A song about unrequited love, where I liked a girl and I think she liked me, but I was too scared to do anything about it so nothing really ever happened between us.. Crit for crit

This fire burning in between us
Has spread to my soul, i am bound to its hazy, toxic enchantment
Like a gravedigger bleeding stoned behind his grave;
As if distance and pain would unlock some kind of contentment.

Smeared on the moonlit wind
Is the image of a coward's sin
It is the smoke that I breath making love with the night, as if to remember and forget your pretty face;
As the the rain and tears fall
In the landscape of my mind
My eyes search for something that isn't you
Whenever you pass me by.

Your beautiful breath, I'm so unworthy of it
So I'll stand on the other end of this river, where I can long for your pretty face.
The trees, they are whispering soft sad, ancient lullabies
Of how two souls, one fair, one tortured, almost fell in love in the mist....
It's pretty cool. Maybe singing it it would sound cool, but from here i think some of the words are too complicated. Try shorten it a little, make it more solid. Find words that express the same, but in a smaller way.

Just my opinion!

Good luck!!