#1
this is a poem written by me and is C4C as always thank you...


We are Drowning.

We walk amongst each other
Without a sense of purpose known
Or a sense of reality, true
Where are we all going to?

Are we destined or are we doomed?
To eternal failure without occasional success.
Are we ever going to discover,
Where we are all going to?

We are lost.
We are failing in this game of life.
We are Drowning.
We are failing in this game of eternity.

Failure is the only way.
Success, ideal it may be,
But unacheivable.
We are Drowning.
Quote by witchhammer
you, sir, are terrible.


I'm finding new ways to make the same mistakes,
putting my dreams onto paper and then folding them into planes,
then I let them go because when in Rome,
I set fire to what I love the most.


#2

We are Drowning.

We walk amongst each other
Without a sense of purpose known
Or a sense of reality, true
Where are we all going to?
I don't really understand the third line, the wording is a little strange. The fourth line is a little bland to me, not very exciting.

Are we destined or are we doomed?
To eternal failure without occasional success.
Are we ever going to discover,
Where we are all going to?
Move the question mark in the first line to the end of the second line because you're asking if that is what you'll be doomed to. Pretty good stanza but I still don't really like the last line.

We are lost.
We are failing in this game of life.
We are Drowning.
We are failing in this game of eternity.
'Game of life' is pretty overused, so maybe try a different metaphor that's a little more original. 'Game of eternity' just sounds a little weird.

Failure is the only way.
Success, ideal it may be,
But unacheivable.
We are Drowning.
Really strong ending to me. But I think that you should add in 'though' after ideal in the second line, for flow, and replace 'But' in the third line with 'It's' to make sense.


I actually really liked this, the only thing was that the rhythm was really inconsistent. But then again, maybe that's how you wanted it. Hope this helped you. If you have any time, will you crit one of mine? Links below.
#3
Well, I'll tell you right now, that's better than I could've done.

I agree with the above post about 'Failing in this game of eternity.' It just sounds kinda odd in that context. I think it could be a good line if changed a little bit.

And what genre is this? 'Cuz I'm reading it, and I think it could either be a very good pounding metal/hard rock song, or a good acoustic song.

But, overall, great job, good piece!
TheInfringement
#4
We are Drowning.

We walk amongst each other
Without a sense of purpose known
Or a sense of reality, true
Where are we all going to? Good stuff here, but the third line seemed a little strange the way you have it broken up right before the end.

Are we destined or are we doomed?
To eternal failure without occasional success.
Are we ever going to discover,
Where we are all going to? I liked this stanza except for this last line. It just seems so blunt and direct, almost shockingly short when connected with the rest of the stanza.

We are lost.
We are failing in this game of life.
We are Drowning.
We are failing in this game of eternity. This seemed kinda odd here. Also, the effect of sorta matching it with the earlier line about "this game of life" was somewhat diminished by the differing lengths of the lines.

Failure is the only way.
Success, ideal it may be,
But unacheivable.
We are Drowning. Liked the ending

I thought this was great. I think it could possibly use some more vivid imagery, and it might benefit from a slightly different way of saying "We are drowning" to give it a fresher feel Good stuff. If you could crit "Out of Nowhere" in my sig, I'd appreciate it a lot. Peace
#5
alright i edited this if anyone wants to say anything about feel free to......
C4C still

We are Drowning.

We walk amongst each other
Without a sense of purpose known
Or a sense of truth and reality
Where are we all rushing to?

Are we destined or are we doomed?
To eternal failure without occasional success.
Are we ever going to discover,
Where we are all rushing to?

We are lost.
Failing in this game of life.
We are Drowning.
Failing in this chance of eternity.

Failure is the only way.
Success, Though ideal it may be,
Is unachievable.
We are Drowning.
Quote by witchhammer
you, sir, are terrible.


I'm finding new ways to make the same mistakes,
putting my dreams onto paper and then folding them into planes,
then I let them go because when in Rome,
I set fire to what I love the most.