#1
umm thx in advance for the crits. leave me the link for what you want me to crit in return.

I’m sorry still lost in a melancholy
I could still sit and ponder as seasons pass
You were so virulent from the moment you spoke
My thoughts mundane, lucidity evades my grasps

Every breath comes closer to calamity
The fear accretes even in my declivity
Where are you? I’m so sorry
I feel a sudden vertigo upon me

The rain, it falls yet I’ll stand truculent
I wish this ablution would cleanse me
I stood in your effulgence, shinning through
A lassitude latched onto me as I turn to leave

Take the car and drive away; year sixteen had better days
Nine o’ clock and still at home, toss and turn I’m all alone

Days go by, as I slowly start to die
Thoughts of you still hurt my mind
Wish you were still here by my side
Frenetic to have a heart again

I’ve seen the sun, it’s shinning rays; a black hole
Sink into the day; star struck lovers
Dead where they lay. A visage of us I hope and pray
I fear to crawl back in terror of your ire
Spit and scream but call me no liar
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
Last edited by me<-needs help at Dec 12, 2007,
#2
First of all, thank you for the critique.

Because of my poor vocabulary, I'm not sure I really know what the song was about (what with all those fancy words). It may be difficult for the average person to comprehend the message you are trying to convey. Other than that, it seemed to flow pretty well and you can tell you put effort in writing it. Overall I like it, though it is hard to understand.
#3
Quote by me<-needs help
umm thx in advance for the crits. leave me the link for what you want me to crit in return.

I’m sorry still lost in a melancholy
I could still sit and ponder as seasons pass
You were so virulent from the moment you spoke
My thoughts mundane, lucidity evades my grasps

Dude ur vocabualary is like wide
kida hard to comprehend
but after using the dictionary
i like this 1


Every breath comes closer to calamity
The fear accretes even in my declivity
Where are you? I’m so sorry
I feel a sudden vertigo upon me

WOW! thats a nice line


The rain, it falls yet I’ll stand truculent
I wish this ablution would cleanse me
I stood in your effulgence, shinning through
A lassitude latched onto me as I turn to leave


once again very nice


Take the car and drive away; year sixteen had better days
Nine o’ clock and still at home, toss and turn I’m all alone


i dont get where that came from....
still good


Days go by, as I slowly start to die
Thoughts of you still hurt my mind
Wish you were still here by my side
Frenetic to have a heart again

goes with the last stanza


I’ve seen the sun, it’s shinning rays; a black hole
Sink into the day; star struck lovers
Dead where they lay. A visage of us I hope and pray
I fear to crawl back in terror of your ire
Spit and scream but call me no liar



overall really nice
dont use such big words lol
i had to look at the dictionnary
overall great
and i revised the one i had
the dead lovers creed
so if u would go back
and look over it thnx
Every hour on the hour..they drew blood
Last edited by insortediaboli at Dec 23, 2007,
#4
Though I understand it fine, It really seems like you tried WAY too hard to put big words in it. You had some great lines in there but it seems like you were sitting there with your nose over a thesaurus to make this seem more advanced.

I would've LOVED it if the overuse had some significance but I don't think it did...correct me if I'm wrong.
#5
umm thx in advance for the crits. leave me the link for what you want me to crit in return.

I’m sorry still lost in a melancholy
I could still sit and ponder as seasons pass
You were so virulent from the moment you spoke
My thoughts mundane, lucidity evades my grasps
Im sorry, I didn't really understand this stanza, not because of the big words, but because of the way they were used. I think you have a promising idea here however.


Every breath comes closer to calamity
The fear accretes even in my declivity
Where are you? I’m so sorry
I feel a sudden vertigo upon me
Again, same here, I'm not sure if you were just trying to put huge words in this piece or not


The rain, it falls yet I’ll stand truculent
I wish this ablution would cleanse me
I stood in your effulgence, shinning through
A lassitude latched onto me as I turn to leave


Take the car and drive away; year sixteen had better days
Nine o’ clock and still at home, toss and turn I’m all alone


Days go by, as I slowly start to die
Thoughts of you still hurt my mind
Wish you were still here by my side
Frenetic to have a heart again


I’ve seen the sun, it’s shinning rays; a black hole
Sink into the day; star struck lovers
Dead where they lay. A visage of us I hope and pray
I fear to crawl back in terror of your ire
Spit and scream but call me no liar[
This is my favorite stanza, the last line is great. "I fear to crawl back in terror of your ire" was a bit awkward to say though

/QUOTE]

Not bad, I can't believe i'm saying this, but try cutting down on the larger words, they get in the way of telling the story. I liked the idea you have here, not bad at all.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=743079 <-- here you go, C4C