Pete Murray#1
Registered User
Join date: Oct 2006
20 IQ
#1
At the end of the year I'm leaving my town to go and study in Brisbane which means I have to leave my girlfriend (who's a year younger than me and still at school) behind. Since she wants to go to a uni in melbourne (like 1000km away) come the end of the year realistically we won't be able to stay together... so I tried to put what i was feeling onto paper, I wrote this in about half an hour and so obviously there's still plenty of work needed. It's fairly straightforward, I've never been able to write deep or particularly clever pieces but I thought this conveyed my thoughts fairly well.

Constructive critiscm is much appreciated and crit 4 crit obviously.


Kimberley (If I was)

If I was a poet
I would write you such a verse
To bring pain and love and laughter
To everyone on Earth

If I were a magician
I would delight your eyes
With magic tricks, illusions
And other fancy lies

(Pre-Chorus)
But that’s not who I am
They’re not things I can do
But still maybe I could tell you how
I feel when I’m with you

(Chorus)
You run through me like water
You drip through me like rain
And I would never want you
To ever change
Cos I think you’re perfect
Ev-ery day
Kimberley you’re perfect
In every way

If I was a painter
On the canvas I would try
To somehow match the beauty
That lies behind your smile

And If I was a sculptor
I would carve you in the ice
But no statue or display piece
Could ever match you in real life

(Pre-Chorus)
But they are not my talents
They’re not things I can do
But still maybe I can tell you how
I feel when I’m with you

(Chorus)
You run through me like water
You drip through me like rain
And I would never want you
To ever change
Cos I think you’re perfect
Ev-ery day
Kimberley you’re perfect
In every way

(Bridge)
When tomorrow comes
You’ll still be at school
And I’ll be far away wishing
That I could be with you
I’m not going to kid myself
There has to be goodbye
But I’m just glad that for a time
I had you in my life

(Pre-Chorus)
You know there’ll always be
Things I cannot do
But I’m just glad I told you how
I feel when I’m with you

(Chorus)
You run through me like water
You drip through me like rain
And I would never want you
To ever change
Cos I think you’re perfect
Ev-ery day
Kimberley you’re perfect
In every way

Kimberley you’re perfect
In every way

Kimberley you’re perfect…


In every way
Winners are those who refuse to be beaten

Imagination on a Screen

Please crit my latest work! Crit for crit of course.

Or hear my demo recordings at Myspace
Last edited by Pete Murray#1 at Dec 4, 2007,
kylesegarra
Registered User
Join date: Sep 2006
10 IQ
#3
I am liking the visual you are giving through the lyrics. It makes me laugh when people say that lyrics are to cliche'. The people that say this dont realize that 99% of the songs that are hits have extremely lame lyrics. But the lyrics you use are quite different. I really dig them..haha
apod44
Banned
Join date: Dec 2006
31 IQ
#4
Quote by kylesegarra
I am liking the visual you are giving through the lyrics. It makes me laugh when people say that lyrics are to cliche'. The people that say this dont realize that 99% of the songs that are hits have extremely lame lyrics. But the lyrics you use are quite different. I really dig them..haha


that doesnt make them good though now does it?


anyway.

i actually love the verses.
theyre simple but not too simple.

the chorus though im not a huge fan of, the verses have a completely different feel to them, and to me feel like they are on a higher level, but when the chorus comes it detracts from them.

idk.
i think the chorus needs some work.
i wouldnt touch the verses or pre-choruses though.
rush4life
UG's Alex Lifeson
Join date: Jun 2004
100 IQ
#5
As someone who's written my share of "love songs" I can totally see what you're trying to do here. In the chorus part switch the one line so it's "To ever change", it sounds much better than the two words in a row starting with vowel sounds.

Other than that it's not overly spectacular, but I'm sure the subject will love it. (They seem to do most of the time :p It's quite apparent what emotion you're trying to get across here. It's not a poetic masterpiece, but I doubt that's what you were trying for. I think it suits it's purpose.

Also, on a side note, your metaphors are slightly familiar to another song I know...

Stephen Lynch - Love Song

If I had a hammer, I'd build a house for two.
And if I had a sailing ship, I'd take a trip with you.
And if I had a poets hand, I'd write a verse for thee.
And if I had the painter's touch, on canvas you'd be.

But I don't have a hammer
And I dont have a ship
So I can't build a house
And we can't take a trip

And I'll never be a poet
Nor have the painter's grace
So I'll never write you a verse
Nor immortalize your face

And also I have herpes...


Just the whole poet, painter, sculptor thing.

Good luck and thanks for the crit.

Cacophonaut
No.1 Bestselling Author
Join date: Aug 2007
60 IQ
#6
Thanks for the crit, I also am not gonna do a stanza by stanza analysis, because there are a lot of structural repetitions and it would just look silly. I will say that you have an excellent flow and rhythm, the metre for the first few is spot on. I think some of your imagery is kinda cliche though. Well, sort of, you said things in a new way, but the magicians thing just didnt work for me. I like the opening, but feel the last line was a bad rhyme, and that you ought to come up with something different. I think your pre chorus was mediocre and a little cliche, just felt like all those things have been said before. Othewise its quite a solid peice, I just (personal preferance) didnt like the way you handled some of it.

Oh, and "If I was a sculptor"? Thats from "Your Song" by Elton John!

But the again, no.
PunkRocker33133
Is now in a punk band
Join date: Sep 2007
40 IQ
#7
OK, I liked it and also I'm not gonna do a stanza by stanza analysis, but i liked it definetely a tad cliche and can u crit my song its called Summertime a Pop Punk song
Quote by thefitz
Interesting. It turns out that there are people on the forum who play an upright bass. I'll make a note of that.

*makes note*

*puts note on wall*

*stares at note for a minute*

*sits back down and resumes doing what I was doing*
Cacophonaut
No.1 Bestselling Author
Join date: Aug 2007
60 IQ
#8
Quote by kylesegarra
I am liking the visual you are giving through the lyrics. It makes me laugh when people say that lyrics are to cliche'. The people that say this dont realize that 99% of the songs that are hits have extremely lame lyrics. But the lyrics you use are quite different. I really dig them..haha


Just a side note. Just because "the hits" have extremely lame lyrics, doesnt mean that you should aspire to. We do realise this, and we also know that 99% of sogs that are hits are absolute garbage. Its the 1% you should be aiming for.
Never, ever, ever aspire to mediocrity.
rush4life
UG's Alex Lifeson
Join date: Jun 2004
100 IQ
#11
Quote by Cacophonaut
Oh, and "If I was a sculptor"? Thats from "Your Song" by Elton John!

But the again, no.


CallMeASafeBet
im betting im not
Join date: Mar 2004
10 IQ
#12
im gonna have to go with rush4life on this one...its alright but its been done before. it's solid for what it is i think but i would think outside of the box for a while if i were you. let the imagination run wild eah? im being picky here but please if you change ANYthing...spell your words out. thats all
when was the last time you looked in the mirror?
because you've changed...
XxGibsonSGxX
UG's Thread Killer :(
Join date: Jul 2006
240 IQ
#13
Wow man, I do like this alot. The rain and water sequence is a tad overused, but the way you constructed this makes it work pretty decently. I tell ya, I wrote a song for a girl once. I am never doing it again. Ever. Because now she hates me. I mean, she loved the song, but she kind of found out I like to spend my time doing less than healthy activities...heh...so yeah, bad reason to judge a person.

ANYWAYS, I do enjoy this song to a large extent and hope that you are able to show her the song; it will mean quite a bit to her, as long as you serenade her afterwards.

Mark
IamOmega
Registered User
Join date: Jun 2007
10 IQ
#14
Could have been cheesy, but it wasn't. Lay it to Acoustic and serenade that girl. She will never forget it...so be good!
esidebill
Sweeps with a broom.
Join date: May 2007
30 IQ
#15
It's cute, but so cliche

Hey there Delilah... sup.
Gear:

Ibanez SAS36FM
Ovation Acoustic
Classical Guitar
Amplitube 3 running into a PA
Jammydude44
Bad Santa
Join date: May 2006
380 IQ
#16
Quote by Pete Murray#1


Others are right. This is cliche. This is wishy-washy. This rocks.


Kimberley (If I was)

If I was a poet
I would write you such a verse
To bring pain and love and laughter
To everyone on Earth
flow, although child-like, gives the dreamy feeling one can associate with love. The pain contrasts well with love and laughter, and shows that you have thought about what you wanted to say really well.

If I were a magician
I would delight your eyes
Second line really good, man.
With magic tricks, illusions
And other fancy lies
Great how you never actualy say "together forever" or something. I'm quite envious of this so far, because, well, I'm, struggling to write, and this is solid.

(Pre-Chorus)
But that’s not who I am
They’re not things I can do
But still maybe I could tell you how
I feel when I’m with you
Last two lines are worded pretty awkwardly.

(Chorus)
You run through me like water
You drip through me like rain
And I would never want you
To ever change
Cos I think you’re perfect
Ev-ery day
Kimberley you’re perfect
In every way
Checks every box on the "aaawww" metre. A solid, solid chorus. Hardest parts to write for a song - this has rhythm and flow. Nice. Even on paper, you can imagine a melody. Nice.

If I was a painter
On the canvas I would try
To somehow match the beauty
That lies behind your smile
This verse was dodgier. Not really as imaginative or creative as the others, and the rhyme I don't particularly like.

And If I was a sculptor
I would carve you in the ice
But no statue or display piece
Could ever match you in real life
Last line is a syllable too heavy I feel. These two verses definitely are less impressive as the first two.

(Pre-Chorus)
But they are not my talents
They’re not things I can do
But still maybe I can tell you how
I feel when I’m with you

(Chorus)
You run through me like water
You drip through me like rain
And I would never want you
To ever change
Cos I think you’re perfect
Ev-ery day
Kimberley you’re perfect
In every way

(Bridge)
When tomorrow comes
You’ll still be at school
And I’ll be far away wishing
That I could be with you
I’m not going to kid myself
There has to be goodbye
But I’m just glad that for a time
I had you in my life

Maybe this part pushes the corniness just too far. Just... yeah. I mean, it flows, it rhymes, it has soul. But only if this were a song to make her smile on your last night together would I consider leaving this in. If you were to record this for an album or something, I might well be sick. you understand

(Pre-Chorus)
You know there’ll always be
Things I cannot do
But I’m just glad I told you how
I feel when I’m with you

(Chorus)
You run through me like water
You drip through me like rain
And I would never want you
To ever change
Cos I think you’re perfect
Ev-ery day
Kimberley you’re perfect
In every way

Kimberley you’re perfect
In every way

Kimberley you’re perfect…


In every way
Solid, if predictable end.


I imagine this is everything you want it to be, and nothing more. Functional and solid piece of writing. Very few flaws. I think you know that to be a really good song an an album, say, then you might have to boost up the originality. but like I said, fit for purpose and in the right context, works like a dream.

Props petey
Pete Murray#1
Registered User
Join date: Oct 2006
20 IQ
#17
Thanks to every one who has submitted feedback, much appreciated. Especially thanks to jamie for the detailed crit, you're 100% right in that this song isn't intended for consumption outside of Kimberley.
Thanks again to everyone who contributed
Winners are those who refuse to be beaten

Imagination on a Screen

Please crit my latest work! Crit for crit of course.

Or hear my demo recordings at Myspace