#1
I will take any title suggestions


The Irish Spring is trying to tell me something
there's writing of unknown language on its side
the bastard child of letters and numbers
It seems so alien
I'm afraid to open the box
I don't want to be the cause
for the world's enslavement

Out of the bathroom
back in the rec room
things aren't less strange.

The televison is always running movies
they're all starting to run together
Swayze says "Nobody puts baby in the corner"
Except the Blair Witch
She put them all in the corner
Why do I know this ****?
How could it be relevant?

Out of the rec room
back in the bathroom
things are getting strange

The crack in the toilet seat is spreading
I don't want to be the one to get knicked
why does it have to be made of wood?
Everything here is wood.
Wait, why is it not splintering?
It looks shattered like glass
what is in that soap box?

Out of the bathroom
into the rec room
why are things so strange

All the walls here are wood as well
except for the beam near the door
it's covered in ugly tiger-esque carpet
Why is it only there?
What needs to be protected?
It never bothered me before
why do I need to know now?!

Out of the rec room
into the bathroom
Now I'm getting scared

The sink is covered in black stains
Stains not created by me.
I don't even know what they're from.
The soap must be used
Fear I not the forbidden box
The package is destroyed
and all that lays inside is a note

"Out of the bathroom
and into the rec room
THIS is your life"
Quote by richwatkinson
haha You pwned an entire website....i bow down...

TheDudeBox
Last edited by Brandon860 at Dec 4, 2007,
#2
Well now. This is the first legit poem I've read about a... bathroom.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#4
....I never thought of it, but yes, I supposed it does cage the brown

No, I was referring to how all the walls were wood and you're trapped or...look I was pretty out of it when I wrote this

See, this is why I asked for better title suggestions at the top.
Quote by richwatkinson
haha You pwned an entire website....i bow down...

TheDudeBox
Last edited by Brandon860 at Dec 4, 2007,
#6
It goes in the consideration pile, anything seems better than what is apparently a fecal reference
Quote by richwatkinson
haha You pwned an entire website....i bow down...

TheDudeBox
#7
Quote by Brandon860
I will take any title suggestions


The Irish Spring is trying to tell me something
there's writing of unknown language on its side I think you can wrap this up better maybe.. make it more poetic... use stronger words.It seems so alien

I'm afraid to open the box
I don't want to be the cause
for the world's enslavement

This section confused me a bit, but its because i don't understand the reference being made...

Out of the bathroom
back in the rec room
things aren't less strange.

I like the double negative.

The televison is always running movies
they're all starting to run together
Swayze says "Nobody puts baby in the corner"
Except the Blair Witch
She put them all in the corner
Why do I know this ****?
How could it be relevant?

This sounds more like a thought or a statement.... something you might read in a novel... it does have a very mild poetic feel to it, however it drifts of into more of a stylistic thought process rather than poetry.

Out of the rec room
back in the bathroom
things are getting strange

The crack in the toilet seat is spreading
I don't want to be the one to get knicked
why does it have to be made of wood?
Everything here is wood.
Wait, why is it not splintering?
It looks shattered like glass
what is in that soap box?

This feels paranoid. if that was the emotion you were portraying, good job

Out of the bathroom
into the rec room
why are things so strange

All the walls here are wood as well
except for the beam near the door
it's covered in ugly tiger-esque carpet
Why is it only there?
What needs to be protected?
It never bothered me before
why do I need to know now?!

I dont like the first sentence... again its not very poetic... but i like the growing level of paranoia and frustrtation that builds up in the poem.. It makes me think that the person who is narrating is thinking too much... maybe very bored or tired.. or both :P

Out of the rec room
into the bathroom
Now I'm getting scared

The sink is covered in black stains
Stains not created by me.
I don't even know what they're from.
The soap must be used
Fear I not the forbidden box
The package is destroyed
and all that lays inside is a note


"Out of the bathroom
and into the rec room
THIS is your life"

I liked the use of repetition with this section, it worked for me



not you're best, but very entertaining nonetheless lol good job
#8
By the way, would this be a song, or just a poem? I can see some good song potential in here...
#9
If you hear a tune in it I challenge you to compose it sir!
Quote by richwatkinson
haha You pwned an entire website....i bow down...

TheDudeBox
#10
hey man, i really like the whole repeated chorus with subtle changes, and especially the ending. The second verse is also really good, its clear and understandable and i think it really conveys a strong feeling of confusion or something like that.