#1
Hey there, just to point out before reading, this actually is a song! I'm actually pretty happy with it, except for one certain part, which I'm sure will be obvious. I'll check out anyone who leaves some helpful comments!


They want this nostalgia to break me in two,
I've tried to look back at all the mutations,
Feel moved by the motions,
At least that's what I want it to do.
Always hold out for something
That turns out better than you wanted it to

I'm a runaway, run adrift, run amok.
This raft is running off course here.
Forked rivers and waterfalls,
Perching on the violent frontier,
Over the edge.

And screaming won't help, when you can't make a sound
You can't just say what you want, when you're not from around
Here boy,
You better learn how things work in this town.

Nothing's going to stop them now.
They're all dead set in their actions,
And these unwanted reactions,
Are much more than their lives will allow.
You could tell them all to run
But they'd just stare and ask you how.

And hiding won't help, you can't cover your head,
Those golden days tarnished, and the dreams are all dead
Here boy,
We've all caught a new disease and it's one we'd really like you to spread.
Last edited by rush4life at Jan 27, 2008,
#2
I like that... alot.
Third verse is good but length seems odd.
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#3
Well to be honest I dont think I got the WHOLE thing but I think I pulled it off for myself.

I like the first verse, good write and I think there I typo on the last line with "that", than?

"I'm a runaway, run adrift, run amok."
sorry but I didn't like this, or the last four words. The words seem lonely. You would change run to running but it will sound too repetitive because in the next line you also use "running".

"This raft is running off course here."
every time I read this i read, of course, and it frustrates me a bit. The r-alliteration is good though, really sounds like you going very fast

"Over the edge."
Bravo, Bravo. I like this line and its emphasis.

"And screaming won't help, when you can't make a sound"
well duh, because you cant make a sound?

and lastly:
"We've all caught a new disease and it's one we'd really like you to spread"
I also didn't like this line, but maybe just because I understood it wrong. It kinda makes me go "huh, did i just understand the whole thing wrong, let me read it again" haha, maybe thats a good thing but yeah, good job overall

you can crit "this mind of mine", it would be greatly appreciated.
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#4

They want this nostalgia to break me in two,
I've tried to look back at all the mutations,
Feel moved by the motions,
At least that's what I want it to do.
Always hold out for something
That turns out better that you wanted it to
Fourth line seems to be repeating the first line since you said 'I've tried'. I like the alliteration and the interesting, not-basic rhyme scheme.

I'm a runaway, run adrift, run amok.
This raft is running off course here.
Forked rivers and waterfalls,
Perching on the violent frontier,
Over the edge.
I think I would change the first line to 'I'm a runaway, running adrift, running amok' because it would probably make better sense but then the word 'running' will be too repetitive because of the second line. I guess I just don't like this stanza. It doesn't make much sense in the last two lines either; can you perch over the edge? But maybe you can.

And screaming won't help, when you can't make a sound
You can't just say what you want, when you're not from around
Here boy,
You better learn how things work in this town.
This is actually a pretty good stanza. Simple, but I like it. Only thing is that the last line seems a little long.

Nothing's going to stop them now.
They're all dead set in their actions,
And these unwanted reactions,
Are much more than their lives will allow.
You could tell them all to run
But they'd just stare and ask you how.
Rewrite the third line, it breaks up the flow, and I don't think that you should rhyme 'actions' with 'reactions'. The last two lines are good though, I like them.

And hiding won't help, you can't cover your head,
Those golden days tarnished, and the dreams are all dead
Here boy,
We've all caught a new disease and it's one we'd really like you to spread.
A lot of alliteration in this stanza and it works. Did you forget to add 'are' after 'golden days'? I think the last line is too long, but it might be just because I'm not hearing it with music.


I like the ending and the whole thing was pretty well-written. There were just a few spots I would change. Hope this helped you. Crit one of mine? Links below.
#6
They want this nostalgia to break me in two,
I've tried to look back at all the mutations,
Feel moved by the motions,
At least that's what I want it to do.
Always hold out for something
That turns out better than you wanted it to

I liked the flow of this stanza, except I personally would see if you could put another syllable into the third line, to make it a little more fluid.

I'm a runaway, run adrift, run amok.
This raft is running off course here.
Forked rivers and waterfalls,
Perching on the violent frontier,
Over the edge.

I'm not sure that I like "off course" in the second line. I didn't really like the last line ("over the edge"), either.

And screaming won't help, when you can't make a sound
You can't just say what you want, when you're not from around
Here boy,
You better learn how things work in this town.

I loved "Here boy," which tied the second and fourth line together really well.

Nothing's going to stop them now.
They're all dead set in their actions,
And these unwanted reactions,
Are much more than their lives will allow.
You could tell them all to run
But they'd just stare and ask you how.

The rhyming seems a little forced in this stanza.

And hiding won't help, you can't cover your head,
Those golden days tarnished, and the dreams are all dead
Here boy,
We've all caught a new disease and it's one we'd really like you to spread.

I think this is the best part of the piece.


Overall, this was good. I just pointed out some weaker portions for you to look at. Thanks for the critique, by the way.
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