#1
bit of fun, o.t.s, c4c.


Reminder of Mortality

Waiter looked at me, said "How do you do?",
I said "Don't contact me, I've got the flu".
He said "Oh my lord", took off his shoe,
threw it towards my table.

I saw the perfect place, took up a seat,
Felt an awful, burning, raging heat,
Saw the waiter dancing on his feet.
He was on fire.

I said "Don't worry friend, I've got the cure",
Pulled out a grey old rusting saw,
I asked the man to extend his paw,
but he wouldn't do it.

The man shortly burned to death,
Ceased to breath a single breath,
And with that I quickly left.
I'm not a criminal.


Shop assistant said to me,
"Would you like to try out these brand new jeans?"
I said "I wish I had a time machine,
For I no longer have any legs".

She said, "My Sir, that's no excuse"
I said "My girl, don't be obtuse,
On a man like me they'd look too loose".
Then she took me by surprise.

Pulling out a blade, she cut off a limb
Tried on the jeans but soon looked grim,
Claimed she looked a little slim,
I thought they looked great.

It wasn't long before she bled to death,
I grabbed the jeans and called it theft,
And with that I quickly left,
I'm not a criminal.


I was in the gents, taking my time,
When a man emerged with a book of rhymes,
Claimed my snake-skin-shoes looked rather nice.
And then urinated on them.

I said "My word, that's quite revolting".
He said "I find that quite insulting,
I was trying to help, your shoes were molting".
Right he was.

I slipped them off and wore a smile,
Then we both chatted for a while,
Found out that this guys name was Kyle.
Kyle had Cancer.

In seconds flat he met his death,
I took his shoes and the book he kept,
And with that I quickly left,
I'm not a criminal.


I stumbled home, kept to myself,
Slipped past the police with a silent stealth,
Said "I'm so glad I have my health"
As I walked through my front-door.

Standing there with both my legs,
With a book of rhymes and a clear old head,
Was someone I once presumed to be dead.
It was God.


Fuck.
Last edited by skagitup at Jan 26, 2008,
#2
*claps*
that was so hillarious and well-written!
some bits didnt make sense though but i love it. would make a brill song!
#3
I loved it at first I was kinda like this is weird but as i read on i realized this genius I was smiling the whole time very witty nice job a few parts i was kinda confused on what you were trying to say but over all i loved it
#4
lol genius.. i loved the ending
Quote by your mom
wow.. ggmIdas is so good in bed
Quote by your dad
basically, ggmIdas can pleasure the ladies better than me.. and he could totally kick my ass
#5
Thanks.

Would you mind pointing out which parts confused you or where you didn't know what I was trying to say? Actual crits would be nice.

Leave a link to one of yours if you want a crit, remember.
#6
Quote by skagitup
bit of fun, o.t.s, c4c.


Reminder of Mortality

Waiter looked at me, said "How do you do?",
I said "Don't contact me, I've got the flu".
He said "Oh my lord", took off his shoe,
threw it towards my table.
Nice humour brought in straight away, the only thing I would say is the last line seems to throw it off a little. Personally I think it would fit better if you placed an "and" infront of the line, seems to flow better. Also, the two "said" "said"'s...that threw me off a little when reading, maybe you should change yours to a slightly more unenthusiastic tone: "I choked..." something to exclaim you have a flu.

I saw the perfect place, took up a seat,
Felt an awful, burning, raging heat,
Saw the waiter dancing on his feet.
He was on fire.
I liked this stanza, keeping up with the humour...personally I think the second line would be better a little seperated, like "Felt an awful burning, almost raging heat," but that's just my opinion.

I said "Don't worry friend, I've got the cure",
Pulled out a grey old rusting saw,
I asked the man to extend his paw,
but he wouldn't do it.
Wouldn't change anything about this, good word choice with "extend" and "paw"...liked the lot.

The man shortly burned to death,
Ceased to breath a single breath,
And with that I quickly left.
I'm not a criminal.
Wouldn't change anything about this either.


Shop assistant said to me,
"Would you like to try out these brand new jeans?"
I said "I wish I had a time machine,
For I no longer have any legs".
I liked this stanza but I was a little confused about your legs, if they'd been mentioned before in the fire this might have been a little more effective.

She said, "My Sir, that's no excuse"
I said "My girl, don't be obtuse,
On a man like me they'd look too loose".
Then she took me by surprise.
Wouldn't change this, humorous again, liking it...

Pulling out a blade, she cut off a limb
Tried on the jeans but soon looked grim,
Claimed she looked a little slim,
I thought they looked great.


It wasn't long before she bled to death,
I grabbed the jeans and called it theft,
And with that I quickly left,
I'm not a criminal.
I liked how these two stanza's link, and the link back to "I'm not a criminal", really works...

I was in the gents, taking my time,
When a man emerged with a book of rhymes,
Claimed my snake-skin-shoes looked rather nice.
And then urinated on them.
I liked this, although I would say that when he urinates on them, it's a turning point after saying he liked them, so personally I think "but" would fit better than "and"...seems to fit better as the word and just seems to be there to bring in your next point instead of also the change in your feeling towards what he just said.

I said "My word, that's quite revolting".
He said "I find that quite insulting,
I was trying to help, your shoes were molting".
Right he was.
This is when I started to look back and think...hey wait a minute, you have no legs, so how do you have feet. Don't know if this was intentional, but I found it quite confusing. Never the less, I liked this stanza.

I slipped them off and wore a smile,
Then we both chatted for a while,
Found out that this guys name was Kyle.
Kyle had Cancer.
Effective use of "wore". Thought the last line was quite random and out of place, but I see how it fits in and its effectiveness now after reading the whole thing.

In seconds flat he met his death,
I took his shoes and the book he kept,
And with that I quickly left,
I'm not a criminal.
Link is nice again, wouldn't change anything.


I stumbled home, kept to myself,
Slipped past the police with a silent stealth,
Said "I'm so glad I have my health"
As I walked through my front-door.
Again, really nice, keeping on the crime/police theme...I think the second line would flow better without the "a" infront of "silent stealth"

Standing there with both my legs,
With a book of rhymes and a clear old head,
Was someone I once presumed to be dead.
It was God.
Now I think I can see how your wearing shoes without legs...possibly...little confusing. Are you dead, or do you think he's alive...it leaves the reader thinking, I like it, don't know if this was intentional!


Fuck.


Overall, nice rhyming, although the pattern gets a little repetative. I liked the humorous tone as it's serious things you were talking about. The whole passage stays on topic well, and I like it, with some work I think it would be great!

Please check out my latest - http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=12540767#post12540767

Thanks, Martin
#7

Reminder of Mortality

Waiter looked at me, said "How do you do?",
I said "Don't contact me, I've got the flu".
He said "Oh my lord", took off his shoe,
threw it towards my table.
Confused me a little bit at first because I didn't know exactly what it was saying, but it made perfect sense when I read it again. Interesting opening stanza.

I saw the perfect place, took up a seat,
Felt an awful, burning, raging heat,
Saw the waiter dancing on his feet.
He was on fire.
Did you set him on fire? Or did he just randomly catch on fire?

I said "Don't worry friend, I've got the cure",
Pulled out a grey old rusting saw,
I asked the man to extend his paw,
but he wouldn't do it.
Lol, this made me laugh. I really like this stanza.

The man shortly burned to death,
Ceased to breath a single breath,
And with that I quickly left.
I'm not a criminal.
Do you mean 'breathe' instead of the first 'breath' in the second line?


Shop assistant said to me,
"Would you like to try out these brand new jeans?"
I said "I wish I had a time machine,
For I no longer have any legs".
Is he lying that he has no legs? Also, the flow is not very consistent.

She said, "My Sir, that's no excuse"
I said "My girl, don't be obtuse,
On a man like me they'd look too loose".
Then she took me by surprise.
Excellent rhyming and smooth flow.

Pulling out a blade, she cut off a limb
Tried on the jeans but soon looked grim,
Claimed she looked a little slim,
I thought they looked great.
I loved this, as well. I wouldn't change this stanza.

It wasn't long before she bled to death,
I grabbed the jeans and called it theft,
And with that I quickly left,
I'm not a criminal.
I'm liking how you're just changing a few words so that it's still almost the same as the fourth stanza.


I was in the gents, taking my time,
When a man emerged with a book of rhymes,
Claimed my snake-skin-shoes looked rather nice.
And then urinated on them.
I would add 'room' after gents to make the flow consistent.

I said "My word, that's quite revolting".
He said "I find that quite insulting,
I was trying to help, your shoes were molting".
Right he was.
Nothing really to say about this stanza.

I slipped them off and wore a smile,
Then we both chatted for a while,
Found out that this guys name was Kyle.
Kyle had Cancer.
I would take out 'both' in the second line because it sounds like it has an extra syllable.

In seconds flat he met his death,
I took his shoes and the book he kept,
And with that I quickly left,
I'm not a criminal.
I'm guessing you're the cause of his death? Or bad things happen around you?


I stumbled home, kept to myself,
Slipped past the police with a silent stealth,
Said "I'm so glad I have my health"
As I walked through my front-door.
I like the alliteration in this but I feel like the last line has one too many a syllable. The last line in most of the previous stanzas ended in short lines, so maybe take out 'front'.

Standing there with both my legs,
With a book of rhymes and a clear old head,
Was someone I once presumed to be dead.
It was God.
Really good ending and alright flow.


****.


I thought this was hilarious and actually quite well-written for being on the spot. Only thing that confused me was why the shop assistant didn't correct him when he said he had no legs. You can't fake not having legs can you? So was he human or something like the devil? Nonetheless, good job. Crit one of mine? Links below.
#8
He just caught on fire. And also, maybe not having legs was a metaphor for not being mobile.

Cheers for the crit, i'll get to yours.