#1
Don't ask how I came up with this. I don't know. It just randomly came. So here goes..........

Verse
Sometimes when
Life happens
You drown
And sometimes
Leaving
Is the only way
You can pack your bags
And leave this broken village
Who is crying for you
But difference does that make? cause when you go

Chorus
Life won't be worth living
And when you go
Things won't ever be the same
Without you
And if you ever return
Expect to visit a grave

Bridge
Will you join me?
We can live together
Forever and ever and
Can I have
Before you leave
My last most final kiss?
And when I'll look in your eyes
I'll tell you what won't make a difference but
At leats you'll know
How I feel


To be continued...............if it is any good that is.

^^ So what you think? Any suggestions maybe?
Punctuation it the difference between:
"I help my Uncle Jack off a horse."
and
"i helped my uncle jack off a horse"


Quote by roadmax
..and how do i make the bridge erect. ..


Quote by Vampire 255
make it watch porn?

#2
this is really good - i wish i had written it! my lyrics are quite similar in content and style, so i understand the emotions behind it (i think).
Does anyone remember laughter?

Manuel, please try to understand before one of us DIES.

my gear:

Gibson LP Standard
Epiphone SG
Classical guitar
Peavey ValveKing 112
Marshall MG15
BOSS ME-50
#3
the flow is a little rough and the grammer is off in spots...like 'when i'll look in your eyes' should probably be 'when I look into your eyes'...also the line 'my last most final kiss' is a bit redundant...if its your last kiss, its already your final one...just some crits, hope i was helpful
'To be positive at all times is to ignore all that is important, sacred or valuable. To be negative at all times is to be threatened by ridiculousness and instant discredibility.'
-Kurt Cobain
#4
Quote by imtank
the flow is a little rough and the grammer is off in spots...like 'when i'll look in your eyes' should probably be 'when I look into your eyes'...also the line 'my last most final kiss' is a bit redundant...if its your last kiss, its already your final one...just some crits, hope i was helpful


Ok, sure. That was helpful. The flow make scence to me when i look at it, but yeah I wrote it - of cause it make scence to me. I just had a rythym going through my head when I wrote the lyrics and tryed to write it according the tune my head. I guess that maybe might not have been so clever. Next time......
Punctuation it the difference between:
"I help my Uncle Jack off a horse."
and
"i helped my uncle jack off a horse"


Quote by roadmax
..and how do i make the bridge erect. ..


Quote by Vampire 255
make it watch porn?

#5
Quote by Black Adder
Don't ask how I came up with this. I don't know. It just randomly came. So here goes..........

Verse
Sometimes when
Life happens
You drown
And sometimes
Leaving
Is the only way
You can pack your bags
And leave this broken village
Who is crying for you
But difference does that make? cause when you go
The first few lines "Sometimes...only way" seem kind of vague and generalized. Who is leaving? What caused them to leave? Maybe you will clear this up later in the song. I like the village idea, expand on it a little more. "Who is crying for you?" I'm assuming you are crying for her. "But difference does that make?" I think you meant, "But what difference does that make?".

Chorus
Life won't be worth living
And when you go
Things won't ever be the same
Without you
And if you ever return
Expect to visit a grave
You said when you go leading up to the chorus and then repeated it in the second line of the chorus, so you should probably take one of them out. Perhaps, "When you go, Life won't be worth living. Things won't ever be the same, Without you." Also, "life won't be worth living" and "things won't ever be the same" are cliche. Try to think of another way to say this. The last two lines are really good. You implied that life wouldn't be worth living by telling her to expect to visit a grave. See if you can come up with another creative line like that to replace the cliches.

Bridge
Will you join me?
We can live together
Forever and ever and
Can I have
Before you leave
My last most final kiss?
And when I'll look in your eyes
I'll tell you what won't make a difference but
At leats you'll know
How I feel
The first two lines make me think that you're the one who is leaving. "Will you join me?" Forever and ever...cliche. Think of an image or something that represents eternity to you. "My last most final kiss?" Last most final is a bit redundant. I like the way you connected to the fact that telling her this won't make a difference like in the first verse crying wouldn't make a difference.

To be continued...............if it is any good that is.

^^ So what you think? Any suggestions maybe?


I like the idea of her leaving the village and then if she returns she should expect to see a grave because her absence will kill you. Use more images like this to convey your thoughts instead of cliches.
#6
Whoa, thats really awesome. Also sounds quite deep. Try putting some instruments to it and see wat happenz.
Last edited by -(K@!$3R)- at Jun 30, 2008,
#7
My first read through, I won't lie, I was not a fan. But I looked back through it a couple more times and it has grown on me. I like the bridge quite a bit. Granted, it is riddled with the redundancies and cliches that imtank and acousticguitarr mentioned, but the way I 'got to know' the speaker in the lyrics made it work. I am not 100% sure what I mean by that, but the tone of that section makes it acceptable for me.