#1
Tell me what ya think of my lyrics, comments would be greatly appreciated =]


(Verse)
There's only one sun up in the sky,
That dances through the clouds,
There's only one person who makes me,
Start dancing through the crowds,

The clock seems to race when she's around,
But not as fast as my heart will pound,

(Chorus)
As I'm just looking at her face,
I can feel my life start living (life start living),
To spend a moment in her grace,
Is to live a life worth living (life worth living),

(Verse)
Just like a heads up penny,
In a face down world,
Our love's all I need to get through,
The twisted and the twirled,

The clock seems to race when she's around,
But not as fast as my heart will pound,

(Chours)

(Bridge)
I feel like I'm living,
I think that I'm living,
And that's when I saw you,
And I know that I'm living,
The perfect life worth living,

(Chorus)


Alrighty that's it
Comment and be completely honest
Thanks
Quote by chamill4u
Also, start inconspicuously humping the nearest immobile object while darting your eyes back and forth suspiciously. Works best if the nearest immobile object is also the nearest person.



Bend (newest)

Seven To Forever

We've All Seen
#2
It's really good, except I think you overused 'living' a little bit in the bridge. I mean, if you already have a melody for it and that sounds good, then go for it, but it just seems a bit too repetitive. But I really like it, especially the comparison between between you and the sun in the first verse, I thought that was really creative.
TheInfringement
#3
Yeah, I agree with TheInfringement about 'living' being a little overused. In a few spots I think the rhyming sounds a little forced like in the second verse, 'world' and 'twirled'. I really love the first two lines in that stanza though, clever. Pretty simple, wording, rhyming, and rhyme scheme. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, I guess I'll leave that up to you to decide. Overall, nice work.
#5
thanks for the advice guys =]
this was more of a rough draft, seeings how i wrote it in 9 minutes =p
so thanks for the tips and ill look into makin it better
Quote by chamill4u
Also, start inconspicuously humping the nearest immobile object while darting your eyes back and forth suspiciously. Works best if the nearest immobile object is also the nearest person.



Bend (newest)

Seven To Forever

We've All Seen
#6
I'd use a different rhyme in line 2 of the chorus. I do think that "living" is overused, but it might work if you alter your vocal timbre a little bit for the different parts, like chorus, bridge. Really try to do away with a few of those, though.

I really liked your rhymes, they're rather clever. It had a good flow, too. I absolutely ate up that line about the heads up penny in a face down world. I would want to see this recorded and listen to it.

What kind of style did you have in mind? I definitely get an acoustic vibe off of this.

Very good, I like it loads. if you've the time, check the link at the bottom of my sig, please.
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#7
The crits above are fair. Beyond that, I really like it! I got that image in my mind as soon as I started reading it. Good job!