#1
Some comments and crit would be useful n_n this is my first post on here, but I've looked through this forum before. I'm not sure if I'm going to make this entry a song or what, but it's all I have so far. Thankies d(n_n)b
[ ] = added things

And, Oh, It's Like Never Before

My head's in the clouds,
And I'm lighter than air,
And it's all I can do to keep from falling.

But Oh! Unbeknownst to me,
I already am.
Falling through the sky,
Falling faster and faster,
Into the unknown.

And Oh! As I am sprawled out on the ground,
Reality is on my lips,
On my hands,
It soaks me in its essence and I am drowning.
Into an abyss of unrequited, unremitting, unrelenting
Understanding.

[And as I open my eyes,
My vision blurs to red,
Then to Roy G. Biv.
Standing above me,
Dancing on the clouds,
Playing with those happy colors,
Sleeping in the blanket of stars.

As my mind floats away
A waterfall of colors emerges,
Drawing a shadow over those dull and dreary days.
Like a dark rain cloud
Washing away
Those delicate hues of gray
And black and white,
That were never meant to stay.]
Last edited by acloudyforecast at Jan 30, 2008,
#2
Good job, lots of meaning to it. Maybe a little bit wordy, but very good.
Also, in the second paragraph, I'm not sure if the second two 'falling's are completely necessary. But it's still really good, with a bit of work could be awesome!

Also, in the last paragraph, are you talking about like, your blood from hitting the ground? 'Cuz if you are, that's really creative. If you're not, oh well, it's still a good few lines.
TheInfringement
#5
I like the ending alot, mainly because I could understand it =D.

I like the words you've used, they certainly make it more interesting to listen to/read.

The only thing I think you could improve on is give a clearer picture of what is going on, I had a hard time trying to figure out what was happening over the 5 or so times I read it. But if that was your intention, then you did it quite well

Very nice piece
#8
You know, I really like this. The last lines really struck me, the rest, not so much. I see how it sets the ending up. I don't see anything I would change. The Roy G. Biv thing seems a little childish, a contrast to the vocabulary you used throughout the piece. I like allusions, but that is a mediocre and weak reference. That is my only complaint, really.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#9
I think its good, but its a little too poemy for me. Like i couldn't see a way to put a melody to this. But the last paragraph that you added is really good. I like the way it flows and it has a lot of meaning, but I think you should work on your wording for the rest of the song. Its a good start though, just needs some rewording to make it flow a little better. I really wish i could hear the melody.