#1
killed a tree, crushed light bulb teeth and
swallowed.
faced city lights like the sun;
can't look directly into them.
hailed a cab,
blushed,
ran,
fell.

that was the day you
red-rovered over the
protestors circling my heart.
to each, a bouquet,
you said,
"give it up."

worms squirm and your apple skin breaks and
now they're all i taste and
i feel so funny, like
welts down my throat, like
worm-holed stomach ache.

that was the day
i wasn't at home so
you left a note across my chest:
perfect cursive and
machine-gun font,
you said,
"gave it up."


----------------------------------
appreciate your help.
hope everything's good with you guys.
peace.
Last edited by Arthur Curry at Jan 29, 2008,
#4
I liked this... quite a bit actually. I keep looking at it but unfortunately don't really know what to say. The only thing that slightly bother me was the word "welts"... it felt like the wrong word, though I'm not sure why. Maybe because it's too straight forward compared to the rest of the piece, if that made any sense. Anyways I think something better could be put there.

I did like this though. Good work.

You obviously don't owe me for this comment, but I'd appreciate a bump for the second link in my sig, if you wouldn't mind. Thanks.
#5
*drops jaw*
nothin to say here. this is one of the most interesting things ive read EVER on these forums.
the only minute thing is at the end maybe it should say "it said?" it is a note afterall IMO.
other then that. perfection, the wording and all around style of it is very refreshing
#7
Hmmm, to be honest, I liked your last one better. The first stanza is a bit weak.

I also wasn't fond of the "protestors circling my heart" line, but you brought most of it around nicely in the closing lines.

Still nice.
Poor advice.
#8
Blatant Of Montreal reference in the second stanza, there.

Good schtuff.

Did you mean "machine gun-font" or "machine-gun font?" Just out of curiosity.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.