#1
theres your title
meant for blues i would say
Take me back


verse:
if you could take me back
to that one special time
there would always
be a place for you
in this lonely heart of mine
and dont get me wrong
i know you aint got
no time machine
but oh what i would give
to feel it again
well i think you know what i mean


chorus:
oh, take me back
take me back
be my saving grace
oh, take me back
take me back
to that special place
cant you see
im in the need
of a little company
ohhh, take me back


verse:
so look into my eyes
and tell me what you see
cuz i see nothin but
blank stares of misery
well i dont know
i guess im just run down
maybe a little jaded
but i guess i just play guitar
and put on a smile
or at least try to fake it
so just let me be, please
i think its just what i need


----CHORUS-----

bridge:
there was a time
i thought i could see
but now i realize
i was blind as could be
no one was there
no one to listen
so i kept it all inside
and now it comes 'a' spittin


______awesome guitar solo________

----CHORUS----

and maybe another CHORUS
depending on how long the song would be
#2
i know you aint got
no time machine
but oh what i would give
to feel it again
well i think you know what i mean

but i guess i just play guitar
and put on a smile
or at least try to fake it

I think this totally sucks but the rest is good, but if I take a look at the lyrics then I would suggest that you play it on piano, or arpeggio chords on guitar (that you pick the strings seperate and let them ring, i don`t knowwhats the name for it). Nice drums and a relaxed bassline and you have a song. But i wouldn`t make a blues song of it.
#3
tell me whats totally sucky about it....? and what lyrics could you possibly think of putting in place of those? and im also wondering, how experienced of a musician are you? with guitar? or piano? and what do you know about how blues sounds?
#4
Whoa, dont be so defensive. He offered his opinion.
I know what you are trying to do, the old twelve bar, semi-serious love song, and I dont think people will se it in that context if they can only read it and not hear it. Also, consider that blues lyrics are not, lets be honest, that great. Perhaps you should start discarding convention instead of conforming to them. Push the boundaries a little, write some blues with good lyrics!

Peace
Dave
#5
example? cuz your right, blues lyrics arent always great when written down (or sung, depending) cuz alot of what makes a good song, in my opinion, is the way the lyrics are sung and the music surrounding them, not neccesarily how complex or simple the lyrics are
#6
Well I suppose what I didnt like was the fcat that you descended often into cliche, which is another common aspect of blues music, not because its bad, you understand, but because its writers dont feel particularly bothered about lyrics. They have to be there, thats often the extent of it.
But the thing is, this is a lyrics forum, and people here are used to complex, impressive and well written peices, so poeting it here probably wont help you overmuch. If its a proper blues song then the point will be to enjoy it without being too bothered about the deep meaning of the lyrics, that why few blues artists write really deep lyrics...but this begs the question, if you inteded this to be that kind of peice, why post it here?
#7
I agree with cacophonaut on this. I don't see why having having simple lyrics is a must for blues music. I know that its typical, but you have to recognize most of the people in here are writing lyrics that are probably too deep, so writing normal blues lyrics are going to get alot of criticism on here. I think that's a good opportunity though, because the advice from artists that may write in an overly complex style can help you build what may be normal blues lyrics into something really cool. So don't get so defensive, just take what you hear with a grain of salt and see if it can help you.

if you could take me back
to that one special time
there would always
be a place for you
in this lonely heart of mine
and dont get me wrong
i know you aint got
no time machine
but oh what i would give
to feel it again
well i think you know what i mean

I think this has a solid flow to it, and would sound pretty good over a 12 Bar Chrod Change. I do agree with the others in that I think you should see if you can fit a bit of symbolism or metaphor in there. Poetic blues writing styles are impressive, and frankly they are often the only way your listeners can recognize your song as something more than just any other blues song. Just something I noticed with my own songs.

oh, take me back
take me back
be my saving grace
oh, take me back
take me back
to that special place
cant you see
im in the need
of a little company
ohhh, take me back

Pretty nice chorus, although it doesn't seem like a really bluesy bit of the song. I like it overall, but I think this would be better if you could bring listener to a specific mental image. Just a suggestion.

so look into my eyes
and tell me what you see
cuz i see nothin but
blank stares of misery
well i dont know
i guess im just run down
maybe a little jaded
but i guess i just play guitar
and put on a smile
or at least try to fake it
so just let me be, please
i think its just what i need

There are a few parts here that are borderline cliche, but the rest is good. I like the word usage of this berse more than the others, so good job on that.



bridge:
there was a time
i thought i could see
but now i realize
i was blind as could be
no one was there
no one to listen
so i kept it all inside
and now it comes 'a' spittin

The end seems a little strange to me, and for the rest of this, I'd reccomend all that I would for all the other parts. It seems to be a pretty average blues song, and there's nothing wrong with that, but I feel with some additions, it could be a good deal better. I guess for an example I would reccomend something like Hank Williams' Long Gone Lonesome Blues. Nothing too crazy, but some specific references like that could make a song like this a good deal better. I hope this helped.

If you'd like to crit something of mine, I'd appreciate a look at my piece "Walk Out"