#1
hi. this is basically a cute little poem that you shouldn't take too seriously. a lot of it is words that i've been meaning to use and just haven't found a place for. think of it as mystery meat in your school cafeteria. anyway, i'd be delighted to read your criticisms. thanks.

i disconnect the dots of your eyes and
string them together like decorative lights;
now they line the walls of my room.

[birds sing notes i can't define]

i want to read your skin as braille;
sew my sheets into a sail
and go everywhere with you.

[like the endorphines in my mind]

my brightest dot is you;
you, you, oh you.
in a sea of ten thousand non-you's,

[you weren't so hard to find]

like the sun in the sky,
no, you weren't so hard to find.
Last edited by Arthur Curry at Dec 10, 2007,
#2
Quote by Arthur Curry

i disconnect the dots of your eyes and
string them together like decorative lights;
now they line the walls of my room.
nice. i loved the first two lines, the flow was right, the vocabulary was good. i liked this

[birds sing notes i can't define]
this is cute i guess

i want to read your skin as brail;
sew my sheets into a sail
and go everywhere with you.
brail line was amazing. two other lines were cute, last line is a bit bland though

[like the endorphines in my mind]

my brightest dot is you,
you, you. oh, you.
and in a sea of ten thousand non-you's,
awww; not your best writing here but i really liked this; it was quite bland, even a bit cliché. second line was a bit weak, you could've done something else there i guess

[you weren't so hard to find]

like the sun in the sky,
no, you weren't so hard to find.
wraps it up nicely. i'm sorry; this is a ****ty crit but there isn't really a lot here and i like most of it, so yeah.


i linked you to my last one in the other thread.
#3
I really like the imagery here, and I don't really have much to complain about. I don't really like the word "non-you", or maybe there's just too much "you" in that stanza for me to handle

Was endorphines one of the words you wanted to use? I liked the second stanza the most, and the last line I think fits well as a simple line to compliment the imagery filled ones before it.

Good stuff, I like.



Read mine, (Cortez) if you can find the time please, I'm trying to improve myself
#5
zomg u sooo took tha disconnetc teh dots from of montreal lolz

It was cute. But you spelled "Braille" wrong. Unless you spelled it that way so it would coordinate with the "sail" in the next line. In which case... deck.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#7
Quote by Arthur Curry
hi. this is basically a cute little poem that you shouldn't take too seriously. a lot of it is words that i've been meaning to use and just haven't found a place for. think of it as mystery meat in your school cafeteria. anyway, i'd be delighted to read your criticisms. thanks.

i disconnect the dots of your eyes and
string them together like decorative lights;
now they line the walls of my room.
Sweet little internal rhyming here. The first line felt a little dull to me though, "the dots of your eyes" could be articulated in a much better way, or at least it seems so to me. I like this so far.

[birds sing notes i can't define]
Nothing outstanding, but lovely nonetheless.

i want to read your skin as braille;
sew my sheets into a sail
and go everywhere with you.
mmm. This stanza shows great potential but I have mixed feelings about it. "go everywhere with you" seems like a fill-in line. I really can't make up my mind on "read your skin as braille". It's a fine line, but it seems like you could have introduced it in such a more effective way, or at least have developed around it a little more. it's probably something that you wanted to use for a bit, but it seems like some kind of waste to me now. I hope you understand.

[like the endorphines in my mind]

my brightest dot is you;
you, you, oh you.
in a sea of ten thousand non-you's,
For some reason I really like this. Although I can see why some wouldn't. But yeah, good job

[you weren't so hard to find]

like the sun in the sky,
no, you weren't so hard to find.
Not the more original ending but it works very well in my opinion. Especially as a song. good job.



It's decent as a whole, you got some ideas together, now wrap them around, add the icing on the cake. You're not far from having a good little piece here.



Mathieu