#1
The scene of our shared lust
L i n g e r s
In the air of my mind's eye

Your cologne naught but a cover-up
For
this

i
n
f
i
n
i
t
e

pit
of
.L.I.E.S.

How I allowed your dishonest tongue
To miynmvoaudteh
Lends itself to no reason.


Why?

Last edited by acousticguitarr at Jan 27, 2008,
#2
Okay - i think you may have some editing to do. I had to hightlight the words "cover up" just to see it. And I have no idea what this says: "immnovuatdhye". It also took me about a minute to figure out the word "niftie" cause you broke it up into two letter thingies.

I can give you credit for being creative and I really dig the words though. Keep writing.!!
Punctuation it the difference between:
"I help my Uncle Jack off a horse."
and
"i helped my uncle jack off a horse"


Quote by roadmax
..and how do i make the bridge erect. ..


Quote by Vampire 255
make it watch porn?

#3
Thanks a lot. Yeahhhh, it was supposed to be infinite, which I fixed. Do you get the "immnovuatdhye" part now?
#4
Quote by acousticguitarr
Thanks a lot. Yeahhhh, it was supposed to be infinite, which I fixed. Do you get the "immnovuatdhye" part now?


great!
Punctuation it the difference between:
"I help my Uncle Jack off a horse."
and
"i helped my uncle jack off a horse"


Quote by roadmax
..and how do i make the bridge erect. ..


Quote by Vampire 255
make it watch porn?

#5
Well you set a first impression thats for sure
"The scene of our shared lust
L i n g e r s
In the air of my mind's eye"
The word lingers fits perfectly after the first line and puts a lot of emphasis on it but reading further the last line doesn't fit well, it sounds too on its own. Words wise you've done a good job, and I like the fitting imagery.

The rest is good but it ended a little quickly. As for the word scrambling, its a nice gesture but I think you've ruined it by totally over doing it. I do like the miynmvoaudteh part, very creative but as I said I think you've gone too far on the rest of the piece. Although on second thought "infinite" is also alright I guess, it put a nice typographical edge to it.

I think I liked it a bit at the end after all. Good work and thanks for the crit
Ferocious mumbles