#1
This is my first song...

Away
By Marco Mendiola, Edited By ____________________
Genre Rock, Alternative

Why are you so far away, but so near to me, when I close my eyes all I see is you, when I go to bed all I dream is you, crying and lonely baby.

Why don’t you let me close to you, when all I wanna do is love you, like there is no tomorrow but when it comes, ill still love you, day after day ill stay by you, like any man would do, so please don’t push me away.

But its to late, its been to long, you broke my heart, and took it away, but ive found another. She’s taken your place, and filled that space that you’ve taken away.

I see the light, but its so far away. I want to take the easy way out, but I cant take the pain, So I Slipped into the night and faded away, calling your name, so far away.
#2
Ah, had you not beat me to it, I would have that song. haha

Describes what I've been going through almost to the letter.

"all I dream is you, crying and lonely baby."

Perhaps you could add about after dream?

Other than that, I see nothing that I could do with this piece to hel p you any, it seems fine as is, although it is a bit short.

I have a piece on the first page, "Ring for Your Finger." You can check it out if you'd like.
I'M IN THE FIGHT TO CURE CYSTIC FIBROSIS...MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!


Quote by JustRooster
I'm a straight man, but I'd put that surfcaster right in my mouth.



Quote by JD2k9
Well, life is like a penis.
Women make it hard.
Also, it's short but seems long when it gets hard.
#4
your piece would work a lot better with more line breaks where appropriate. having everything the way you've layed it out takes away some of the emotional impact.

moving on to the actual content; a lot of the lines are generic, use more metaphors and be more imaginative. it's not bad but could be extremely improved.