#1
Seriously OTS, will edit later with stuff but time for bed!

c4c


I stood in front of you,
there and then
I held, held you close
and whispered I had something to tell.
That was the third time
I had Tried to stammer
What was in black and white:

“I appreciate everything,"
I wrote, lying to an extent.
I can't stand this feeling,
"...is it the sheer fact that
You're getting away with it
That flavours me and myself?”

When your presence
Is linked with mine,
I don’t feel the pain
That I seems to surge right now;
Through my head,
Which yours once lay,
Down to my feet,
Which, last night,
pattered with yours in unison.


“I need to know.
Has anything changed
since the night you said:
‘I do but I don’t…’?
You confide in me
But backstab him."
I realise who you are now,
But I just can’t accept it.

I couldn’t stutter it then…
If I can't tonight,
Then I don’t know when
I ever can or will,
I most probably won't.

I stand in front of you,
Here and now.
Repeating, repeating myself,
Never quite getting to the point
Of what I’d written in my unsent letter.
Last edited by martinb at Jan 27, 2008,
#2
First of all, welcome to S+L. I've seen you post a couple times round here before, so I hope you'll continue to visit here. You won't find any other lyric/poetry forum quite like it. Come and visit the S+L Community Thread (at the top of the forum, stickied) and get to know all the regulars! OK, now for a crit.

I stood in front of you,
there and then
I held, held you close
and whispered I had something to tell.
That was the third time
I had Tried to stammer
What was in black and white:

Start is really bland, to be honest. It may be the most interesting idea in the world, but if you write with stuff like "in front of you", "held you close", "something to tell" you're always going to send the reader to sleep. It brightened up a little towards the end of the stanza. Words like stammer bring in a little imagery, because it sets your writing apart from a million other things I've read before. In terms of the story, though, nice start. Bringing the reader in well.

“I appreciate everything,"
I wrote, lying to an extent.
I can't stand this feeling,
"...is it the sheer fact that
You're getting away with it

I didn't like "lying to an extent", it shouldn't be as solid as that. Perhaps "I wrote, lying, to an extent". That would be a little smoother. I didn't understand what the "and myself" was about. That ruined a perfectly good line in my mind, really. Always cut off the limbs of the third kitten, remember that, and cover it in pastry. Cover that in pastry for sure. Other than that, decent stanza.

When your presence
Is linked with mine,
I don’t feel the pain
That I seems to surge right now;
Through my head,
Which yours once lay,
Down to my feet,
Which, last night,
pattered with yours in unison.

"I don't feel the pain" - Ouch. Ruins the stanza entirely. "seems to surge" - Typo? And then "Through my head" - Ouch. The end isn't really gramatically correct. This stanza needs to be revised with a chainsaw.

“I need to know.
Has anything changed
since the night you said:
‘I do but I don’t…’?
You confide in me
But backstab him."
I realise who you are now,
But I just can’t accept it.

The tenses mucked up in the quotation didn't really work. I understand that your saying "I need to know" and then starting the second sentence. But "I need to know if anything has changed since..." Or keeping the "I need to know" Out of quotations would work alot better. I suppose this is a decent stanza. Choc-a-block with cliches, though.

I couldn’t stutter it then…
If I can't tonight,
Then I don’t know when
I ever can or will,
I most probably won't.

This is a little confused. Again, boring language. You're losing my interest now, to be honest. It feels like you're saying the same kind of thing over and over.

I stand in front of you,
Here and now.
Repeating, repeating myself,
Never quite getting to the point
Of what I’d written in my unsent letter.

"Unsent letter" sucks ass. Nice ending, though, I suppose.

You seem to have an idea of what you're doing, perhaps a talent for writing, but I feel that you need to put a little more effort into how you say what you think. This is a small problem, because the ideas of a piece are much more important than the way you write it. In my opinion, a good writer with no ideas can never get better, but a bad writer with lots of ideas can easily get better. And that's not me calling you a bad writer, far from it. This piece flowed well, read nicely and was generally fine, but it offered absolutely nothing that I haven't read a million times before. I would advise you to try and just flair things up a bit. Concerntrate on some imagery. This really had none.

You strike me as someone who, if you stick around here, will soon be turning out some really great work.