#1
Looking through some old stuff. This was written shortly after April 6th. The date of the incident being discussed. Feedback would be nice. C4C.

Pick Your Poison (April 6th)
I love her blue eyes,
Her black and blue eyes.
Sat back and blew by
The black and white checkered finish line.

I love the house that splits,
Melts away under the strain of bloody fingertips.
Huddled under the stairs
With her arms around the kids.

"Don't worry son,
Daddy's just a wishful thinker,
And daddy's just a social drinker,
And daddy's just a woman beater."
#3
You've got some excellent wordplay going on, but I'm not sure you use it quite effectively. For instance, the blue/blew change is lovely, but what exactly do those first four lines mean? The last two stanzas are clearer, because they're simpler, but they don't have as much of that first stanza's good writing. But the first stanza isn't really clear. So you've gotta think of ways to make your wordplay really mean something, not just sound nice. Still it's a wonderful start.

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#4
Quote by NGD1313

Pick Your Poison (April 6th)
I love her blue eyes,
Her black and blue eyes.
Sat back and blew by
The black and white checkered finish line.

Aside from the great rhyming, I really like the way you use the colors throughout this verse, it works well with the metaphor and imagery. The only thing that slightly bothers me is how much longer the last line is from the rest, it just takes away from the rhythm a bit, but that's just me. I also agree with Petey about making it a bit clearer here.

I love the house that splits,
Melts away under the strain of bloody fingertips.
Huddled under the stairs
With her arms around the kids.

Again, great imagery and articulation of what's going on in the story. Not a thing I would change, here.

"Don't worry son,
Daddy's just a wishful thinker,
And daddy's just a social drinker,
And daddy's just a woman beater."

It's a really small tiny detail, but I think you don't need to start both of the last two lines with 'and' as I think you could use it once, or not at all.


Despite my little criticisms, I really loved this.
#5
Quote by NGD1313


Pick Your Poison (April 6th)
I love her blue eyes,
Her black and blue eyes.
Sat back and blew by
The black and white checkered finish line.

i liked the first three lines, but the fourth one kind of irritated me. the rhyme felt forced.

I love the house that splits,
Melts away under the strain of bloody fingertips.
Huddled under the stairs
With her arms around the kids.

really good imagery. i liked everything about this stanza except for "melts away" because you said "splits" in the first line, which implies breaking in two. something like "buckles" or "cracks" would fit better i think.

"Don't worry son,
Daddy's just a wishful thinker,
And daddy's just a social drinker,
And daddy's just a woman beater."

no complaints here. the repetition of and was necessary. it made it feel more like i was listening to someone shell out excuses. good use of parallel structure.


it was good. it was short, but it was good.