#1
Poem. I kind of feel like I cheaped out on this one... like maybe it needs more. What do you think?


A Charge In the Right Direction

She breathes monotony
through harped lungs,
and whispers through harpooning lips.
She curses with a harbinger's tongue
and cures with a harlequin kiss.
Har-har-hardy-har,
she's a teratoma taking heart,
littering Sunset Boulevard with lisps
and broken sentences.
She breathes monotony.
She is a cornerstore democracy.
A failed attempt at shedding skin
A false sense of accomplishment.
She breathes... and I wait for it to stop.
Monotony... I wait for it to stop.
I would never wish it upon anyone.
At least not a girl. At least not again.
She's the exoskeleton of a former friend.
I would never call her family,
or even very fascinating.
#2
I think it's wonderful. Even the har-har-hardy-har! The rhythm seems to express the feeling of monotony and you've got some excellent surrealish imagery.
When altitude dropping, my ears started popping. One more red nightmare...
#3
Quote by bassbeat77

A Charge In the Right Direction


She breathes monotony
through harped lungs,
i liked this. i thought it was pretty original
and whispers through harpooning lips.
'harpooning lips', i take it she's swearing or yelling at someone, she's angry.
She curses with a harbinger's tongue
and cures with a harlequin kiss.
oh i like this. really nice how you had the parallel between the two lines. nice work
Har-har-hardy-har,
wasn't too fond of this, i thought it was a bit out of context, you know? there was so much eloquence in the previous lines and this didn't really do that justice.
she's a teratoma taking heart,
littering Sunset Boulevard with lisps
no idea what 'teratoma' is and i cba to look it up right now. i liked 'littering with lisps'
and broken sentences.
amazing use of the line break here.
She breathes monotony.
She is a cornerstore democracy.
i'm getting monotonous in my crit. liked this again, the rhyme was so subtle and good
A failed attempt at shedding skin
A false sense of accomplishment.
it seems like you tried the parallel thing again here, but it kind of failed. i didnt really care for these lines, the 'shedding skin' thing was a bit cliché IMO, the other line was quite bland compared to some other lines you had here
She breathes... and I wait for it to stop.
Monotony... I wait for it to stop.
i liked how you lined up the words from the first parts and how they basically recreate your opening line. i wasn't too fond of the 'i wait for it to stop' repetition.
I would never wish it upon anyone.
At least not a girl. At least not again.
second line had good flow, there also was some rhyme-ish thing going on. i thought the first line could've been much better, it's quite bland
She's the exoskeleton of a former friend.
liked this again
I would never call her family,
or even very fascinating.
i went kind of 'meh' at the family line here, but the last line had this weird twist to it with the 'fascinating' and i really liked that


apart from those few things i pointed out i really enjoyed this piece. do mine?

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=730462
#4
A Charge In the Right Direction

She breathes monotony
Odd. Interesting. I sit up and take notice.
through harped lungs,
Harped lungs? Harped is not a very long word. I should understand this. I don't.
Why did you use that word. I'm clueless and it hurts.

and whispers through harpooning lips.
I get harpooning. I see the pattern, and I'm even more annoyed at harped.
She curses with a harbinger's tongue
I rarely use harbinger as a person, rather as an omen.
Of course I see why you chose it here.

and cures with a harlequin kiss.
Har-har-hardy-har,
I get it, but I'm not laughing. I still feel left out because of harped.
she's a teratoma taking heart,
Teratoma is some sort of medical malady. Like a tumor?
Why is a heart taking this? I'm beginning to feel more suspicious you punked me with harped.

littering Sunset Boulevard with lisps
OK to littering lisps but I didn't get the Sunset Boulevard reference. Maybe it has meaning. w/e
and broken sentences.
another word play OK.
She breathes monotony.
She is a cornerstore democracy.
We've started again, but don't feel a direction in the pattern or understand why cornerstone democracy.
A failed attempt at shedding skin
A false sense of accomplishment.
Failed fits with the alignment, compared to the one near the beginning.
You have "a"s preceding "s"s in the first and 's" preceding "a" in the second.
Not certain if that was even intended.

She breathes... and I wait for it to stop.
Monotony... I wait for it to stop.
I would never wish it upon anyone.
Yikes. Are we talking about a real girl here?
Infirmed and in such a hopeless condition that the end is almost preferable to continuing?

At least not a girl. At least not again.
She's the exoskeleton of a former friend.
I would never call her family,
or even very fascinating.
In the end I almost think this is a poem about the poem itself.
Could this be a take off on something you did before?
Gaaa. I don't know what to think.
Meadows
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#5
Thanks for the crits. Very much appreciated.

I'll wait for a couple more comments and then look at maybe revising a bit. Specifically with two of the lines that Cabby pointed out.

Thanks again.
#6
the har-har-hardy-har thing was a "lol" moment.
I say you could revise it... but I would add much to it.
Promises meant a lot back then.