#1
alright, im trying to stick around for atleast a little while and this is my second come back piece...it's a little long i know, i just hope i have some writing left in me. the story's pretty obvious...just saying goodbye.


I Guess Now We Can Talk

this heartbreaking date written across my fingertips
a tragic reminder for every time I shut my eyelids.

I stood there sinking in the mud facing your life
Wrapped up so tight in stone with your loose ends all tied
I wanted to tell you how many people were there to say goodbye
I wanted to tell them to leave at the same time
Just how could they sit by and let this happen?
Just the same, you would be so happy to see their long faces
and that’s all that matters I guess.

”well I think I lost your face in the crowd
I know you’d say i lost you before that.
the truth is I watched you burn and didn’t know how to put you out.
I watched you dying but I couldn’t breathe enough pick you up.
I saw you drowning but I never learned to swim
I apologize for all these things I needed to do.
I’m terribly sorry most of all for not wanting to say goodbye to you.
I know you’d say; ‘now you just want to talk?
When the smallest words could have mattered
You couldn’t open your goddam mouth?’
I know, love. What a terrible person I’ve become.
I’m glad that you got out in time.
I know you know things are ruined once they are mine.
I really hope you can hear these songs.
You know, they’re playing for you from now on.
One day ill be laying next to you again just like we did in our bed
Ill be looking at you through the mud instead of from on top
And ill reach for your hand just like I never did
And im sure you’ll pull away
but I promise that ill be happy that way.

Next time I won’t ask you for the things I know you need
But ill be right there beside you rotting just the same.”

Rubbing my face, I turn to leave.
With this heartbroken face stained with ink
when was the last time you looked in the mirror?
because you've changed...
Last edited by CallMeASafeBet at Dec 6, 2007,
#3
I've only given this a quick glance so far and I'll come back tomorrow is my plan but I would change the opening. it's got no kick, no pull. push those lines later. maybe start at the 2nd stanza.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#4
thanks you i was beginning to think this was going to fade...well i was positive. i can't wait for tomorrow then!
when was the last time you looked in the mirror?
because you've changed...
#6
whoops.

this heartbreaking date written across my fingertips
a tragic reminder for every time I shut my eyelids.

this makes more sense on repeated reads but the first thing I think of when I read it is a romantic date not a calendar date. I guess the rest of the sentence should have been an indicator of that to me but I figured you were being metaphorical. I guess it's alright but I think you're making it too heavy handed, and I think that about all of this. granted death is serious business, but I know that as a reader, you don't have to keep telling me. I think just taking out a couple adjectives here could really help this piece feel more natural. in these lines for example I would suggest taking out heartbreaking and tragic so it reads something like "this date written across my fingertips/is a reminder for when I shut my eyelids" you keep the flow too because heartbreaking and reminder both have three syllables.

I stood there sinking in the mud facing your life
Wrapped up so tight in stone with your loose ends all tied
I wanted to tell you how many people were there to say goodbye
I wanted to tell them to leave at the same time
Just how could they sit by and let this happen?
Just the same, you would be so happy to see their long faces
and that’s all that matters I guess.

the first line is confusing. I'm with you until facing your life then I ask 'what does that mean?' you may consider making it more clear. the last line is unnecessary, it can be inferred from the one preceding it.

”well I think I lost your face in the crowd
I know you’d say i lost you before that.
the truth is I watched you burn and didn’t know how to put you out.
I watched you dying but I couldn’t breathe enough pick you up.
I saw you drowning but I never learned to swim
I apologize for all these things I needed to do.
I’m terribly sorry most of all for not wanting to say goodbye to you.

you don't need to quotation marks. you've been addressing them the whole time. I think reworking this stanza to make the expression of the sentiments would make this a lot stronger. burn-put out, drown-swim, etc are pretty used up.

I know you’d say; ‘now you just want to talk?
When the smallest words could have mattered
You couldn’t open your goddam mouth?’
I know, love. What a terrible person I’ve become.
I’m glad that you got out in time.
I know you know things are ruined once they are mine.
I really hope you can hear these songs.
You know, they’re playing for you from now on.
One day ill be laying next to you again just like we did in our bed
Ill be looking at you through the mud instead of from on top
And ill reach for your hand just like I never did
And im sure you’ll pull away
but I promise that ill be happy that way.

I think this is the most interesting stanza by far. except it brought something to my attention that I hadn't thought of at all which through me off. these guys are a couple. there's nothing before here that so much as hints at that fact and it's a totally important one for the reader to have while reading this piece. when I read it I initially thought the subject was a friend or like a grandmother or something, it just didn't seem like a dead-love thing.

I think the line directly following that one is interesting. however, I don't like how this stanza ends. I'd like to illustrate my point with an example. one of my classmates wrote a short story where this guy and girl fall in love and then the guy dies and she ends it saying "blah blah, but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way"
I'd like to assert that this is not true at all. she would have wanted it another way, she would have much preferred her partner to stay alive, don't you think? and I think the same goes for the character in this piece. he/she's dead in the ground with his/her dead husband?/wife? reaches for his/her hand and they turn away? and the speaker's supposed to be happy about this? I don't think so.
I realize that it's just an expression. my point is it's a stupid expression.


Next time I won’t ask you for the things I know you need
But ill be right there beside you rotting just the same.”

Rubbing my face, I turn to leave.
With this heartbroken face stained with ink

once again, here I'd get rid of the adjective heartbroken. we know the speaker's heartbroken, you don't need to say it again, just hinting at it should be enough. also the repetition of face doesn't seem useful. couldn't you just condense it to something like "I turn to leave, rubbing my face stained with ink"? it expresses the same thing I think. I don't know, play with it.


mg
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love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in