#1
Please limit your comments and critiques to
the words and the marriage between the photo and the words.
Not the photo.


Disclaimer: I don’t do c4c. I’ll read your work. If I can contribute something useful, I will. If not, I'll apply the crit somewhere else that I feel appropriate.

EDIT:
Since the time of reply #6, I've made some revisions.
I've also shuffled the order in the middle stanza.
If you want to see the original, look at the quote in reply #3
Let me know how this plays, now. Thanks.

SecondEDIT:
More changes. I’m not sure if this has finally reached it’s stride, or if I’ve butchered it.



Star Shower Photo - Poetry



Tiny whispers of illumination
stream toward me at the speed of light.
Brilliant jewelry of stellar proportions
scattered about, dividing the night.

Ancient remnants of atomic combustion
Raging fires, where no man shall go.
Birth and death on an epic scale.
The circle of life, where the solar winds blow.

A cosmic soup of dark broth and bright flavor.
Millions of stars, and the voids in between.
A puzzle, a riddle, for my mind to savor.
What more exists, past what can be seen?

Sometimes I ponder the Suns and their daughters.
Is there a reason? A greater design?
Could there be planets with air and with waters?
Would someone there have thoughts such as mine?

Sometime I imagine the things that might be.
And sometimes the stars rain down upon me.



Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Dec 8, 2007,
#2
very very beautiful, you would be a great addition to my forum.
So vast, this universe, and the voids between.
A cosmic soup of dark broth and bright flavor.
And what more exists, past what can be seen?
A puzzle, a riddle, for my mind to savor.
I love this stanza, incredibly mystical.
#3
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew

Bad mood



Star Shower Photo - Poetry


Tiny flickers of illumination
I didn't really like this line. You're saying nothing with a few fancy words.
race toward me at the speed of light.
I like that. How the 'tiny flickers' are going with the speed of light. clever connection... yet a bit cliché
Brilliant jewelry of stellar proportions
this is nice; a good metaphor for the whole stars thing
traversing the expanse, dividing the night.
traversing. i didn't like that; awesome flow in this stanza btw, but honestly, i dont really see where you're going; you've set the scene, now i just hope you... go more in depth about the whole situation you're describing

Ancient remnants of atomic combustion
Okay, a metaphor for the Big Bang. I don't know what to think about this
Giant furnaces, silenced eons ago.
I didn't like 'giant furnaces', nor did i like 'eons'.
Birth and death on an epic scale.
The circle of life, where the solar winds blow.
I like that solar winds thing. Nice connection with the whole stars/universe stuff. I didn't really liked 'epic scale'. It sounded so... 4chan-ish . It's not... epic fail.. though. /sillyjoke

So vast, this universe, and the voids between.
okay.. still talking about the universe. I'm getting bored SYK. I didn't ilke this line either, it's so obvious.
A cosmic soup of dark broth and bright flavor.
Lol. a soup metaphor. I'm going to leave this alone
And what more exists, past what can be seen?
A puzzle, a riddle, for my mind to savor.
this was better than the two other lines in this stanza, i guess

Sometimes I ponder the Suns and their daughters.
I quite liked this
Is there a reason? A greater design?
Could there be planets with air and with waters?
Would someone there have thoughts such as mine?
Ahh, finally you're making a statement. Now I see what the whole description thing was about. I didn't really like the two questions in line two. Line 3 was rather bland compared to the rest of the poem. Line 4 was cute and I could relate to it lol

Sometime I imagine the things that might be.
And sometimes the stars rain down upon me.
I like this. I thought it was cute and I could relate to it, yeah i liked that.




edit: i liked how you built your poem around the photo. nicely done.

coughihavesomethingupthatreallyneedsyourlovecough
#4
this is a great piece, I really enjoyed it. Im just gonna say I to find the third stanza to be the best. keep them coming.
#5
The photo does an excellent job of conveying the "wonder and awe" mood of the piece. It appears as though the person in it is just kind of gazing up there, pondering those thoughts, and it works beautifully.

A cosmic soup of dark broth and bright flavor.

And that line was brilliant. "Cosmic soup." I love it.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
Last edited by K-Lizzle at Dec 6, 2007,
#6
You sat up the scene pretty good with the help of this stanza. However therewere fewthings that I didn't like "traversing" it didn't feel that great . Traversing doesn't feel right to me because everything which traverse doesn't bisects for sure like "If i am running in circle . You can't say that I have crossed its boundary" . this is the same case here with "traversing and dividing". The metaphor used for stars was pretty good Mate . Moreover It flowed very well .

In second stanza

I liked how you are trying to relate whole zodiac thing to reality of life . but it's getting pretty boring . I mean I Liked the idea . But looking at the photograph . If you're just under that beautiful sky and you are thinkimg about other stuff rather than your personal situation . It's really sad and depressing.

I liked the line "A cosmic soup of dark broth and bright flavor." but the whole unioverse thing is gettinmg pretty boring . It might be me .Youa re asking too many thought provoking questions and at the same time you are not showing a new perspective on it is a bit of turn off


I liked the ending .

Overall loved it enough to not to forget it.

By the way what happened to umbrella?

It's worth 2 comments (I think). Gift them to someome new here.

Hi
#7
Thanks to all who've helped dissect this. I still haven't come up with a great way to address the umbrella, but I think droplets in the first line at least hints toward that now.

Most of you hit on some things I was unsure of. The epic part stays, though.
I won't avoid phrases that have been made cliché by certain internet sites.
(ones that should never be mentioned by name)

I'm a bit uneasy about the shuffle I did with the middle stanza.

I'm tempted to expand the final stanza to 4 lines, but I'm not sure if interleaving 2 more lines would help or weaken. My intent with this piece, is to contrast between the myriad of questions and the joy of the view.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#8
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
Please limit your comments and critiques to
the words and the marriage between the photo and the words.
Not the photo.



Star Shower Photo - Poetry



Tiny droplets of illumination
Droplets I think is quite a... weak... adjective. Just - yeah. also, it has a harsher sound to it, and something as soft as a "star shower" shouldn't have that harsh sound I don't think, especially in the opening line. Try thinking of the pitter-patter, or whooshing sound of rain, and use assonance and consonance sounds to your advantage. S sounds are extremely good here.
race toward me at the speed of light.
Towards, isn't it?
Brilliant jewelry of stellar proportions
scattered about, dividing the night.
Diving the night is excellent.

Ancient remnants of atomic combustion
Nice. I use the same sort of thing when talking about sand/sea. Things like that are great to use, I believe.
Raging fires, silenced ages ago.
Ages ago" ruins the tone, SYK. It's too colloquial. Far too colloquial. You got away with "stellar proportions" because of the half-pun but this doesn't fit, in my eyes.
Birth and death on an epic scale.
The circle of life, where the solar winds blow.

A cosmic soup of dark broth and bright flavor.
How vast, this universe, and the voids between.
I didn't particularly like the flow of the second line here.
A puzzle, a riddle, for my mind to savor.
And what more exists, past what can be seen?
I feel that you could have put this in a more short and sweet version. If shorter, it could be a decent little turning point, hook of the piece. I think you were too wordy here, good ideas but I feel that there is a cleverer and more concise way of saying it.

Sometimes I ponder the Suns and their daughters.
Very good.
Is there a reason? A greater design?
Could there be planets with air and with waters?
Would someone there have thoughts such as mine?
Okay, nice use of rhetoric. third line seems to be forcing itself too much to be poetic. It contrasts well with the "ages ago". You need a more constant tone, SYK I think.

Sometime I imagine the things that might be.
And sometimes the stars rain down upon me.
Solid end.





So basically, I think you have a stronger, more consistent poetic voice. It flips between colloquial and over-poetic. I feel it's something you can work on and implement in the future.

I would have maybe liked you to talk more about the contrast of the white stars on the dark background. I feel that the way that the stars sparkle in such dullness is one of the most important points of the picture, and that is what gives the photo such a good effect. I think maybe you could have used it more in your piece.

The piece was possible too stream of consciousness. The third stanza shows this, where I feel that a more direct stanza would have helped. As it is, I think maybe you need to focus more on your meaning and imagery combining to get across your ideas, rather than have mid-piece ramblings about what questions you have. I feel it just dragged out a part of the piece that needn't be dragged out.

You linked up the photo and words pretty well, "stellar" was a great line and you managed to avoid the usual star cliches, perhaps except mentioning jewels. The atomic combustion part was nice, and went down well.

So yeah, overall enjoyable but I feel that in your future pieces, a more focused poetic voice will help your writing get through to the reader more.

#9
Thanks Jamie. I've made additional changes. I was sorry to see droplets go, but perhaps this is better all ways round.

Towards is an acceptable variant of toward. Or maybe I have that backward(s).
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#11
I'd change:

"dividing the night" - just irked me a bit, dunno exactly why, I just think there's a better way of phrasing this.
"shall go" -tread? ****s up the rhyming, but I think it makes this line better.
"epic scale" - just think there's a better word to be used than "epic", blame the internet for this one.

The last stanza I'm in two minds about. I really like it, but I think it's the perfect opportunity for some clever juxtaposition.

"Sometimes I imagine the things that might be,
and the things that may be imagining me"

is the kinda thing I mean...just better
Populus vult decipi. Decipiatur.

Quote by Mistress_Ibanez
It's can be a contraction and genitive case.

Quote by Mistress_Ibanez
If you cut down on these costs students won't learn so well, effecting the "quality"...
#12
I'm comfortable with this one now. It's mostly settled in.

First, I'd like to thank all who responded. The support felt good, and the prodding from Andy, Joris and Jamie really helped me see some weakness I was completely blind to.


Now the comments from Frenchy. ... because I can't resist the opportunity.
Quote by FrenchyFungus
I'd change:

"dividing the night" - just irked me a bit, dunno exactly why, I just think there's a better way of phrasing this.
This is one place where I wouldn't dismiss looking for a change. The concept in the second line, tying the physics and analytical nature of the experience of viewing the stars was very important to me. The phrase you mentioned was very much "my style", but I would consider changing if I come across something better.
Quote by FrenchyFungus
"shall go" -tread? ****s up the rhyming, but I think it makes this line better.
Good call, in a way. Yes, tread would make that line work better on it's own. The final line of that stanza was my main focus. The final line needs to stay as-is. I decided early in the writing that this would be rhyming, so that limits what I can use here. I'm satisfied that the second line rhymes and add a little to the piece, but unless I change the line entirely, it will have to stay the way it is.
Quote by FrenchyFungus
"epic scale" - just think there's a better word to be used than "epic", blame the internet for this one.
Epic is the word I would have chosen, if not for the internet.
So I choose to stay with it, in spite of the internet.
F.t.MF-ers.
Quote by FrenchyFungus
The last stanza I'm in two minds about. I really like it, but I think it's the perfect opportunity for some clever juxtaposition.

"Sometimes I imagine the things that might be,
and the things that may be imagining me"

is the kinda thing I mean...just better
Brilliant. It is better, but it misses the opportunity to drive home the rain concept. You'll have to save that kind of idea for another piece.

When I sent you the link to this thread, I thought you would just look. I didn't think you'd have these interesting opinions on style. I suspect there's a writer in you.

Write something.

Join the party. Visit us and offer some more comments, when you can. And put a few words and ideas together of your own. This is more fun than a plastic bucket and shovel at the beach.

Write, or I'll hound you until you do.

EDIT: I think your idea might even work to change this into a song.
The last stanza becomes the chorus.


Chorus:
Sometimes I imagine the things that might be,
and the things that might be imagining me.

(instrumental melody same length as first two lines.)

Sometime I imagine the things that might be.
And sometimes the stars rain down upon me.



Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Dec 9, 2007,