#1
Whatever. OTS. C4C.

Summer of Sweet Nothings.
We killed time.
On withered wicker,
Laying down common ground,
On which to shed our inhibitions.
yeahwekilledit.
We grew up in a suburban patch,
Of greener grass,
Talking about the greenest pastures,
Just past.
justpassedourfingertips.
We learned our lessons,
From a snowed out television,
With the dial stuck on channel six.
Black and white do mix.
theymakethewholeworldgrey.
We killed the English language,
With heavy-handed love letters,
From the deepest part,
Of our microkaleidoscopic hearts.
teenageloveisboring.
First love never dies,
But that doesn't mean I can't,
But that doesn't mean you can't,
butthatdoesntmeanwewont.
Last edited by NGD1313 at Jan 28, 2008,
#2
ok first up thats about the most emo thing ive ever read on this forum except my deleted threads lol so thumbs up i actually liked it the only problem was when you were talking about the grass but i loved the kaleidoscopic hearts made up for it so yeah awesome work keep it up bro.
#3
Interesting. Now I don't want to break apart your piece in stanza's, as that would destroy your literary technique. So I will critique this piece in different dimensions ha. But I must say, I really enjoyed this piece, it was unique and well written.


First dimension:

I can relate to the summers of nothing, oh can I. So that touched the certain spot of me heart. I like the direct approach, and the diction used here is great. I get this sense of innocence and ignorance, well a looking back on ones innocence and ignorence, given that the tense is in the past. Now I like how you ended this part, as you did with the other sections. "yeahwekilledit" Now I don't quite understand why you stuck all the words together, maybe one is still ignorant? I am not quite sure, but it leads me to believe that one is definitely looking back, and is still kinda of trapped in the nostalgia. The "Yeahwekilledit" enhances that, no spaces, kinda constricted. I like this to start it off.

Second dimension:

Again I can sense the same nostalgic feel, follows the first section perfectly. And I see a new technique, repetition. With, "grew" "grass" "greenest" "greener" "patch" Pastures" and "past" I like the play on words too, whether is was intended. "Pastures just past" is what I am referring to. You end this section in the same manner as the one prior to it, and I can see that same trapped in ones nostalgia, but the diction chosen here, kinda escapes the nostalgia itself. "justpassedourfingertips" as if those memories, the nostalgia is slipping away, well at least its what I am getting from this piece thus far. Just a vibe, and I can really connect to this piece thus far. Another good section, can feel it kinda building up.


Third dimension:

this section I feel might be the weakest part of the writing overall. It just seems to normal, to fit in this piece. And I find it quite hard to get anything out of this part. I mean I see the repetition again, the snow, white, black, and stuck on channel six. Which by stuck on channel six, I think at least, you mean its stuck on one of those channels that just appears as fuzz, and makes this white noise. So I see the repetition there, with colors again. I didn't understand the mixing thing, until you said "theymaketheworldgrey." Again you ended this section in the same manner as those prior, but it felt distant from the other endings. Its like one broke away from the nostalgia now, which now I see that ones nostalgia was full of color, but now, back to the real world, everythings just grey, just boring, just plain, and now I see that this section in fact isn't weak at all. It fits in just perfect, so my mistake there. But as I read I understood it more. So it all ties in, the normality of this section, just amplifies the greyness of ones modern world, the boringness if you will. Great, section. I can also connect with that section as well. And I can still feel it building up.

Fourth dimension:

The killing appears again. I like this part a lot. Its simple, but well write, perfect diction I think. It just emphasizes section three even more. And again you end this section in the manner of those prior. I can also see that one is completely breaking away from the nostalgia and might just have hope, as opposed to the world being gray, now I can sense some hope in the world. Its just the tone of the words, "teenageloveisboring" its like one isn't only talking about love, but the past itself, like, the past is what it was, move on kinda feel. "Microkaleidoscopic hearts" I really love that phrase, its great, and fits in perfect, it actually sums up teenage love in general. Great, phrase. Most memorable part of the piece by far. I like this section as well, as if its the climax. I can relate as well. Great again.

Fifth dimension:

I see now that is was false hope. The nostalgia has broken ones heart, ones faith, ones everything. Well the simple fact that one can't live in his nostalgic state of mind just kills him. Hence the first line, "first love never dies" not only does one mean love, but in a deeper thought, one means memories. The lines following just shows that one simply is stuck in a gray world. Pessimistic attitude and all. I completely can cope with this too, it truly sucks that those great moments in life I can't relive, and it kills me, thats what I think this section tries to say, and thats What I think this piece as whole conveys. Great ending.


I didn't mention flow or anything because it was on the spot, so no biggie, but it still had pretty good flow, or even flow if your a PJ fan haha, maybe a little forced. But nothing drastic, like I said very original write, touched me, I loved it. I coped with it. Great stuff.

If you wanna crit mine, when you have time or whatever.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=772105
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know
Last edited by societies_worm at Jan 28, 2008,
#4
woah thisis very good
it reminds me alot of Brand New..one of their acoustic pieces
a little emo but its subtle...nice job