#1
It hit me faster than
fat-soluble opiates:
bridging the blood/brain barrier.

It was in sordid sanctity
that it flew through my veins
like a flock of migrant birds,
on their way to Florida.

Its so common that it makes me smile
"You're more likely to die
on the way to the airport
than on an actual plane"

but cars don't kill people
the same way guns kill people
as the unmanned semi tipped
ponderously from its rightful place

sticks and stones would break my bones
but that sounds comfortable when compared
to the gnashing steel, the eighteen wheels
that leapt tremendously from the overpass
and into my lap.
what comes up comes out
#2
Eh, this was a neat story, in a round about way. I just didn't really enjoy it. As always your diction and writing style are superb... but I just didn't connect with this piece very much. I think it was mostly the tone the piece had. The whole thing gave off a disconnected feel to me... like it wasn't engaging me. I guess, it was like listening to a verbose newscaster. That's the feel I got until the last line.

I'll break it down a little I guess:

It hit me faster than
fat-soluble opiates:
bridging the blood/brain barrier.

I hated this metaphor. Such an obscure reference... not easily accessable (spelling sucks, sorry).

It was in sordid sanctity
that it flew through my veins
like a flock of migrant birds,
on their way to Florida.

I liked the alliteration, but again... the metaphor still isn't working for me. You are using all these comparisons that say what you mean... but say it in such an ass backwards way that it puts me off.

Its so common that it makes me smile
"You're more likely to die
on the way to the airport
than on an actual plane"

This was better... but really breaks from the tone of the piece, while this is why I enjoy it... it still makes the piece seem less "together."

but cars don't kill people
the same way guns kill people
as the unmanned semi tipped
ponderously from its rightful place

Would have preferred to see "don't" again in the second line... would have said something completely different, I know... but I would have liked how it sounded better. Unmanned sounded sloppy... and raises the question, why is there an unmanned semi on an overpass?

sticks and stones would break my bones
but that sounds comfortable when compared
to the gnashing steel, the eighteen wheels
that leapt tremendously from the overpass
and into my lap.

The internal rhyme was nice... and I liked the "using a cliche to my advantage" feel of the first line. The rest just seemed too wordy. You could condense and this might have more impact. But I just wasn't feeling this at all.


Sorry mate, didn't like this one much.

Thanks for the comments on mine.

if you need more explanation on any of my comments let me know.

-zC
#3
yeah I wrote the first part of this in my biopsych class... and then the next part after I got back from a 10 mile run, in which I almost got totally owned by a truck on an overpass. How its relevant, I don't know. I think my writing has entered a low point though
what comes up comes out
#4
Quote by haunted_engines
It hit me faster than
fat-soluble opiates:
bridging the blood/brain barrier.

Good opening stanza, doesn't say too much, but sets the stage for the piece well. The alliteration in the third line was great. I think you'd be better suited to put a comma after the second line instead of a colon.

It was in sordid sanctity
that it flew through my veins
like a flock of migrant birds,
on their way to Florida.

Another solid stanza, although it feels like it's just really drawing out the introduction to the piece, of course one could argue that it's just building it up. The fourth line jams up the flow.

Its so common that it makes me smile
"You're more likely to die
on the way to the airport
than on an actual plane"

First off, you of course mean "it's" instead of "its" I'm sure. Hate to be so pedantic about grammar, but still. This stanza was definitely the weakest of the piece, the first line isn't anything too eye-grabbing and the statistic conveyed in the next three lines, is kind of cliche I guess is the word I'm looking for. I understand that this may be an important part of the story but I think it'd be far better if you found a different way of saying it.

but cars don't kill people
the same way guns kill people
as the unmanned semi tipped
ponderously from its rightful place

This wasn't bad, nothing too interesting, but it builds up the story.

sticks and stones would break my bones
but that sounds comfortable when compared
to the gnashing steel, the eighteen wheels
that leapt tremendously from the overpass
and into my lap.

I'm sensing a recurring theme of referencing cliches ("sticks and stones", "guns kill people"), which can be excellent if done correctly, but I find this a little stale because you don't approach them in a particularly new way. However, this stanza was a solid finish, the internal rhyme in the third line was especially good.



This piece wasn't bad, but I guess I couldn't really get on board with it. The diction was good and the flow was almost flawless, but content-wise I didn't catch anything too interesting, unfortunately, but hey, that's just my opinion. I'd appreciate it if you'd take a look at the piece in my sig if you can get around to it.