#1
This isn't my favorite piece I've written, nor do I believe it is my best. But I've written it and I'd like to know what you think I can do to improve it. Crit for crit of course (although if your crit is only one sentence, don't expect much more than one sentence in return). EDIT: I have realized since posting this that the flow in a couple spots is about as smooth as broken glass. Please pardon this, I'm working to fix it

I took a turn for the worse and ended up here
A hopeless stretch of land
Where the moonlight falls to its death in the street
Bleeding silver on the sand

The winds and clouds have long since left this place
And the sun still tries to flee
The stars fight for breath in the stagnating gloom
The sky above starts to weep

You were dropped into this cage twenty years ago
Watched us come and then depart
You know the cracks in the walls like the back of your hand
All the filthy stains by heart

Peering through a yellowed lens
Has tempted you to small-town sin:
To want escape from history
And all the snares you know,
Because familiar fits the mold
Of all the lies you’re sold

Your feet can take you far from this hostility
That would keep you to itself
So it could take you, break you, and shape you into
A faded whisper of yourself.

Cut these lines and run towards where you want to be,
Everywhere but around here,
Put the miles behind you and never turn to see
The hounding ghosts of years

Not too far down the road
Seasons change and breezes blow,
The sun shines in other skies
That are found beyond these lines,
Scratched in earth by foolish men,
Only to be crossed again.
Last edited by theoneandonlyq at Jan 27, 2008,
#2

I took a turn for the worse and ended up here
A hopeless stretch of land
Where the moonlight falls to its death in the street
Bleeding silver on the sand
I like the rhythm of this and the rhyming doesn't sound forced at all. Really strong opening and nicely worded

The winds and clouds have long since left this place
And the sun still tries to flee
The stars fight for breath in the stagnating gloom
The sky above starts to weep
Flow isn't as smooth in this stanza as in the one before. There's a lot of alliteration, maybe a little too much? It's up to you.

You were dropped into this cage twenty years ago
Watched us come and then depart
You know the cracks in the walls like the back of your hand
All the stains and stings by heart
You know the 'stings' by heart? I don't really understand that. Pretty even flow in this stanza.

Peering through a yellowed lens
Has tempted you to small-town sin:
To want escape from history
And all the snares you know,
Because familiar fits the mold
Of all the lies you’re sold
It's hard to find the rhythm in this stanza. In the third line, do you mean 'To want TO escape from history'?

Your feet can take you far from this hostility
That would keep you to itself
So it could take you, break you, and shape you into
A faded whisper of yourself.
I don't quite like this stanza, doesn't really flow well and the wording is a little confusing. Maybe reword it so simple minds like my own can understand it.

Cut these lines and run towards where you want to be,
Everywhere but around here,
Put the miles behind you and never turn to see
The hounding ghosts of years
This is pretty good, but the last line seems to be a little short syllables-wise.

Not too far down the road
Seasons change and breezes blow,
The sun shines in other skies
That are found beyond these lines,
Scratched in earth by foolish men,
Only to be crossed again.
I like this ending, again, the rhyming doesn't sound forced and pretty smooth flow.


I think that you write very well and the only small problem in this would be the rhythm and the flow. If you change some words around, this could be a really great piece. Hope this crit helped, take a look at one of mine? Links below.
#3
I took a turn for the worse and ended up here
A hopeless stretch of land
Where the moonlight falls to its death in the street
Bleeding silver on the sand
this stanza paints a picture for me but not a vivid one. I took a turn for the worse sounds a little cliche too

The winds and clouds have long since left this place
And the sun still tries to flee
The stars fight for breath in the stagnating gloom
The sky above starts to weep
what i most like about this stanza is how you told how each part of nature felt

You were dropped into this cage twenty years ago
Watched us come and then depart
You know the cracks in the walls like the back of your hand
All the filthy stains by heart
i liked this stanza the best out of all of them. i think you should keep this the same

Peering through a yellowed lens
Has tempted you to small-town sin:
To want escape from history
And all the snares you know,
Because familiar fits the mold
Of all the lies you’re sold
all the lies you're sold sound cliche too. i would give an ex. but i cant think of something that rhymes with mold and I'm guessing it has to

Your feet can take you far from this hostility
That would keep you to itself
So it could take you, break you, and shape you into
A faded whisper of yourself.
repetition of "you" is over used. maybe so it could take a piece of you,break it, and shape it into. i dont know its all i can think of

Cut these lines and run towards where you want to be,
Everywhere but around here,
Put the miles behind you and never turn to see
The hounding ghosts of years
i like this i don't think you should change it

Not too far down the road
Seasons change and breezes blow,
The sun shines in other skies
That are found beyond these lines,
Scratched in earth by foolish men,
Only to be crossed again.
i like how you referenced the road and sun again. i changed my favorite stanza i think its this one

thanks for the crit you gave me
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