#1
i just wrote this song last night OTS, its kind of slower, let me know what you guys think, and crit 4 crit

I've read the news before,
the page bleeds to red,
the tar burns a hole,
in your life,
I've said it all,

As the night,
begins to fade,
away you fall,
to a powered,
wallowed grave,

one swallow,
can kill it all,
one gently push,
can tilt the tide,

A burning sip,
sparks the flame,
that kills your heart,
and rots your brain,

And she came,
like a message in a bottle,
with he life story,
hidden in the fame,

the empty abyss,
calls your name,
like a captured light,
to dim to see,

one swallow,
can kill it all,
one gently push,
can tilt the tide,
#2
Quote by Greg_23
i just wrote this song last night OTS, its kind of slower, let me know what you guys think, and crit 4 crit

I've read the news before,
the page bleeds to red,
the tar burns a hole,
in your life,
I've said it all,
hmm. pretty good opening, however, "bleeds to red" is awkward, maybe intentional, but awkward to me

As the night,
begins to fade,
away you fall,
to a powered,
wallowed grave,
good i guess, but maybe change the phrase to "you fall away". flows better IMO

one swallow,
can kill it all,
one gently push,
can tilt the tide,
its gentle push, not gently push

A burning sip,
sparks the flame,
that kills your heart,
and rots your brain,
Ew...don't like this verse at all. its boring, cliche, bland, everything. just don't like it.

And she came,
like a message in a bottle,
with he life story,
hidden in the fame,
not bad.

the empty abyss,
calls your name,
like a captured light,
to dim to see,

one swallow,
can kill it all,
one gently push,
can tilt the tide,



Nothing here is completely horrible, but it has a few cliche parts in it. Just wasn't too interesting either. Not a bad job, but certainly not a great one.

if you want, link for mines in the sig
#3
wow...i think that is a pretty powerful piece...i honestly dont see to many cliche parts...i think you should add on some verses tho or maybe make your verses a little longer...it starts off perfect too, the first verse is by far my favorite...

My songs
Reflections - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=712836
Dreams on the Wall - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=725233
When Angles Learn to Fly - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=681879
#4
thanks guys, and yea i kinda wanted it to be a powerful song, so at least i got that down, and ill get to crit your stuff soon,
#5
At the risk of being bland and boring, I have to say “Grey Dynasty” did a pretty good crit and I have nothing more to add. I appreciate your crit on “Day You Died”. I don’t totally disagree but I also remember how and why I wrote it and how it sounds in my head. It’s broad but can also stab those it captures. Hope to read and hear more from you soon and thanks again for an honest crit.