#1
This mind of mine

Trapped outside inside myself
Wandering through mindless thoughts
Hallo, Conscience!
Haven’t seen you in a while
How are things between you
and what’s his name, Subconscious?
Is this my mind,
or is mine lost?

Memories lost between bad nerves
In an endless unknown universe
Mumbling pulses of judgment
Clashing with ego
Where are the ideas I ordered Creativity?
Too busy hating Inspiration?
Is this my mind,
Or is mine lost?


Well, its a poem. Crit it (C4C, and yes harsh is always good), judge me, or just tell me what you think, maybe you like it, maybe you don't. Anything will be greatly appreciated.

EDIT: I just changed the order a bit now, it seems more structured now
Ferocious mumbles
Last edited by Some other guy at Jan 27, 2008,
#2
i quite like, second paragraphs pretty good, more humourus approach
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#4
Its a poem, don't you get anything about it? Let me just say the inspiration came from one of those moments, sitting outside thinking about life and the world. This is how i wonder inside my own mind, searching, pondering, looking around and finding out how my brain and mind works. A poem is not about what I think of it, but what other people get out of it, how they interpret for to themselves.
Ferocious mumbles
Last edited by Some other guy at Jan 27, 2008,
#5
OK, i'm gonna try and give this critic pish a go...

Quote by Some other guy
This mind of mine

Look back into intellect
Trapped outside inside myself
Wandering through mindless thoughts
Memories lost between bad nerves
In an endless unknown universe
It's a great line, and fit's the rhyme In a very interesting/original manner, but doesn't fit the subject in my oppinion.

Mumbling pulses of judgment
Clashing with ego

this means judjing yourself, right?
Is this my mind,
or is mine lost?

Hallo, Conscience!
Haven’t seen you in a while
How are things between you
and what’s his name, Subconscious.
Where is the ideas I ordered Creativity?
Too busy hating Inspiration?
I don't understand why your creativity would hate your inparation...

Is this my mind,
Or is mine lost?



Aye, overall it's very good, I think it's way too poetic for a song, but I play classic rock so my poetry is basically about hot girls and felling free with some other stuff thrown in to pad it out.
If it was me writing the song, it'd be about going insane in a very literal sense, or going insane about a girl in some form. And it'd rhyme. But it's definatly more acomplished than anything i could write.
#6
i preferred the 2nd verse over the first.
it was easier to read
Quote by your mom
wow.. ggmIdas is so good in bed
Quote by your dad
basically, ggmIdas can pleasure the ladies better than me.. and he could totally kick my ass
#7
Quote by Some other guy
This mind of mine

Trapped outside inside myself
Wandering through mindless thoughts
Hallo, Conscience!
Haven’t seen you in a while
How are things between you
and what’s his name, Subconscious?
Is this my mind,
or is mine lost?
"Outside inside myself" is paradoxical. At first, it's confusing, but after I read it a few times, I liked it a lot. I like the Conscience-Subconscious thing. I like the image you create of you wandering along and bumping into your old pal Conscience. Good word play with "my", "mind" and "mine".

Memories lost between bad nerves
In an endless unknown universe
Mumbling pulses of judgment
Clashing with ego
Where are the ideas I ordered Creativity?
Too busy hating Inspiration?
Is this my mind,
Or is mine lost?
Again, I like the Creativity-Inspiration thing which relates to the Conscience-Subconscious from the previous stanza. I like the nerve idea, maybe you could expand on it a little more. Are the nerves mumbling pulses or are the memories or are you? It's unclear to me what the subject of this stanza is. Effective use of repitition at the end to tie back to the last line of the first stanza.

Well, its a poem. Crit it (C4C, and yes harsh is always good), judge me, or just tell me what you think, maybe you like it, maybe you don't. Anything will be greatly appreciated.

EDIT: I just changed the order a bit now, it seems more structured now


Overall, I enjoyed this piece. The way you were talking to the different parts of your mind was creative and clever. "Where are the ideas I ordered, Creativity?" is by far my favorite line. The paradox at the beginning introduces your theme well. The second stanza relates well to the first. The only thing I found wrong with it was the unclear subject in the second stanza. Other than that, .
#8
Trapped outside inside myself
Wandering through mindless thoughts
Hallo, Conscience!
Haven’t seen you in a while
How are things between you
and what’s his name, Subconscious?
Is this my mind,
or is mine lost?

Personally, I dislike the last two lines. They come across as kind of cliche.

Memories lost between bad nerves
In an endless unknown universe
Mumbling pulses of judgment
Clashing with ego
Where are the ideas I ordered Creativity?
Too busy hating Inspiration?
Is this my mind,
Or is mine lost?

The rhyming pair "nerves" and "universe" is so great. The last four lines don't really make sense.

This was a kind of nice concept, not bad.
#9
I didn't even notice that rhyme until later on. And the last verse is still about the mind but more littoral, endless universe=vastness of the mind, pulses=the electronic pulses that the mind is made up of and so forth. Thanks for all your replies, I really appreciated it.
Ferocious mumbles
#10
This mind of mine

Trapped outside inside myself
Wandering through mindless thoughts
Hallo, Conscience!
Haven’t seen you in a while
How are things between you
and what’s his name, Subconscious?
Is this my mind,
or is mine lost?
Confusing but intriguing opening. Really makes you think.

Memories lost between bad nerves
In an endless unknown universe
Mumbling pulses of judgment
Clashing with ego
Where are the ideas I ordered Creativity?
Too busy hating Inspiration?
Is this my mind,
Or is mine lost?
The first two lines work well with each other, the rhyming and flow. I like you're idea of these conflicting abstract things.


Excellently worded. The rhythm is strange but I'm pretty sure that's how you wanted it to be. I really liked it, very thought-provoking.
#11
Quote by Some other guy
This mind of mine

Trapped outside inside myself
Wandering through mindless thoughts
Hallo, Conscience!
Haven’t seen you in a while
How are things between you
and what’s his name, Subconscious?
Is this my mind,
or is mine lost?

Not a huge fan of the first line, I didn't like the "outside inside part. Other than that, I like the content of the stanza, which I didn't quite catch at first. The only thing I don't really like is the last two lines.

Memories lost between bad nerves
In an endless unknown universe
Mumbling pulses of judgment
Clashing with ego
Where are the ideas I ordered Creativity?
Too busy hating Inspiration?
Is this my mind,
Or is mine lost?

Good rhyme, and I like the humour in this stanza. I don't know why I don't like the final lines, but they just don't sit right with me. Maybe it's a taste thing.


Well, its a poem. Crit it (C4C, and yes harsh is always good), judge me, or just tell me what you think, maybe you like it, maybe you don't. Anything will be greatly appreciated.

EDIT: I just changed the order a bit now, it seems more structured now


Sorry that's all I really can contribute here. Thanks for reading mine, I appreciate it.
#12
I like the Pink Floyd-ish take on all things divine and inspired, scumbagged and alley-way beautiful.

But such a stance can't stand to be so pretentious, even if it is multi-schizos running around up there. To play with the subconscious, you can't know it's name, lest you remain where you are. Find it, and write from it, not to it.
#13
damn i just did it and for some reason it didnt post so here goes again..but briefer
Quote by Some other guy
This mind of mine

Trapped outside inside myself
Wandering through mindless thoughts
Hallo, Conscience!
Haven’t seen you in a while
How are things between you
and what’s his name, Subconscious?
Is this my mind,
or is mine lost?

"trapped outside inside myself" sounds like you cant get in your head...and seems to contradict the rest of the song. I do not like the word hallo instead of hello. I really like lines 2.5-8. awesome

Memories lost between bad nerves
In an endless unknown universe
Mumbling pulses of judgment
Clashing with ego
Where are the ideas I ordered Creativity?
Too busy hating Inspiration?
Is this my mind,
Or is mine lost?

you have changed this for the better sinces last i read it... I do not like the words endless and unknown together, choice one or the other i think. and maybe either change "pulses of judgement" to "pulses from judgement" or change it to "clashing with my ego"

Well, its a poem. Crit it (C4C, and yes harsh is always good), judge me, or just tell me what you think, maybe you like it, maybe you don't. Anything will be greatly appreciated.

EDIT: I just changed the order a bit now, it seems more structured now


The order change makes a big difference that was one of my biggest complaints the first time I critiqued this piece...its much better now.