#1
I finally wrote something I enjoyed writing in the first time in almost a month. Not sure what to think though. C4C as always.

Red streamers; check.
Red balloons; check.
Red eyes welling up after
a yellow chump left her standing
in the middle of the dance floor.

Quick sleight of hand to dump
the posse, two swigs and I'm
in to save the day.
Take her by the hand,
take her by the hips.
She applies a healthy dose
of mascara to my monkey suit.

"Don't worry dear, I'm quite the poet.
I know just the way to
bridge the crevice in your heart."

One-Two-Three-Four,
One-Two-Three-Four,
One-Two-Three-More.
We were fluid,
Our steps were sure.

"I'll mambo through your viscosity,
I'll create a tempo for true love.
We will dance through life's troubles
and let fate melt us away."

I released, she held tight.
"Who are you?"
I'm just another hopeless romantic,
on a binge toward becoming a silver knight.
Last edited by ZanasCross at Jan 29, 2008,
#2
sleight of hand. not slight of hand.

Other then that... My favorite part was the ending. It was the strongest part in the whole poem. I think the repetition of "we are fluid, we are smooth" would be better if you either left it at "we are fluid" or swapped the word smooth with something that would modify what you were...differently than fluid already does. You know what I mean? Like fluid and smooth, they go together, any old chump could figure that out. They convey pretty much the same idea in this context. I also find the way the narrator of the poem talks about himself rather humorous, that was another good part. And I almost can't believe that this girl would buy into that... but it almost sounds like she does? Good work, I'd say.
what comes up comes out
#3
I finally wrote something I enjoyed writing in the first time in almost a month. Not sure what to think though. C4C as always.

Red streamers; check.
Red balloons; check.
Red eyes welling up after
a yellow chump left her standing
in the middle of the dance floor.

great first three lines, i really like the set-up. fourth line, i do like your choice of yellow...because i'm assuming you are associating it with cowardice. just fyi though, it can also been seen as racially charged (think vietnam). as long as you make it clear (which you did), it works very well. I also liked how you played with color. Red and yellow play off of one another, many associations can be made.


Quick sleight of hand to dump
the posse, two swigs and I'm
in to save the day.
Take her by the hand,
take her by the hips.
She applies a healthy dose
of mascara to my monkey suit.

Great flow, this is awesome. My only critique is on the last line, because the flow stops abruptly with the monkey suit. i would use color here again, to play off the dark mascara. And i think the word "shirt" would be a nice end for that line, in case you're wondering, lol

"Don't worry dear, I'm quite the poet.
Thus, I'm always sad. I know just the way to
bridge crevices in your heart."

[i]I don't like the second statement. I'd prefer the stanza without it, in fact. It doesn't fit for me. I'd put a "the" in front of crevices.

One-Two-Three-Four,
One-Two-Three-Four,
One-Two-Three-More.
We were fluid.

i like the play with time and rhythm in the first three lines, but the last line is a let down, because it doesn't have the 4 strong syllables the other three do. I would change that last line.

"I'll mambo through your viscosity,
I'll create a tempo for true love.
We will dance through life's troubles
and let fate melt away."

I hate viscosity, to be blunt. I think you're saying she's resisting in some way, but I'm not sure that viscosity is the right word. The rest of the stanza is terrific.

I released, she held tight.
"Who are you?"
I'm just another hopeless romantic,
on a binge toward becoming a silver knight.

not a whole lot to say about the last stanza. i might come back later when i haven't read 1600 lines of beowulf.



This was very good overall, it had a story line that was easy to follow, and it was written well.

You can take a look at "Fruit Loops" if you'd like...

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=773477

thanks!

Gear:
Partscaster/Tele into a bunch of pedals, a Maz 18 head, and a Z Best cab.
#4
I had read this earlier and my first thought was that lately each piece I've read of yours has been a bit better than the last. This one is no exception. Though I would like to say that I liked the original better.


Red streamers; check.
Red balloons; check.
Red eyes welling up after
a yellow chump left her standing
in the middle of the dance floor.

Something that came to mind was that you usually only do the "check" thing when you're planning something, so that's what I expected off the bat, but then it turns out everything is already in progress. I like the way that it reads, but because of that the first two lines don't seem to connect to rest of the piece as well as I'd have liked them to. Also, there's something about the last three lines that reads awkwardly to me. I don't think there's any reason though. At first I thought maybe tenses, but those all seem to be in order, so it's probably just me. This is a good spot to open the poem though.

Quick sleight of hand to dump
the posse, two swigs and I'm
in to save the day.
Take her by the hand,
take her by the hips.
She applies a healthy dose
of black mascara to my white shirt.

Well I already said that I prefered this the way that it was. If you want to use shirt then I don't think the colours are necessary. Actually I think they make that line too long. Personally though I enjoyed the abonormality of monkey suit.

"Don't worry dear, I'm quite the poet.
I'm quite the manic depressant.
I know just the way to
bridge the crevices in your heart."

Same thing goes here. The second line doesn't flow with the rest of the stanza at all in my opinion. Though I agree about using "the" in the last line. Also pluralizing "crevice" seems to throw one too many syllables in that line. Something that I thought might be cool would be to use "crevice(s)" because it creates the uncertainty of her past, which would be appropriate since you don't know her yet. Just a thought.

One-Two-Three-Four,
One-Two-Three-Four,
One-Two-Three-More.
We were fluid.
Our steps were sure.

This works, though I'd use a comma after the fourth line instead, just to keep the flow going.

"I'll mambo through your viscosity,
I'll create a tempo for true love.
We will dance through life's troubles
and let fate melt away."

What's significant about fate melting away? To me "let fate melt us away" would make more sense. Everything else is good here.

I released, she held tight.
"Who are you?"
I'm just another hopeless romantic,
on a binge toward becoming a silver knight.

I would keep this stanza the way it is.

This piece was full of cliche thoughts/lines, but they were used well enough that they didn't hurt the piece. I've always believed that there are proper ways to use cliche, and this is an example of that. Nice work though, I enjoyed it.

Haha this crit took me almost 2 hours because I was doing a million other things in between. But anyways, the second link in my sig could definitely use some more helpful comments, if you wouldn't mind. Thanks.


Steve²
#5
Yeah, I much prefered the monkey suit line as well... so I think I'll change it back... I liked teh quirkyness. But I also realize that I have an unnatural bias so I changed it around. Thanks everyone so far. And it was supposed to be "melt us away" I just read right over it apparently.
Last edited by ZanasCross at Jan 28, 2008,
#6


edit later

editnow:

Red streamers; check.
Red balloons; check.
Red eyes welling up after
a yellow chump left her standing
in the middle of the dance floor.

the checks really bugged me here. it feels unfinished without a check somewhere after the red eyes. and i'm not a big fan of semi-colons. i think i would like this better if you just remove the checks and put in full stops after those two lines. but that's probably just me, since no one else has mentioned it yet.

Quick sleight of hand to dump
the posse, two swigs and I'm
in to save the day.
Take her by the hand,
take her by the hips.
She applies a healthy dose
of mascara to my monkey suit.

the first time i read this you had already changed monkey suit to white shirt, so i got really confused when i was reading the first comments... but i get it now. and i like monkey suit better too.

"Don't worry dear, I'm quite the poet.
I know just the way to
bridge the crevice(s) in your heart."

the crevice(s) kind of threw me off here. i just wasn't sure what you really meant by it. i get what you were going for, i understand all that, but it somehow didn't work for me. and i feel like the parentheses kind of altered the flow, and not in a good way.

One-Two-Three-Four,
One-Two-Three-Four,
One-Two-Three-More.
We were fluid,
Our steps were sure.

after i read the first line, i wanted to say, 'i declare a thumb war!" that's really all i got out of this stanza. i do like the last two lines, though.

"I'll mambo through your viscosity,
I'll create a tempo for true love.
We will dance through life's troubles
and let fate melt us away."

nothing really to say here. i think this is my favorite stanza.

I released, she held tight.
"Who are you?"
I'm just another hopeless romantic,
on a binge toward becoming a silver knight.

nice ending. this whole piece had kind of a cutesy feel to it. not in a bad way, though. it was a manly kind of cute... if that makes any sense at all. anyway, i liked it. sorry i didn't really have anything worth while to say about this. i thought i did last night, but i guess i was wrong. tricked yet again by mind altering substances...

now you're back up to 44,999. right? was that the number?? i don't remember. anyways, you don't owe me anything, especially for this weak little crit.

loveray
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
Last edited by hope's downfall at Jan 29, 2008,
#7
Red streamers; check.
Red balloons; check.
Red eyes welling up after
a yellow chump left her standing
in the middle of the dance floor.

The first two lines gives me the allusion of this being like a administrative conference or a parade of some sort.
I don't get what you mean by yellow chump. As much as i would love to say "get rid of the repetitive 'Red' in this stanza", i think it works.
But i think you should work on the flow a bit because it has none. And i can honstly say that 'Red streamers; check' wasn't an eye-catching first stanza.


Quick sleight of hand to dump
the posse, two swigs and I'm
in to save the day.
Take her by the hand,
take her by the hips.
She applies a healthy dose
of mascara to my monkey suit.

Nothing much to add here. But i didn't really like the last line of enjambment, maybe it should've been avoided. I can't 100% say that it would work better, maybe it's really just the way i read it. You can ignore that comment.

"Don't worry dear, I'm quite the poet.
I know just the way to
bridge the crevice(s) in your heart."

I don't quite get the phrase 'bridge the crevice..." but i can still say this was a great
three-line stanza. Kudos.


One-Two-Three-Four,
One-Two-Three-Four,
One-Two-Three-More.
We were fluid,
Our steps were sure.

This whole stanza should be disposed of. It didn't appeal to me whatsoever and could quite easily make the reader stop reading after glancing at this. It seemed juvenile and irratating. And i don't quite get how this fits with the rest of the piece.

"I'll mambo through your viscosity,
I'll create a tempo for true love.
We will dance through life's troubles
and let fate melt us away."

Good stanza. It had some cliches like 'we will dance through life's troubles' but i still liked it. Hmm... nothing more to add.

I released, she held tight.
"Who are you?"
I'm just another hopeless romantic,
on a binge towards becoming a silver knight.

'Binge' doesn't seem to be grammatically correct. Unless you mean something entirely different. But ok this was an intriguing ending to a story, that all though i don't get completely, a good story. BTW who said 'who are you?' you/character or the girl?

Overall i liked it.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Jan 30, 2008,
#8
Thanks for the crit. I didn't really read any of the crits before this so I hope that I'm not repeating anything thats already been said.


Red streamers; check.
Red balloons; check.
Red eyes welling up after
a yellow chump left her standing
in the middle of the dance floor.
I like how you used red to describe the 'party necessities' lets call them, and then used it to describe the eyes. Opens with a nice image of a girl crying in the middle of a high school dance.

Quick sleight of hand to dump
the posse, two swigs and I'm
in to save the day.
Take her by the hand,
take her by the hips.
She applies a healthy dose
of mascara to my monkey suit.
Pretty good stanza, I like the alliteration in the last line.

"Don't worry dear, I'm quite the poet.
I know just the way to
bridge the crevice(s) in your heart."
Nice wording. I'm guessing that you put the s in parentheses because you're not sure if you want it there or not. I would say leave it out, flows better.

One-Two-Three-Four,
One-Two-Three-Four,
One-Two-Three-More.
We were fluid,
Our steps were sure.
I like this stanza but I think that the last line doesn't flow as well as the lines before.

"I'll mambo through your viscosity,
I'll create a tempo for true love.
We will dance through life's troubles
and let fate melt us away."
I don't really understand the first line, 'mambo through your viscosity' but the second line is excellent. Actually, the rest of the stanza is really nice.

I released, she held tight.
"Who are you?"
I'm just another hopeless romantic,
on a binge toward becoming a silver knight.
I don't quite like the ending. Flow seems really inconsistent but maybe it's because I'm not hearing it with music. Also the word 'binge' doesn't really appeal to me. It's just kind of a weird word.


This was well-written and I really liked the idea behind it, you being the knight in shining armor there to save the damsel in distress. Apologies for my cliche-edness. Good job and I hope this helps you. Also, thanks again for your critique, I think it's a little wordy, too, but I was just kinda trying it out, I guess.
#9
Quote by silly girl
now you're back up to 44,999. right? was that the number?? i don't remember. anyways, you don't owe me anything, especially for this weak little crit.


yup that is the number. And its not like I wouldn't crit your work anyways >_>

Quote by Bleed_Away
BTW who said 'who are you?' you/character or the girl?


she did. And what is your name again mate?

Also thanks l_f_m. I appreciate your comments.
#10
There's not too much else to say, so I'll take a few cues from what others have pointed out. "Monkey suit" is definitely better than "white shirt", and I agree with the decision to take out the second statement in the third stanza - both previous versions bothered me. I dig the fourth stanza, actually, but I think a single "One-Two-Three-Four" might be sufficient. I don't know, I'm sure you've looked at that, but that may help. I also don't particularly care for "I'll create a tempo for true love" - I think it's something to do with the way it follows, or fails to follow, the previous line. My last complaint is "binge". As Bleed Away mentioned, it seems an odd choice, though I don't think I can be much help coming up with another.
Overall, I think it's great, it flowed well for me, and the story is well-executed.
I know this isn't much of a critique, but I would appreciate it greatly if you took a look at this one: http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=770564
#11
This was adorable. I especially like the second stanza. It makes me think, like, "Aww."

And the "red balloons / red streamers / red eyes" thing was pretty clever.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#13
I thought this was going to be about that puzzle computer game with the little dinosaur from bubble bobble, But I thought it was really good.
#14
Aright, theres not much left to say on this, but I owe you like 5 crits so Im gonna try and say something


Quote by ZanasCross
I finally wrote something I enjoyed writing in the first time in almost a month. Not sure what to think though. C4C as always.

Red streamers; check.
Red balloons; check.
Red eyes welling up after
a yellow chump left her standing
in the middle of the dance floor.
(Loving it, entertaining and eyecatching. Nothing wrong with it at all, nothing at all. P.S I have a feeling this crit isnt gonna be very helpful, cause I really liked this alot.)

Quick sleight of hand to dump
the posse, two swigs and I'm
in to save the day.
Take her by the hand,
take her by the hips.
She applies a healthy dose
of mascara to my monkey suit.
(Not my favorite part. But it doesnt really make me cringe either, I just dont think it flows as well as the rest of the poem. I dislike the last two lines, that may be because they break up the flow of the "take her by the hips....hands" thing you had going on. The last two lines just dont fit after that, I understand you need to lines there, but i would recommend scratching those two and trying something else.)

"Don't worry dear, I'm quite the poet.
I know just the way to
bridge the crevice in your heart."
(Fuck. Outstanding, almost like a mini-punchline in the middle of the piece, amazing.)

One-Two-Three-Four,
One-Two-Three-Four,
One-Two-Three-More.
We were fluid,
Our steps were sure.
(Nice. Simple. Not much to say about it.)

"I'll mambo through your viscosity,
I'll create a tempo for true love.
We will dance through life's troubles
and let fate melt us away."
(Im done writing, Im just fucking done, this says what Ive been trying to say for the last 6 months.)

I released, she held tight.
"Who are you?"
I'm just another hopeless romantic,
on a binge toward becoming a silver knight.
(Nailed it, Fantastic ending. Best thing I've read from you in a while, if this thing doesnt get writing of the week, blood will be spilled.)
#15
Quote by ZanasCross

Red streamers; check.
Red balloons; check.
Red eyes welling up after
a yellow chump left her standing
in the middle of the dance floor.
I like this. Neat comparison.

Quick sleight of hand to dump
the posse, two swigs and I'm
in to save the day.
Take her by the hand,
take her by the hips.
She applies a healthy dose
of mascara to my monkey suit.
I really liked this by the way you managed to describe what happened with perfect detail but not just "saying not showing". "my monkey suit" is where you lost me. Except for that, this would be my favorite part.

"Don't worry dear, I'm quite the poet.
I know just the way to
bridge the crevice in your heart."
This is pretty neat, a little cheesy though. =p

One-Two-Three-Four,
One-Two-Three-Four,
One-Two-Three-More.
We were fluid,
Our steps were sure.
I think this would sound better if it were in the present tense.

"I'll mambo through your viscosity,
I'll create a tempo for true love.
We will dance through life's troubles
and let fate melt us away."
Beautiful.

I released, she held tight.
"Who are you?"
I'm just another hopeless romantic,
on a binge toward becoming a silver knight.
Nice ending, and a great line.


There you go. Crit mine if you like.
Last edited by Leonheart at Feb 1, 2008,
#16
yo ino the rule it crit for crit but this peice has been critiqued tot he core. I loved it loved the way you presented it with the first stanza. I also liked the monkey suit idea, it makes it seem the guy is just a nobody in the crowd who steps in to play hero. though it would sound better to use it in a way that makes it flow with the rest of the stanza.
fromt he poems i have read of yours you seem to be great at what you do.
also it would be an honor if you could possibly citigue my work im kinda new and need all the advice i can get.