#1
Nothing groundbreaking. but i left a bowl of cereal sit too long today.

A majestic mountain of wheaten rings;
Rubies, sapphires, and emeralds
rising through the milkly heavens
of the bowl.

Like all great things, though,
time slowly takes it's toll.
The hues weep from the rings,
swirling wisps turning once-pure milk
to a subdued, opaque pastel,
and deteriorate a once grand mount
to a mottled, mushy mess.


crit for an honest crit, as always. if any of you feel like saying anything, lol.

Gear:
Partscaster/Tele into a bunch of pedals, a Maz 18 head, and a Z Best cab.
Last edited by roamingbard13 at Jan 28, 2008,
#2
I can't believe I'm about to make comments on a piece describing the effects of leaving a bowl of cereal sit for too long.... :wink:

Well, I'm not gonna break it down... there is nothing really wrong here. You've done exactly what you set out to do... you described a 6 hour old bowl of fruit loops, in all the vivid mushy glory you could muster. It worked. I could see exactly what you meant, what you were talking about. You language and diction were fantastic.

This reminded me a lot of Kyrl's (confusius) pieces. He describes a mundane thing in such excruciating detail that it no longer becomes interesting to me. By the time I get done I'm like, "wow... nothing happened... at all." Does this mean the piece or writing is bad? Nah. I just prefer to have something happen.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you could have drawn some sort of connection and made this a metaphor... you could have added one line like, "much like our love" in here and made it have some sort of meaning... instead I leave feeling like i wasted some time of my life, and I can never have it back.

Please don't take this bad... I really did enjoy the imagery, its just not my style of writing.

I owe you one... this was a **** crit. Let me know when you post something new. Thanks for getting to mine. BTW, the viscosity line in mine was actually the line that inspired that whole piece... I usually have one "cool line" in my head and write a piece around it... so it's gonna stay... but I do see what you mean.

-zC
#3
I see what you're saying, and there are times when I do write like that...but this comes out of me taking something that could be said in three words and playing with language a little bit. someday i'll learn to connect the two.

thanks for taking the time!

Gear:
Partscaster/Tele into a bunch of pedals, a Maz 18 head, and a Z Best cab.