more cliche feeling. You can't really change that, since I feel the whole song has a "cliche" feeling to it.

What can I say?

What can I do?

What do you do when it all falls through?

There's nothing I can do except to wait.

The edge of your knife, it will penetrate.

You find beauty in the most morbid place,

If it weren't for your beauty, you'd be an empty space.

Now the grin is spreading across your face,

All of your guilt has been erased.

What am I to do as I lay bleeding?

There is nothing to do except to die.

You have killed me.
I don't know what to suggest, but I don't like the ending to much
----

Comments please? Also, how could I improve?



All in all good work, fits what you wanted pretty well. Sorry if I seem a little mean, I just want to push you to do good .
#5
Thank you so much! I really appreciate every bit of critique I get
Quote by sheumack111
I allways found that having sex while listening to Tool/Planet X/Dream Theater was hard because every time you tryed o keep the beat they would change time sig, then you would get pissed off and then loose your mojo for the nite.....

I fucking Lol'd