#1
Cling onto the coin
or it will clank,
down towards the pit
of the grease-stained
slot(ted) and you’ve
potted the golds
your crimson red blood-tainted
addiction is bound to
kill you,
knock you off,
cut you fine,
butt you closer to your
twenty-five years-premature grave.

Not much of a problem ,
though,
since you're already
dead over
them.
#2
Cling onto the coin
or it will clank,
Nice opening.
down towards the pit
plummeting instead of down would continue the alliteration.
of the grease-stained
slot(ted) and you’ve
I don't get the parenthetical addition.
potted the golds
your crimson red blood-tainted
addiction is bound to
kill you,
knock you off,
cut you fine,
butt you closer to your
butt you? what?
twenty-five years-premature grave.

Not much of a problem ,
though,
since you're already
dead over
them.


I haven't the foggiest what you're on about here, Kyrl. The use of butt hints at cigarettes, but other parts don't fit.
Meadows
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#3
Quote by confusius

Is this about smoking again? That's what I got out of it after a first read.

Cling onto the coin
or it will clank,
nice alliteration here
down towards the pit
i didnt like 'down towards', it's meh
of the grease-stained
slot(ted) and you’ve
what's with the parentheses? i didnt like that
potted the golds
your crimson red blood-tainted
addiction is bound to
kill you,
addiction.. smoking? i thought the 'crimson red blood-tainted' was a bit over the top
knock you off,
cut you fine,
butt you closer to your
if butt isn't a typo, it's quite clever but it looks weird here;
twenty-five years-premature grave.
YOURE GOING TO DIE TOO. stop smoking
Not much of a problem ,
though,
since you're already
dead over
them.
and then you ruined it.. i didnt like this it misses the quality you had in the first stanza, it's bland and meh
dqqdf