#1
Alright, the moment you've been waiting for. It's done. Changed the title, added stanzas, reworded a few lines, tried to listen to what most of you who critted the unfinished version said. Hope you like it and, like always, crits and comments would be appreciated. C4C

Dashed Hopes, Devastation

This malady inside of me is dragging me toward insanity
and your derisory disdain for me does not help to ease its grip.
While I’ve tried not to be shackled by these cuffs of my own making
you’ve been desperately searching for the key to set aflame.

The scattered beams of tranquil moonlight score the earth incessantly.
Your harsh remarks and ruthless rejections score my soul relentlessly.

Yet, so resolved, I persevere,
praying that you’ll give in to me.
And with all the valor I can convene,
I contend for what was mine from the start.

I’ll scrawl across your wall in thin, inconsistent writing
the words I said to deafened ears, indifferent mind, impassive air.
Like a fountain they’ll flow out through the spout that is the pen
and like a presentation they’ll display the throes of torment I have felt.

The scattered beams of tranquil moonlight score the earth incessantly.
Your harsh remarks and ruthless rejections score my soul relentlessly.

Yet, so resolved, I persevere,
praying that you’ll give in to me.
And with all the valor I can convene,
I contend for what was mine from the start.

So if you’ll illustrate your explicit tastes
than at last I’ll be able understand
why contempt is chiseled on your gentle features;
Your emotions are worn where I wear my heart.

The scattered beams of tranquil moonlight score the earth incessantly.
Your harsh remarks and ruthless rejections score my soul relentlessly.

Yet, so resolved, I persevere,
praying that you’ll give in to me.
Knowing the outcome all the while:
dashed hopes, devastation.
#2
words set a mood, you should consider carefully the words you choose. Don't just think up the most impressive and lengthy word you can, write naturally, using your vocabulary to convey an emotion to the listener/reader rather than to impress. The mood I get from this is dry and barren, mechanical, it doesn't seem natural. It's a hodgepodge of words which don't blend. I don't want to say don't use big words, but rather think about the connotation of words before you use them. Think about the atmosphere you wish to setup in the piece. The words you use make the piece seem pretentious, and throw off the flow. If this is a metal song, I could see it working, but I can't say that I like how you wrote it. This is just my opinion, taken from my experience as a writer, I will never claim to be even good, so disregard this if you wish, but I think it's be smart to remember this.

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Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#3
Quote by live_for_music


Just a pre-warning, this is going to be an honest crit... and may be harsh at times, I don't mean to offend... only help.

Dashed Hopes, Devastation

This malady inside of me is dragging me toward insanity
and your derisory disdain for me does not help to ease its grip.
While I’ve tried not to be shackled by these cuffs of my own making
you’ve been desperately searching for the key to set aflame.

Eh, this just seems over the top and wordy. I mean, sure its impressive... but you could have said this in a lot clearer way. Writing verbosely for the sake of writing verbosely rarely sounds natural and... good. This wasn't bad... and I'm sure some would look at this at call it a masterpiece, but to me this seemed over done... like you were trying to hard. The internal rhyme in the first line was nice... but the rest stumbled over itself as far as flow and left me wanting. honestly, the picture you've painted here isn't terribly colorful for as many big words as you've used.

The scattered beams of tranquil moonlight score the earth incessantly.
Your harsh remarks and ruthless rejections score my soul relentlessly.

Same as above... but worse. This just seems unnecessary. I'm just not enjoying this as a reader because you're trying much too hard. If it were me I'd just say:

Scattered moonbeams score the earth incessantly.
Your harsh remarks score my soul relentlessly.

It says the same thing... but takes out some of the unneeded descriptors which in my mind makes it more poetic. You are writing in such a deeply descriptive style that your message is getting lost. This is written in a poetic structure but you are writing in the style of a novel... which causes death of flow and bewilderment to the reader.


Yet, so resolved, I persevere,
praying that you’ll give in to me.
And with all the valor I can convene,
I contend for what was mine from the start.

This was better. Not quite so wordy... and I actually liked this stanza. The word convene seemed a little out of place. I feel like you are writing in old English... its kind of annoying, TBH. Your last line is heading back to wordy-ness again.

I’ll scrawl across your wall in thin, inconsistent writing
the words I said to deafened ears, indifferent mind, impassive air.
Like a fountain they’ll flow out through the spout that is the pen
and like a presentation they’ll display the throes of torment I have felt.

The flow goes even more to **** with the first line. drop the "thin," and it might be better. "Impassive air" was unnecessary... we got it with the first two... and it would technically be "through impassive air" which would be better, but still unnecessary. This is just meh... sorry man, I'm not gonna comment on the rest of it... its the same complaint over and over.

The scattered beams of tranquil moonlight score the earth incessantly.
Your harsh remarks and ruthless rejections score my soul relentlessly.

Yet, so resolved, I persevere,
praying that you’ll give in to me.
And with all the valor I can convene,
I contend for what was mine from the start.

So if you’ll illustrate your explicit tastes
than at last I’ll be able understand
why contempt is chiseled on your gentle features;
Your emotions are worn where I wear my heart.

The scattered beams of tranquil moonlight score the earth incessantly.
Your harsh remarks and ruthless rejections score my soul relentlessly.

Yet, so resolved, I persevere,
praying that you’ll give in to me.
Knowing the outcome all the while:
dashed hopes, devastation.


You know my complaint by now... this seems like something my english professor would dig up as some "amazing poem" from the late 1800's. It's over wordy, over done, and generally so lost in itself that it has almost no meaning. You are so caught up as a writer in writing all these unneeded details that the piece just begins to eat itself and make less and less sense until there is nothing left in the readers mind but the bitter taste of unnecessarily big words.

I'm sorry man, I just couldn't get into this. This may be your style, and if so... you wrote with a lot of big words and it sounded sort of epic... and it was very detailed. If that was the goal... you did well, but you sacrificed meaning, flow, and enjoyability for this.

Well, c4c on Bust a Move if you could. Sorry I wasn't much more help... you don't need grammar help or anything... its the style that bothered me. They rest was fine.

Sorry again,

-zC
#4
I happened to like it as a poem, but I have no idea at all how you'd sing this. You've definitely got to check your meter, as it feels like mathcore at times (disclaimer: No disrespect to those who like mathcore). I agree with Zansas Cross: you should take out a few words. I do like the chorus, it's pretty clever.

Some great lines:


I’ll scrawl across your wall in thin, inconsistent writing
the words I said to deafened ears, indifferent mind, impassive air.
This malady inside of me is dragging me toward insanity


Some problem lines:
you’ve been desperately searching for the key to set aflame.
Mixed metaphors in here. maybe that's intentional, I don't know, but I don't think this line has anything to add. It seems like a forced transition.
And with all the valor I can convene,
I contend for what was mine from the start.

You let me down here. Was really expecting a rhyme here, but you messed up the meter.

Just a few suggestions. I don't really have solutions for you, but I just thought you should think about those lines.
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#5
This malady inside of me is dragging me toward insanity
and your derisory disdain for me does not help to ease its grip.
While I’ve tried not to be shackled by these cuffs of my own making
you’ve been desperately searching for the key to set aflame.

^ That was a really good verse, I especially liked your colorful use of words to describe a simple situation. I'm not too sure how you would put this to music, it seems more poem-like, but maybe that's just me.

The scattered beams of tranquil moonlight score the earth incessantly.
Your harsh remarks and ruthless rejections score my soul relentlessly.

^ The second line makes is good, and makes sense, but I don't understand how tranquil moonlight scores the earth?

Yet, so resolved, I persevere,
praying that you’ll give in to me.
And with all the valor I can convene,
I contend for what was mine from the start.

^ Nothing to say about this section, good language and phrasing from what I can gather from reading

I’ll scrawl across your wall in thin, inconsistent writing
the words I said to deafened ears, indifferent mind, impassive air.
Like a fountain they’ll flow out through the spout that is the pen
and like a presentation they’ll display the throes of torment I have felt.

^This is seeming to be more sort of a poem to me. Personally I'd like more rhyme in it, to give more of a song-like feeling. Unless it's metal, then.. well you know, whatever goes. Maybe a strong melodic motif would help it feel more song-like with non-rhyming lines.

The scattered beams of tranquil moonlight score the earth incessantly.
Your harsh remarks and ruthless rejections score my soul relentlessly.

Yet, so resolved, I persevere,
praying that you’ll give in to me.
And with all the valor I can convene,
I contend for what was mine from the start.

So if you’ll illustrate your explicit tastes
than at last I’ll be able understand
why contempt is chiseled on your gentle features;
Your emotions are worn where I wear my heart.

^ I think that part gives a very clear image of the kind of woman you seem to be trying to portray, good work!

The scattered beams of tranquil moonlight score the earth incessantly.
Your harsh remarks and ruthless rejections score my soul relentlessly.

Yet, so resolved, I persevere,
praying that you’ll give in to me.
Knowing the outcome all the while:
dashed hopes, devastation.

^ I like the ending, it feels pretty strong to me. Overall I think this is a really good piece.

Things I would Improve:

Making it seem more songlike with more rhyming phrases

Possibly using less complicated words, if the average listener doesn't know what's happening it's going to be harder to enjoy the song!