#1
eh.


I used to be a letter, maybe drawn in the sand
or carved in a tree or burned on the breast,
reflecting the sun in brilliant gold, a lighthouse
for the sinners and secrets, for the forgotten.
But at night I'd turn the deepest black, fade back
into the shadows of the trees, a spectre, a mystery,
because, it's just so hard, to be human.

"Please, never look at me like that again,
I don't think... that I could take it."
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
Last edited by Alk 3 addict at Jan 28, 2008,
#4
I wish that I could write like this, I've got an awful devotion to standard meter and ryhme. It's very loose and flows nicely. I do love the ending, and I think you've conveyed a great message here. Great.
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#5
The first line, "I used to be a letter, maybe drawn in the sand," is really good, I like it a lot :] And I also kind of like how the whole thing doesn't have any end rhyme, just internal like "black" and "back" in the fifth line. I don't think you need the commas in the seventh line, though, and I have a question. Is the last part, "Please, never look at me like that again,
I don't think... that I could take it." is it supposed to be part of the song/poem (I'm not really sure what to call it)? Other than that, it sound really good :] Could you take a look at one of mine? Preferably And, Oh! It's Like Never Before. Thanks :]
Last edited by acloudyforecast at Feb 5, 2008,
#6
I think i'd like this better if you developed each image a little more and didn't try to just cram so many into a short piece, it feels crowded and takes focus away from one image before i think it's been given chance to be fully appreciated.

There is some nice description in there though. I too really liked the first sentence.
#7
Stop writing about things we read in school.

Oh yes, I remember that great expectations one.
=]
#9
Oh I didn't catch that. It's nice in that aspect but I wasn't too into the book. Maybe it was the circumstances that I read it under.

The last 2 lines make this for me.
Anatomy Anatomy
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Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me