#1
Heres a song I wrote, it came to me in a dream and I remember most of it. I tried to write it down as neatly as I could while trying to portray the things I dreamt, but I need some help cleaning it up, editing it, etc whatever you can do to it, thanks! Its probably going to a metal song, and it definately has an apocalyptic feel to it, Id like to think. Probably the second song I ever wrote so go easy! I have trouble portraying emotions and stuff if you couldnt tell

And yes, I change the verses and such each time that it repeats.


the searing clouds of death approach
the cold sets in and the air goes silent
Whispers cut short by breathless wonder
the sky turns black and starts to bleed

Graves empty into streets
shaking off the dirt
breathing in reanimation
they crawl and run
waking from an empty slumber

The heavens are torn
the clouds are swirling
tomorrow wont come
nor will the sun

the weeping clouds of death are here
the cold set in and the air went silent
lives cut short by unimagineable horrors
the sky turns black and starts to bleed

Following the wake of a thousand shadows
The six legged demon comes
its legs made of locusts,
its body obscured by the highest clouds

the weeping swarms of death are here
the cold set in and the air went silent
lives cut short by unimagineable horrors
the sky turned black and is bleeding freely

The heavens are torn
the winds are howling
tomorrow wont come
nor will the sun
#2
"Tomorrow wont come, nor will the sun", is my favorite part.

Not too bad, needs some more unique passages and some cleaning up, but not bad at all.
A heathen, conceivably
but not,

I hope,
I’m not ashamed to be white
Vi doede ikke... vi har aldri levd
Barbarism is the natural state of mankind
Civilization is unnatural

It is a whim of circumstance
an unenlightened one
#4
the searing clouds of death approach
the cold sets in and the air goes silent
Whispers cut short by breathless wonder
the sky turns black and starts to bleed

i think you should take out 'the' at the beginning of the first two lines. and the one before air. actually, i would like it better if you just took all of them out of this stanza. and in the last line, i think it would flow a bit better and fit the mood better if you replaced 'and' with a comma. oh, and speaking of commas, you need some punctuation, friend. i also like the word begins a lot more than starts. and if you used it here it would give that last line some nice alliteration. just a thought.

Graves empty into streets
shaking off the dirt
breathing in reanimation
they crawl and run
waking from an empty slumber

who is they? i mean, who are they? there are no people mentioned yet, and they seem to pop in out of nowhere. i don't get the third line. it doesn't make sense to me. maybe i'm just dumb? oh! i see, the 'they' is all the people rising from their graves? ha, it all makes sense now... maybe think about making that a bit clearer? and the fourth line bugs me. crawl and run are pretty contradictory verbs. do they crawl then run maybe? also, just as the stanza before, you should add punctuation.

The heavens are torn
the clouds are swirling
tomorrow wont come
nor will the sun

the last line here is really redundant. of course the sun isn't rising if there's no tomorrow. i'm also getting pretty redundant... punctuation!

the weeping clouds of death are here
the cold set in and the air went silent
lives cut short by unimagineable horrors
the sky turns black and starts to bleed

again here, all the 'the's kind of ruin it for me. and unimaginable is spelled wrong. also, punctuate. (i'm getting a little sick of that word)

Following the wake of a thousand shadows
The six legged demon comes
its legs made of locusts,
its body obscured by the highest clouds

you ought to know what i'm gonna say right now, so i won't say it. ever again. is this 'six-legged demon' a reference to something that i don't know? just curious...

the weeping swarms of death are here
the cold set in and the air went silent
lives cut short by unimagineable horrors
the sky turned black and is bleeding freely

same as the previous two with this one. i think because you've changed the first two lines in the other stanzas, you should switch up the second line too. maybe instead of went say the air's gone silent. not a big change, but a change nonetheless.

The heavens are torn
the winds are howling
tomorrow wont come
nor will the sun

i think this is pretty weak as an ending. the sun line is redundant again. the imagery here is what's been used throughout the whole piece. maybe toy around with some new images, new wording, i don't know, maybe take it out altogether.

so, i didn't really get much out of this. if you're gonna write a song about the apocalypse, give it something that no other apocalyptic song has. give people something new and interesting that no one has seen a thousand times before. it's not bad, really, just not anything i've not seen before. keep working on it. and punctuate!! i know, i said it again, but come on! it's important.

sorry if that was harsh. just trying to help.

loveray
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?