#1
I wrote this song in about 3 minutes, no revisions were made. I dedicate this song to my uncle, my aunt, my father, and a few other people


Fucking grab your head in one hand
Smash it against the corner of the walls
Once, twice, thirty times
Take your arm and twist it back
Hear it snap then kick you down

Grab the bat by the door
Swing as if Ive never swung
Laugh and spit in your face
as you wail and scream in pain

Steal into my room
where Ive concealed a bowie
Rush back to where youre lying
Scrape off the skin from your chest
Grasp the skin flaps, tear them to the sides

Bathe in blood that isn't mine
Shove my knives into your eyes
Twist and turn them, writhe in pain
Ill hang your head to show your shame

Youre crying fuels my anger
I crack a smile as I realize im done
Cleaning up the carpet and washing off wounds
But no, I wont allow death
to save you from this torture
Ill let you live and heal
For tomorrow, we begin again
#2
I like it.
Has a certain poetic element to it..
We've drained full confession booths, polluted drinking wells with our repentances, and then stood grinning with our arms around the shoulder of a rotting child.



If you resist change, you will be here forever.
#6
Quote by BluePaintCult
I just thought it was absolutely and absurdly ridiculous that there was a baseball bat next to the door.



...LMFAO!

LMFAO! ROFL haha

Thats hilarious man, haha. Youre the man
#7
You are a metal god.

My only criticism regards the title. Not metal enough.

How about, "Epic Carnage" or "Face Smashed by a Metal Bat"?
My Last.fm Account

My Band

Quote by Jackal58
JoHNNERz you sir are my hero of the moment.
#8
Quote by JoHNNERz
You are a metal god.

My only criticism regards the title. Not metal enough.

How about, "Epic Carnage" or "Face Smashed by a Metal Bat"?



Good idea mate, except it was actually a wooden bat
#9
Uhh.... wow.

You dun like ur daddy very much du u?
Get baked, study theory.

Quote by :-D
Why are you bringing Cm into this?
#10
you are one sick, twisted minded, freak man...
Quote by cpt_pimp
my last fail was breaking up with my gf.

that's going to suck for a while


Quote by leg end
Well, not really haha!


#11


I realise these are supposed to be lyrics to go with a br00tal metal song, but I don't care. I'm going to crit the literary/poetic aspect of this without having the song in mind.


Fucking grab your head in one hand
I strongly disliked how you started this line with fucking. It didn't make much sense to me considering how you ended the verse. It's not like it's going to be more brutal just because you added a swear word. I realise there's a difference between 'fucking' grabbing your head and gently grabbing your head, but still.. there's other adjectives you can use.
Smash it against the corner of the walls
'the corners of the walls'? The corners of the room, okay, but as far as I know walls don't have corners.
Once, twice, thirty times
Take your arm and twist it back
Hear it snap then kick you down
Okay, more violence here. I won't start a rant about that but one question that I'd really like to ask.. WHY? Why would someone break his own arm? What's the use of that. I don't really get the purpose of this.

Grab the bat by the door
Blake pointed it out already, wtf at there being a bat by the door?
Swing as if Ive never swung
Strange change here. You started your song with 'you' and now you've suddenly changed to first person. The 'swing - swung' added some flow to it, that was good.
Laugh and spit in your face
and back again to 'you'. I'm confused. Who is breaking arms, who is spitting, who is swinging bats?
as you wail and scream in pain
I liked wail. Didn't like 'scream in pain' too much because it's so totally overused.

Steal into my room
'steal into'? I've never heard that verb with the preposition 'into'.
where Ive concealed a bowie
What the hell is a 'bowie'? It sounded funny. I thought this line was way out of place here, between all the violence. Like I said, I have no idea what a 'bowie' is, but it just sounds so funny and childish.
Rush back to where youre lying
Strange line. I must say I quite liked this, there's some ambiguity going on with the 'rush' and the 'lying'.
Scrape off the skin from your chest
Oh. We're on Violence Boulevard again. WHY?
Grasp the skin flaps, tear them to the sides
'Flaps' made me smile. Let's call this a 'bowie'-case

Bathe in blood that isn't mine
Shove my knives into your eyes
Twist and turn them, writhe in pain
Ill hang your head to show your shame
Oh, you're rhyming now. 'mine - eyes' was quite subtle, but the 'pain - shame' is way overdone. I liked 'writhe', it sounded pretty brutal. I didn't really get the 'I'll hang your head' part. Didn't make much sense to me.

Youre crying fuels my anger
Cliché, oh so cliché. also, it's your, not you're
I crack a smile as I realize im done
A murder..?
Cleaning up the carpet and washing off wounds
But no, I wont allow death
to save you from this torture
Ill let you live and heal
For tomorrow, we begin again
This is twisted. I'm out of here

Think you can get to mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=730462
Last edited by phantom1 at Dec 11, 2007,
#12
Quote by phantom1



That was hilarious dude, thanks!

It is actually supposed to be a brutal beating of someone, in a first person perspective, and im narrating it to the victim, aka im twisting their arm, hearing it snap, kicking them down, etc.

A bowie is a knife, google a bowie knife or something, lmao. And "steal into my room", I dont know if its slang or an american term or something, but it means to "sneak away into my room" or "slip into, around that same meaning.

And by hanging their head, I was trying to get the reader to imagine someone beheaded and having their head displayed as a trophy or something, but at the end they would realize that I just meant forcing them to hang their head


"This is twisted, im out of here " Made me laugh like a retard Youre the man!
#13
l13k omg ur so kvlt.

Good job. I'm not one for gore/violence lyrics, but these were better.
#17
lol no one really gives all that much **** about breakin peoples arms and rippin them open.. ull never get any hot chicks.. but a **** load of swingin dicks.. lyrics arent gonan go anywhere..
#18
Lol @ cabby's crit and lack of knives knowledge, and lol @ baseball near door. The bathing part was great, I can hear that in a song perfectly.

All in all, pretty br00tal Alonso.
#20
I like this a lot imo. It Has alot of Emotion Though It Is Very difficult at Points really to seet hat, but i think its pretty suttle, the phrasing and stanzas Remind Me Of John Milton but maybe with a POEtic twist (lol)

strong like bull