#1
This has some point, but I'm tired. C4c.

Nick Corey, Uncle Jon, "The best Jim. Bar none."


He took out his copy of Pop. 1280
Same virtue but the wrong color, was a pity
And leafed through his black underlining
till he found the part where Nick Corey tells us he should be up there
With the high an' mighty.
That night he couldnt sleep,
Tried for three hours,
Thinking about how Nick would get along up there
Shootin up the white vista
Turning all his new heavenly hosts black with lead,
Them falling from the sky, pretendin to be dead
Get up you fuckers, its time for round two-
Pretending to be so stupid, only a couple shots missed in his life
Then tricking Lacey to go murder those Pimps-
Jesus hisself could do no better,
Dont know why he's so celebrated,
Doesnt even have a real gift. Bullseye.

He ripped out the first few pages and the last few pages then tore a little more and a little more and more, until all that was left was that one scene where Tom dies and no one cares, except for the black one, but he doesnt count.

Hell, you cant even see his skin in the night,
Just his mighty wings.
#2
That's about how I feel at the end. I really like this, even though it's a little vague. Let's call it a good start. The ending reference is good, but if the reader doesn't get it at first, it's pretty much in vain. I think your idea is good, but you need to work on the setup so that it really builds up to the punch in the face we get at the end. <3 you.

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#4
This has some point, but I'm tired. C4c.

Nick Corey, Uncle Jon, "The best Jim. Bar none."


He took out his copy of Pop. 1280
I take it you're talking about the Jim Thompson novel here. I haven't read it, so I probably won't understand this
Same virtue but the wrong color, was a pity
And leafed through his black underlining
till he found the part where Nick Corey tells us he should be up there
With the high an' mighty.
There's something about these short fragments you have here, it gives this part a certain atmosphere that really speaks to me. I liked your writing here.
That night he couldnt sleep,
Tried for three hours,
I thought this was quite bland. Especially the 'couldn't sleep' line. 'Tried for three hours' is another of those fragments I was talking about. I still haven't figured out how to describe the feeling that it gives, but it certainly caught my interest.
Thinking about how Nick would get along up there
Shootin up the white vista
Turning all his new heavenly hosts black with lead,
Them falling from the sky, pretendin to be dead
Get up you fuckers, its time for round two-