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#1
I was surfing around the Eden website and I stumbled upon a bass jokes section. A lot of them apply to any musician, a lot of them are SO stereotypical, but all are fun and are worth reading. I'll copy and paste the jokes here:

What is a fretless bass good for?
About thirty yards if you use both hands.

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What do bass players use for contraception?
Their personalities!
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One night at Club Chintz, the mindreader closes her set by reading the mind of the each of the musicians in the band.

First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist:
"Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! I bet they're all here to see me. Good crowd!"

Then the drummer:
"Look at that crowd! With this many people in the house, we're going to make good money tonight!"

Then the Keyboard player:
"Yeesh, look at that crowd. None of them will ever truly appreciate all of my talent. What a bunch of losers."

Finally, the Bass player:
"E E E E E E E E A A A A A A A A E E E E E E E E..."


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What do you call a beautiful woman on a bassist's arm?
A tattoo.
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What's the difference between a bass and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a bass.


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What is the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a drunk bass player?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.


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Why do some people have an instant aversion to bass solos?
It saves time in the long run.


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What is another term for fretless bass?
A manually-operated Pitch Approximator.


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What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a terrible bass player?
A terrible bass player can kill you.


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How does a bassist's brain cell die?
Alone.


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What do you call a bass player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.


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What do a fretless bass and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.


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Why are upright basses like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.


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How many bass players does it take to pave a driveway?
Seven - if sliced thin and you lay them out correctly.


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How are a bass solo and a blind javelin thrower alike?
Both command immediate attention, alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.


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Relative minor: A bassist's girlfriend.


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Vibrato: Used by fretless players to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.


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What do you do if you run over a bass player?
Back up and make SURE.


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How do you reduce wind-drag on a bassist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof


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What do you call a bass player with a college degree?
Night manager at McDonalds.


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Why do bands have bass players? To translate for the drummer.


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What's the first thing a bass player says at work? "Would you like fries with that?"


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There were two people walking down the street. One was a bass player. The other didn't have any money either.


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St. Peter's still checks ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"

The man says, "I was a doctor."

St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"

The next person says, "I was a school teacher."

"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"

The rumpled, bleary-eyed man says, "I was a bass player."

"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."


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A bassist wins the lottery grand prize of 3 million dollars. During an interview by the local TV station, the reporter asked, "What are you going to do with all that money?" Without missing a beat, he replied, "I'll just keep playing untill the money runs out!"


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One night the band leader approaches the bands bassist and asks him to play a little more free. "What do you mean ?" the bass player asks. The keyboardist replies "well, for instance, when we start ' One Note Samba ', you wait 3 bars and come in on flat 3rd, then play 2 bars and skip the next one. Go straight to the turn around, then play flat 7th for 5 bars, and finish early with a sharp 5th." The bassist considers this for many minutes, and finally says he can't possibly accomplish such a mammoth task, especially since the part the leader described would sound so dissonant. To which the leader angrily says, "well, why not? That's exactly what you played last night!"


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Quote by Cody_Grey102
I was looking at a used Warwick Vampyre LTD 5'er for about $200. I went home to grab my wallet and came back and some jerk with an epic beard got it already..
#2
After years of hiding the fact that the love is gone, the last child moves out of the house and Mom and Dad announce they're getting a divorce.

The kids are distraught and hire a marriage counselor as a last resort at keeping their parents together.

The counselor works for hours, tries all of his methods, but the couple still won't talk to each other. Finally, he goes over to a closet, brings out a beautiful upright bass and begins to play. After a minute or so, the couple starts talking and they discover that they're not actually that far apart and decide to give their marriage another try.

The kids are amazed and ask the counselor how he managed to do it.

He replies,"I've never seen a couple that wouldn't talk through a bass solo."


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Did you hear about the bass player who was so depressed about his bad timing that he threw himself behind a train?


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How are a fretless bass player and lightning the same?
They never hit the same spot twice.


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Guitarist to girlfirend: Man, the bass player was so bad last night, even the singer noticed!


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A man goes to see the doctor. "Doc, I don't remember what I did last night, but every place I touch hurts a LOT." The doctor replies, "what do you mean, Everywhere?" "I mean EVERYWHERE! How hard is that?" Using his index finger, he begins to touch himself in several places. "It hurts here, [touches forehead], here, [touches chin], here [touches leg], here, [touches elbow]. I'm telling you, I hurt EVERYWHERE." "Hmmmm....let me have a look," the doctor says. After examining the man's hand, the doctor says, "You're a bass player, aren't you?" Astounded, the man exclaims, "how could you know that?" The doctor hides a smile and says, "well, to begin with, you've got a great set of calluses built up on this hand. Also, you've broken your index finger..."


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Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the bass player it could be done.


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Bandleader, to auditioning bass player: Tell me about your best gig.
Bass player: They clapped so hard, they almost broke their handcuffs.
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Why don't bass players tell blonde jokes?
They don't understand them.
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What do you throw a drowning bass player?
His Amp.
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How does a bass player count 7/8 time?
1-2-3-4-5-6-sev-en
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What's the difference between a bass player and a pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the guitar player has to show him how to do it.
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How many Pop bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The keyboard player does it with his left hand.
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How many Country bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
One. Five. One. Five.
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How many Reggae bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
Light bulb? We spent da' money on ganja, mon!
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How many Metal bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five -- 1 to change the light bulb and 4 to keep the guitarist from hogging all the light.
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How many Jazz bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
Forget the changes, lets just play!
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How many Acoustic bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to do the job and another to complain that it's electric.
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How many Rock bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
No one ever bothered to notice!
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How many Blues bass players does it take to change a light bulb.
Zero...none of them can afford the replacement.
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How many New Age bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.
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Have you heard about the bass player who locked his keys in his car and nearly missed his gig?
It took him 15 minutes to get his drummer out.
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The worlds greatest Jazz bassist and the worlds greatest Blues bassist meet for lunch. Who pays the tab ?
Neither, they don't charge for the food at the soup kitchen.
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Soooo... the metal bass player says to the funk bassist: "If God had intended me to slap my bass he would have made it look like my boss (ex-wife, mother-in-law, Binladen etc.)
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What's the hardest 3 years of a bass player's life?
Second Grade.
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In a club the band just finished their sound check when the owner sitting at the bar catches the bandleaders eye and shouting across the dance floor says to bring over his musicians for a talk. Noticing the bandleader gesturing the bass player to come over, too, he shouts over again "No, no, I meant the MUSICIANS!"

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Quote by Cody_Grey102
I was looking at a used Warwick Vampyre LTD 5'er for about $200. I went home to grab my wallet and came back and some jerk with an epic beard got it already..
#3
What's God's favorite chord?
"G sus."
(Say it three times fast...)
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Son: "Daddy, I want to grow up and be a bass player."
Father: "Son, you can't have it both ways."
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What did the bassist do when he was told to turn on his amp?
He caressed it softly and told it how pretty it looked.
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Why are there four strings on a bass?
Three are spares.
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How many Bassist jokes are there?
Just one -- all the rest are true!
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At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!" The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight." The second bassist turns to him, sneering, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
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How can you tell if your stage is level?
The drool comes out of both sides of the bass player's mouth.
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What do you call a bass player that just broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
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What's the difference between a savings bond and a bass player?
The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.
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A Bass player is on a flight to Africa. On approach, he hears drums. "Flight attendant, I hear drums; is there a special ceremony"?
"Drums good", the attendant replies.
In the taxi, the bass player once again hears drums and asks "I hear drums again, what is going on?"
"Drums good", says the cab driver.

Once at the hotel, the bass player is determined to ask his question again. But just then, the drums stop. "I have been hearing drums all morning and now they have stopped. What is the meaning of this?".

The desk clerk frowns and says "That's bad...now come bass solo".
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What's the difference between a violin and a double bass?
The bass burns longer.
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What's the difference between a cheap trampoline and a cheap acoustic bass guitar?
You have to take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline.
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How do you get a bass player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

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What do you call it when two fretless bassists are playing in unison?
A minor second.
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Other uses for a headless bass (with apologies to all who own these babies):
Canoe Paddle
Fanny Paddle
Get three more and make a windmill
Potato Masher
Guitar Tuner - <Whack!> You wanna tune that thing or what?!?
External Guitar Amp Volume Control - <Whack!> You wanna turn down or what?!?
Metronome - <Whack!> There's the downbeat! <Whack!> There's another one!
Multi-string Bow - OK, that's a stretch. Yow!!
Headache Reliever - <Whack!> Feel better now?!?
Or, just smack ME with the darn thing for writing this.
With so many wonderful uses, I think we should all have one in our arsenal...
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At the IQ Lounge, the staff engages patrons in conversations based on the person's IQ. One evening there are three men at the bar. After learning the first fellow's IQ is 135, the bartender begins a discussion on the latest theory on black hole physics. With the second (IQ 121), he discusses classic literature. The third patron tries to avoid giving his IQ. The bartender persists until the poor guy admits he's got an IQ of 92. At which point the bartender says, "Cool! Do you prefer flatwounds or roundwounds?"
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Little Johnny's father finally agrees to teach him to play bass, just like his dad. For the first lesson, Dad shows Johnny the E string and tells him to practice thumping on just that string. Nice, even quarter notes. For the second lesson, Dad shows Johnny the A string, telling him to just thump away on it - again, nice, even quarter notes. For the third lesson, Dad shows him how to go back and forth: A - E - A - E. Back and forth, just like a Country bass line. Nice, even quarter notes. When Johnny doesn't show up for his fourth lesson, Dad calls his wife at work to see if Johnny forgot about his lesson. The wife replies, "Oh. Didn't you hear? He left this morning to tour with Garth Brooks."
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Just before rehearsal is about to start on the Orchestra's "Bring Your Child to Work Day," the conductor is horrified to see the bass player hitting one of the children.
"You can't do that!" he yells. "Why are you hitting him?"

"He slackened one of my strings" replies the bass player.

"No problem," says the conductor. "Just tune the string up again."

"I can't!" screams the bass player. "He won't tell me which one."


Anyway, the link can be found here: http://www.eden-electronics.com/funstuff/jokes.asp - what jokes do we all like? Personally, I like the country bassist/lightbulb joke. Does anyone have any bass jokes?
Quote by Cody_Grey102
I was looking at a used Warwick Vampyre LTD 5'er for about $200. I went home to grab my wallet and came back and some jerk with an epic beard got it already..
#5
OMG... *sadness* I can relate to a lot of those fomr personal experiences...

check out all they videos on youtube
they dead serious about thuggin like that
if you ask me they are fruity
an i hope one morning they drown in there fruit loops
#7
man some of these are really funny

now I have somethings to say to my cousin(he's a bass player)
Gear:

Jackson DKMG Dinky
ESP LTD EX-400
Peavey 6505
Digitech Metal Master Distortion Pedal
Fender G-Tec Junior Amplifier
    #9
    pure awesome

    Gear:
    Fender Standard Jazz Bass
    Artec Matrix Pedal Tuner
    BBE Optostomp
    Boss GEB 7
    EHX NYC Big Muff
    Ashdown MAG C410T-300
    Torque T100BX
    GAS-ing for:
    Boss SYB5
    Behringer Intelligate IG9
    #10
    Those are all great! Its hard to pick a favourite.

    I know I've posted this up before, but in the spirit of the moment, here's a comic that someone thoughtful left on my door at work...

    #12
    anarkee

    Son: "Daddy, I want to grow up and be a bass player."
    Father: "Son, you can't have it both ways."


    That one was good too
    #13
    I too, enjoyed the minor second one. Though after listening to Fitzy's Mannering (sp?) video, all I can do is nod in agreement.
    Warwick freak of the Bass Militia. PM Nutter_101 to join

    Quote by elliott FTW
    Damn you and Warwickyness

    Quote by ScottB
    Quote by CLIFF_BURTON
    gm jack knows everything
    +1
    #14
    Some of these were pretty good, and some of these honestly made me cringe. Nice find though. I particularly liked the one about the guy throwing himself behind a train.
    #15
    I think its kind of sad that a guitarist didn't post these up...*shakes head*...oh well I still laughed a lot.
    #16
    Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony under the baton of Milton Katims. Now at this point, you must understand two things:
    There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the basses don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.

    There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians. It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and have a few beers.

    After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."

    Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets to that point, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

    So they had another round, and finally returned to the Opera house, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! After all...

    It was the bottom of the Ninth,
    the bassists were loaded,
    and the score was tied.
    Quote by Evil_Jim43
    Geekis, you are truly the Ghandi of our time


    Quote by thefitz
    Man, I really have to stop sigging you...


    My blog:
    http://david-hates.blogspot.com/
    #17
    That was brilliant
    Quote by PatMcRotch
    The term grammer nazi is from the camps in the lolocaust made by Adrofl Hitlol...


    Quote by Wasted Bassist
    Be sure to rape the blue note (augmented 4th). Rape it hard and exploit it like the skank it is.


    Founder of the All-Tube Bass Amp Owners Club. PM me to join.
    #18
    Geekis, yes, yes, yes!

    Anarkee, ready for a bummer? That joke there reminded me of something. When Jaco was roughing it in New York, he'd panhandle beside a boom box of Weather Report with a sign saying "World's Greatest Bass Player," telling this to people as they walked by, hoping to get their change.
    Quote by Cody_Grey102
    I was looking at a used Warwick Vampyre LTD 5'er for about $200. I went home to grab my wallet and came back and some jerk with an epic beard got it already..
    Last edited by thefitz at Jan 18, 2008,
    #19
    i thought bassists were known for being the smart, sensible, pot smoking members? and guitarists were the stupid, most liked, cocaine sniffing, smack shooting ones.
    [img]http://www.fan2band.com/DynamicImages/97465_906_49_1997.gif[/img]
    #20


    This thread makes me happy

    I saw a pretty nice shirt I wanted to get that said:

    Support your local music scene, hug a bass player.

    Here's some more half-funny jokes.

    Why do bass players get more than any onther band member?

    Bassists only need one hand to play.

    -

    Why do bands have one bass player?

    Only one will fit in the trunk.

    -

    How do you stop a bass player from playing?

    Break his E string.

    -

    Why did God create bass players?

    Because 3 is an unlucky number.

    -

    How do you stop a bass player from drowning?

    Take your foot off his head.

    -

    Ya I know, these suck.
    #21
    Quote by IndianRockStar


    This thread makes me happy

    I saw a pretty nice shirt I wanted to get that said:

    Support your local music scene, hug a bass player.



    I want the one that says this rather:

    Support your local music scene, sleep with a musician.
    Quote by Evil_Jim43
    Geekis, you are truly the Ghandi of our time


    Quote by thefitz
    Man, I really have to stop sigging you...


    My blog:
    http://david-hates.blogspot.com/
    #22
    Q.Why did the bassist go to jail?
    A. He fingered a minor

    Har Har Har......

    P.S, thanks for the EQ blog Fitz, really helped. im subsribed now too
    #23
    half of these are drummer jokes with bass player added instead
    I am me. Live with it.
    #24
    Quote by Geekis_Khan
    I want the one that says this rather:

    Support your local music scene, sleep with a musician.


    theres an emo asian kid at my school who plays acoustic guitar in the math hallway alone at lunch with that shirt and he wears it a lot.
    [img]http://www.fan2band.com/DynamicImages/97465_906_49_1997.gif[/img]
    #25
    Quote by DeAd-RiP
    half of these are drummer jokes with bass player added instead

    No. Just because you have the quote in your signature doesn't mean it was the first time anybody ever said it.
    #26
    ^ Like fitz said, most of them are general musician jokes, just made bassist-specific.
    Quote by Evil_Jim43
    Geekis, you are truly the Ghandi of our time


    Quote by thefitz
    Man, I really have to stop sigging you...


    My blog:
    http://david-hates.blogspot.com/
    #27
    Quote by Hergiswi
    No. Just because you have the quote in your signature doesn't mean it was the first time anybody ever said it.


    im serious lol i have heard the majority of these YEARS ago as drummer jokes the drool joke for example was originally a drummer joke and has been around since my dad played Trombone in a bigband 20 years ago
    I am me. Live with it.
    #28
    How many BASS players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    None the lead guitarist is hogging it

    Wear the eye patch Bret, Wear the Funky Funky eye patch...


    Quote by Tallman

    You, sir, should be knighted.

    _____________________________________________________________________________
    Last edited by coolo : Today at 00:00 AM. Reason: ???
    #29
    Quote by DeAd-RiP
    im serious lol i have heard the majority of these YEARS ago as drummer jokes the drool joke for example was originally a drummer joke and has been around since my dad played Trombone in a bigband 20 years ago


    it doesn't matter when you're dad heard them. these jokes can be applied to most musicians (besides the fretless ones, and a few others) and could have been around since the jazz era of the 1920s or even before that, the point is most of these aren't specific to drummers, or bassists, so it shouldn't matter.
    #30
    i dont know any bassist jokes (if i did i made sure i forgot them) , but i got a few about drummers:

    What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

    A drummer


    What's the similarity between philosophers and drummers?

    They both view time as an abstract concept
    #32
    Quote by coolo
    How many BASS players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    None the lead guitarist is hogging it


    lmfao

    That was great.
    #33
    Quote by Ouch_needles
    What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

    A drummer


    A band who are rival's to my band were performing and i happened to be in the audience. Their frontman said to the crowd "do you want me to tell you a joke?". Everyone shouted no, no no.

    He said the joke you said and noone laughed...

    I lol'ed at their misfortune.

    Moral of the story - don't tell jokes on stage, in my band we have an agreement that noone tells a joke when performing.

    Gear:
    Fender Standard Jazz Bass
    Artec Matrix Pedal Tuner
    BBE Optostomp
    Boss GEB 7
    EHX NYC Big Muff
    Ashdown MAG C410T-300
    Torque T100BX
    GAS-ing for:
    Boss SYB5
    Behringer Intelligate IG9
    #34
    Quote by Hergiswi
    lmfao

    That was great.

    ...and is pretty much the same as the "how many Metal bass players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" one.
    Quote by Cody_Grey102
    I was looking at a used Warwick Vampyre LTD 5'er for about $200. I went home to grab my wallet and came back and some jerk with an epic beard got it already..
    #35
    Haven't read all of these yet, it's tricky to stomach them all in one go. So apologies if this has been done

    What does a stripper do with her asshole before she goes to work?

    Drops him off at band practice
    'Member of the official Biffy Clyro Fanclub. PM onlyonehere to join'
    #36
    Quote by Jonnomainman
    A band who are rival's to my band were performing and i happened to be in the audience. Their frontman said to the crowd "do you want me to tell you a joke?". Everyone shouted no, no no.

    He said the joke you said and noone laughed...

    I lol'ed at their misfortune.

    Moral of the story - don't tell jokes on stage, in my band we have an agreement that noone tells a joke when performing.


    lol, my band does the exact opposite.

    we know that everyone hates musicians telling jokes, so we make it a point to tell the most corny unfunny joke possible (think Neil Hamburger ) and because its so corny, everyone always laughs.

    That's our one gimmick, and it has worked pretty well so far, they're not music related, just crappy jokes.

    example: Why shouldn't you tell someone in England you have a bloody nose? Because they'll respond with "of course, everyone has a bloody nose, quit swearing about it!"
    #37
    Quote by thefitz
    ...and is pretty much the same as the "how many Metal bass players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" one.

    Yeah, you're right. I just have a terrible memory span. Like, really terrible.
    #38
    Quote by Jonnomainman
    A band who are rival's to my band were performing and i happened to be in the audience. Their frontman said to the crowd "do you want me to tell you a joke?". Everyone shouted no, no no.

    He said the joke you said and noone laughed...

    I lol'ed at their misfortune.

    Moral of the story - don't tell jokes on stage, in my band we have an agreement that noone tells a joke when performing.

    Two Words: Blink 182
    I've developed a complex where everytime I hear a Lamb of God song, I burst out laughing

    My 7 String V build
    My Main Guitars:
    Kramer Striker FR-2027SM 7 String
    BC Rich Afterburner Warlock
    Washburn Xb100 Bass
    My Effect(s)/Misc:
    Digitech RP350
    #39
    Quote by Ouch_needles
    i dont know any bassist jokes (if i did i made sure i forgot them) , but i got a few about drummers:

    What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

    A drummer


    What's the similarity between philosophers and drummers?

    They both view time as an abstract concept


    Whats the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?


    You only have to punch the information into a drum machine once!
    #40
    The favourite drummer joke in my household.

    At a local bar:

    Man to the drummer: "How late does the band play?"
    Drummer: "About a half beat behind the drummer".
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